No friends. No direction. No f@#$ing life.

[Espressojunkie]

Hi,

So I don't want this to be a pity party, but honestly, right now, I'm feeling rather pathetic.

I'm a mid 30's SAHM who for the past 15/20 years has basically hidden away. Not taken any opportunities, because quite frankly, everything terrifies me. I don't believe in myself. I feel like it's too late and I've thrown it all away.

When I say I don't have friends, I mean I don't have anyone I could pop round to see for a coffee or glass of wine. I have a few friends I chat to over text and maybe meet up with once a year or so, but that's it. I sometimes feel like I've forgotten how to talk to people.

My dsis lives close by, but she'll be moving hours away soon and then I will have no one.

I am lucky that financially, I don't have to work. I really do understand that, but it hit me like a brick last night. I am utterly miserable and so painfully lonely and lost. I cried buckets and felt dark.

I feel like my life is just passing me by and I don't do anything about it! I just get through day to day, looking after my dd who might only be living here for another few years (mid teens) and then I'll be even more broken. I can't even think about when that day comes.

I was desperate to have more dc but the fact is, we can't and I don't actually think I've properly accepted and processed that tbh. Dp wants us just to be thankful for what we have and just look forward to a different future, but although I try, I can't.

I would love to work. Have a real, meaningful and fulfilling career, but I really am terrified. My anxiety is through the roof and I've had lots of CBT therapy. I feel like I've got all the tools I need to help, but then over time I just seem to end up back to square 1...square 0 actually.

I just don't know what to do or where to even start. My confidence is on the floor. I've been out the loop for so long.

I really need to do something. I don't want to waste any more time feeling like this.

I can't.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Would a part time job help? It might give you an idea of where your strengths and weaknesses in the workplace are and get you used to chatting to people. If it doesn't work out you've not lost much.

[RudeDudeToo]

I was about to say the same. Sorry you're feeling low OP it's rubbish and I hope it improves soon.

Perhaps have a look what work you could do locally and part time. It doesn't need to be a fulfilling career. Although if you did want that long term, what interests you and what do you think you'd like to do.

This past year has made a lot of people socially afraid/awkward (can't think of the right word) and I think a lot of people will struggle to get back "out there". Consequently you may just find friends in the most unusual ways - a hobby or part time job might open these avenues if you feel ready to seek them.

[M0nstermunch]

Is there anything that interests you for voluntary work? That's a nice way to meet people and get out on your own terms.

[Tuesdaysintheazores]

I think a lot of people are feeling this way right now. First of all, forgive yourself and be kind to yourself. Then just take it step by step - volunteer for something or sign up for a yoga class or some kind of hobby, once things are open again

[Espressojunkie]

Thanks for the replies.

I keep saying I will do some volunteering and put feelers out etc, but then when it comes to the crunch, my anxiety and self doubt takes over and I never move forward.

I would love to help others. People tell me I'd be good at counselling for example, but then I feel like how can I help others if I can't/won't help myself? I think my problem is I'm always looking for potential problems! I'm naturally quite a negative, glass is half empty kind of person, so it's very difficult to think differently. I've tried so hard, but it never seems to stick.

Anyway, I don't want to make any excuses anymore. I want to actually live!

[Magnificentmug12]

I feel every word! Every word!!

I’m the same, lockdown 3 sent me down a dark, sad hole, I have no life other than my kids, just none. I’m socially awkward, I don’t do anything, I have no interests or hobbies- my life is no different in or out of lockdown. I’m a sad person. I embarrass myself. I’m not good at talking or interacting with strangers and I know I come across as thick, stupid, awkward, out of step so I just stayed away from all people.

But lockdown has changed me, it just couldn’t get worse for me and I’ve chosen to accept it’s a small price to pay to have a life. If I start to get flustered talking to people I just explain I suffer from hearing loss and that’s the reason I can’t quite get what they are saying and just apologise ;but the truth is I get so flustered my brain panics and doesn’t take in what people are saying to me which is why I come across as stupid.

Join something op, a group, a club, anything- don’t worry about coming across as anything negative, arm yourself with a few excuses and just go for it. Feeling awkward is a small price to pay and you can always join another club/group.

When you can’t take no more you will just be able to do it, as there’s literally nothing you can loose.

Things are going well for me now and I sometimes cry with how happy I’m finally feeling and like I have an actual life like a normal person does.

Wishing you the best!

[Espressojunkie]

@Magnificentmug12, that's so good to read I'm so happy for you! Must be such an amazing feeling.

[bunglebee]

I don't think you are lucky not to have had to work. I think you'd be in a better place all round - financially, socially, confidence wise and with your anxiety - if you had had to work.

Regardless, mid 30s is nothing. Most of your life still lies ahead of you. Even if you were mid 60s there'd still be so much you can do.

Ultimately, getting back into work will probably be very good for you, but one step at a time. Have you considered studying virtually? That might be a way to get back into the world again with a structure but with less pressure than a job. Or finding a low key volunteering opportunity. If necessary you can do this with a counsellor to hold your hand and help you go through with each step. Do you take medication? The only real answer for this kind of issue is graded exposure, with support - identifying scary things in a manageable order and starting small. If you don't take medication, maybe you should book in with your GP and consider it.

Also, you say DP not DH. Do you have a pension? Do you have assets in your name? Have you considered getting married? What's your security if your partner should leave, die, or become ill?

[GlutenFreeGingerCake]

I think volunteering would be good for you too. Not so much pressure as a paid job but gets you out meeting people.

[SomewhereInAnotherLife]

I think I understand. I was a SAHM for 5 years. In many ways I loved it, but I definitely lost myself a bit. I lost confidence in myself and my abilities. This wasn’t helped by my abusive ex.

I finally left him and had 2 small children to support. So I had to get a job. Honestly, even though I have a degree and qualifications, it was the most terrifying thing. I felt sick filling in those applications, going to those interviews and for my first couple of weeks. I was simultaneously so scared I wouldn’t be able to get a job because I was useless and then convinced that if by some miracle I did, I would balls it up immediately....because I was useless.

But, it really was the making of me. I love my work. I love that I’m good at it and that this is recognised. I love that my DCs see me going out to work and achieving things. I love earning my own money.

In my case, getting a job was the thing that terrified me most. It was also the thing that I needed to do to get out of my rut.

[CormoranStrike]

If financially you don’t have to work, work on building that self esteem.

Volunteer as an elderly befriender, or to walk someone’s dog. Take on a few hours in a charity shop, or volunteer as a reading supervisor at an infant school.

Or pick up a hobby that is with other people but doesn’t enforce talking - park run maybe?

Think of every step as an investment in you, rather than a massive goal.

[PerhapsInchyraBlue]

I was in your situation 10 years ago. I was even suicidal at one point. I started an OU degree, and after I got some confidence from that, I started volunteering. The volunteering led to a job with the charity, and I love what I am doing. I'm still socially awkward, I still panic but I get out of the house to work and my life is no longer just about DH and the DC.

[BetterKateThanNever]

Try the friend section of Bumble. I met my best friend on there and we were both struggling to make friends due to anxiety at the time. It's completely in your control and if at any moment you feel too anxious to talk to someone you simply unmatch them. Even if you only chat to a few people to see if you get along it gives you some practice at chit chat, which could help if you volunteer

[SnuggyBuggy]

Would going into things with really low expectations help? When it comes to jobs it's extremely common to get a job, realise its a dud and leave and/or find something else. Maybe you need to just take a scattergun approach for now if it helps you worry less.

Do you have anyone encouraging in your life? Do you have anyone who discourages you, maybe even unintentionally? I'm thinking of perhaps someone who tells you "oh you'd never be able to do that" or something. If so you need to learn to tune those people out.

[chicazurafa]

Hey, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I also feel lonely in the way you describe. I.e. have friends I text with and arrange to meet up with occasionally but no one I can just pop round and see or I would ever call late at night if I was upset. It makes me sad too and I'm not sure how to develop relationships beyond a polite distance. I live in London and I'm not in touch with any friends from childhood in the north of England. I have a good relationship with my DH and DM who in the last few years has moved to be closer to us and our DCs but I would like to have more close friendships. FWIW I work. Have some lovely colleagues who were think of us as friends but we all work remotely and even if we didn't I think being professional would mean I don't get too close to them. So I'm not sure work is the answer. If anything I've blamed the fact I'm so busy between working and parenting for me not having time to foster better friendships. But it can be good for getting out of the house so worth a go.

[Tiredmaturestudent]

Sorry to hear that your feeling this way i know from experience its no fun. I spent many years struggling with my mental health, similar to you I struggled with friendship and social anxiety. I have 3 children and have worked on and off since leaving school I always struggled to hold a job down and had lots of time off sick with mental health. Around 7 years ago l stopped work completely to care for my children and was supported by my then DP.
In a way I needed this to to uncover the root of my anxiety and depression took medication and had therapy, turns out alot of it was due to childhood bullying resulting in very poor self esteem. Gradually I developed a bit of confidence and wondered about the future I knew I wanted something didnt know what? One of the other school mums was doing an access course at college and talked me into going to an open day, I started small and retook my gcse maths which was one morning per week and slowly built on it doing my access course and completed a 3year degree this was a gradual increase of days away from the home then placement blocks in a hospital. I am going to qualify as a radiographer in the next few weeks and have a full time job. I am nervous about this and the commitment I am a single parent now so will be a challenge.

Keep planning, make small steps and build on it. Its never as bad as you anticipate. Feel the fear and do it anyway! I can only say this because ive done it!

Good Luck!

[Espressojunkie]

Thanks so much for all the kind words. Reading them had genuinely really helped.

@bunglebee, I know what you're saying. I do sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn't have that safety net of not needing to work. We are married, yes.

@BetterKateThanNever, I've never heard of that. Had a quick Google and my first thought was, 'but what if nobody swipes right (of left?) Not going to do much for my already dwindling self confidence!' How does it work exactly?

@SnuggyBuggy, I suppose I do have a bit of both, although my dp is the most encouraging, thankfully. They'd support me if I decided to do a law degree, become a cleaner or continue to stay at home, although they probably don't realise that the reality of the latter makes me quite so unhappy.

@Tiredmaturestudent 👏 Well done you!

[Espressojunkie]

*has genuinely

[sunsetsand]

Where are you roughly? Someone here might know of volunteering opportunities

[SnuggyBuggy]

My situation is different but I get the safety net thing. As a young adult I was working but didn't earn enough to move out of my parents house and didn't have any friends in the area to flatshare with. Then I moved in with OH and we shared bills so I've never actually experienced paying my own way if that makes sense. I'm reasonably confident in my ability to find a job but not having this experience does leave me feeling a bit crap.

[Dogmum40]

I’m the same except I don’t have kids! I run a business from home with my husband and whilst I have a few friends they all have full time jobs and families so can’t make time to see me! 😭

Are we allowed to put our county/location on here and we support each other/meet up if we’re near to another user?

[Daphnesmate05]

Another one here who could have written your post.

I am a bit older than you but have had dc older including a young dc (pre-schooler). I'm sorry you desperately wanted more children and this didn't happen, it can be its own kind of grief.

I have really problematic anxiety, most like compounded by the peri-menopause. I am actually awaiting a psychiatric assessment which will hopefully happen over the next couple of months and I wouldn't be surprised if PTSD flags up too.

My first aim is to do some volunteering. Start small. There could be the opportunity of peer support work which is what I would really like to do although I'm really nervous to admit it - I'm waiting for someone to say 'you can't do that.' I want a hand hold though with all of this, I'm going to push for therapy and I want someone working right along side me. I know for a fact a lot of my issues have been created in childhood for which I've not received enough support throughout the years and I've only come to realise how awful this has been. On top of this I was badly bullied and I have big trust issues with people which is something I need to unravel.

Like you I am 'fortunate' not to have to work. But I don't know whether this is actually a fortunate thing. I'm not work shy but I am sick of entering dead end jobs (thanks to my crap childhood I am an underachiever despite attaining a good education). Plus, having young dc I want something relatively flexible and jobs like this seem like gold dust. I have thoughts of starting a very small business (I have an idea) just to see what might become of it and share a work space to try and circumvent being isolated. I'm undecided whether this is the way forward or whether I would be just as isolated (and hiding from 'real' work) but might at least have a bit of income - fortunate in respect that I don't need to do it for the money. What I have learnt from work is that I have not always been able to make friendships there. Naturally you work alongside people but I entered one workplace and I was completely and utterly bored (actually x 2). Another workplace where I was super busy so time flew but this was the other extreme and there was never any time to socialise plus I was heavily monitored in terms of work output. I never thought of myself as just a cog in my last job but in the end I was...my expertise and knowledge was never properly valued by the employer. Having said all of this, it does provide structure/routine.

I am going to try a scatter gun approach: volunteering, hobbies (join at least 2 different groups) and potentially dabble with small business. Also, take up some form of exercise. And of course start therapy.

Friends wise, I have one or two lovely friends but really only have a weekly catch up if I'm lucky and more often than not via messenger. But I really get the feeling lonely feeling bit, I wish I knew people I could just call round and have a cuppa with or a glass of wine. I have next to no extended family and I wonder if I would feel differently if I did but it is not my reality. I feel very disconnected from life and loathe to admit that being a sahm is not enough for me. I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for or what would make me feel happy.

[Daphnesmate05]

Sorry for the epic post - your post obviously resonated with me a lot!

[Ladywinesalot]

OP I’m sorry your feeling so low, I’ve been in your position before and it’s truly depressing.

I understand that living the life you want feels like an awfully big undertake right now and if you want to come on mn and vent to make yourself feel better do just that.

If you want things to get better then through your therapy you know that you have to make a start. Take one thing that you want to achieve and make a plan on how to get it, and then put that plan to action.
Once you accomplish that plan, then make a plan for the next.

Yes anxiety is crippling and make life hell (I go through it almost daily) but do you want watch life pass you by or are you going to fix it?

It’s always your choice.

[Espressojunkie]

@Daphnesmate05, sorry you can relate so much, but sounds like you've got a very good plan of action lined up. Good luck.

@Ladywinesalot, yes, you're absolutely right. It's only me who can change this and no, I don't want to lose another day to this. I'm desperate to live my life and actually be happy. I have happy moments, but honestly, I don't think I've had that feeling of contentment for 20-25 years.