No friends. No direction. No f@#$ing life.

[Espressojunkie]

Hi,

So I don't want this to be a pity party, but honestly, right now, I'm feeling rather pathetic.

I'm a mid 30's SAHM who for the past 15/20 years has basically hidden away. Not taken any opportunities, because quite frankly, everything terrifies me. I don't believe in myself. I feel like it's too late and I've thrown it all away.

When I say I don't have friends, I mean I don't have anyone I could pop round to see for a coffee or glass of wine. I have a few friends I chat to over text and maybe meet up with once a year or so, but that's it. I sometimes feel like I've forgotten how to talk to people.

My dsis lives close by, but she'll be moving hours away soon and then I will have no one.

I am lucky that financially, I don't have to work. I really do understand that, but it hit me like a brick last night. I am utterly miserable and so painfully lonely and lost. I cried buckets and felt dark.

I feel like my life is just passing me by and I don't do anything about it! I just get through day to day, looking after my dd who might only be living here for another few years (mid teens) and then I'll be even more broken. I can't even think about when that day comes.

I was desperate to have more dc but the fact is, we can't and I don't actually think I've properly accepted and processed that tbh. Dp wants us just to be thankful for what we have and just look forward to a different future, but although I try, I can't.

I would love to work. Have a real, meaningful and fulfilling career, but I really am terrified. My anxiety is through the roof and I've had lots of CBT therapy. I feel like I've got all the tools I need to help, but then over time I just seem to end up back to square 1...square 0 actually.

I just don't know what to do or where to even start. My confidence is on the floor. I've been out the loop for so long.

I really need to do something. I don't want to waste any more time feeling like this.

I can't.

[Bringonthebloodydrama]

OP
I struggled after a few years of being at home. Hated it.

Started volunteering with a wonderful educational charity, going into a school as a tutor 3 years ago. Loved it. Was the highlight of my week. Every Friday morning.

People started asking if I could tutor their child and I started taking on students (home educated mainly to work round my own kids).

Am about to qualify as a teacher after completing a school centred training programme. It's been tough. But rewarding, challenging and wonderful too. I am excited to get up every morning and every day is an adventure. I wish I'd done this years ago.

[chicazurafa]

Hey EspressoJunkie, how are you doing? Hope you're feeling stronger.

[SausageCrush]

Hi Espresso,
Sorry you're struggling.
I just wanted to say that before lockdown I signed up for an adult education course at my local college one afternoon a week.
I'm not good at making new friends and am shy, but found this manageable because we were all there for a subject that interested us, so there wasn't really the time or expectation of having to be sociable. I found this took the pressure off. I also gave myself a stern talking to on day one and just concentrated on smiling and exchanging pleasantries at first. I actually came away from that first week feeling quite proud of myself!
I think starting small and working your way up is the key here. I also have my only dc18 leaving this September, so wanted to try and get on with something to take my mind off that.
Good luck

[VVKills27]

I have battled with social anxiety at various times in my life - certainly there were a few years where I barely saw a soul. Oddly enough in recent years people tell me I appear extremely socially confident. My point it, I relate & I know things can and will change for you - you have identified the issues and want to change - that’s more than half the work already done! I would honestly start small. Coming out of lockdown is a perfect time to make use of the online world that we’ve had to reply on. Rebuild your confidence by taking up an online course if you can afford to. Just a weekly or fortnightly lesson in something that interests you would give you a sense of purpose, structure & a goal. I’ve just started guitar online lessons and the grand old age of 41! It just feel exciting to do something I’ve always fancied. As your confidence improves make sure you smile at everyone who crosses your path - it really does draw people to you. Do you see regular people on the school run you can have a quick chat with & build on this? Or old friends you can reconnect with, perhaps via social media? Just take baby steps, they’ll build up and you’ll be in a different place in a few months time. Life isn’t about scary drastic changes, it’s about small regular changes - good luck and enjoy your new adventure in life whatever it may be!

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Friends are hard and I say this as an extrovert ! I don't have much self doubt but the opposite problem that people still want to take me down .. it's such a shame people have to be so nasty ..
try and put yourself out there for volunteering! !

[Daphnesmate05]

Oldwivestale

Thanks for posting. I suspect there might be other underlying diagnosis in my case and maybe OP shouldn't dismiss the possibility either. I don't show all the criteria for BDP but might have done around 20 and show elements of it still (largely thanks to the trauma I experienced). First point of call is a consultation with a psychiatrist. This should have happened a long time ago - instead I have had CBT thrust into my face (which tbh did help) but this in itself turned out to be complicated and I would have benefited from further assessment. I think it might come as a relief to find there are 'labels' for some of this (but I have a feeling I'll tick a lot but not all boxes for different things). Don't let stuff go undiagnosed in your dd's case as it probably has with me. Ditto with my own daughter...she will also be having an assessment soon - I think high functioning ADHD might apply but going to have it checked out/ruled in or out soon.

[OldWivesTale]

For all of you with severe social anxiety, have you ever thought that you might be autistic? Im just reading about autism in women now and so many girls and women go undiagnosed as it manifests so differently in females. My dd has always been highly anxious and the penny is finally starting to drop that she may be autistic. It's not neurotypical to be so anxious all the time without any reason. Many women get diagnosed with all sorts eg social anxiety, bipolar disorder etc before finally getting an ASD diagnosis.

[Daphnesmate05]

Espresso
Don't be too hard on yourself. It is really tricky managing anxiety and stepping out of your comfort zone. Whilst, I have a couple of plans, I am pretty sure I'm going to need a really good therapist to get me socialising etc. A lot of my issues extend back to childhood trauma. Now edging toward late 40's and can only really now see things for what they are and really furious that I didn't address this stuff earlier (or rather I tried but was let down by probably not having the right specialists). It is only the fact that we are now in a position to have private health insurance that I might be able to access the help I require (which is a sorry state of affairs in itself).

[Daphnesmate05]

my life is no different in or out of lockdown.

This was my wake up call. I realised how little my life has been unaffected by lockdown. In fact, (the sheer horribleness of the situation and loss of life apart), it has been a leveller for me as I also don't have any extended family and anxiety has really been awful in terms of trying something different etc.

[Espressojunkie]

@Daphnesmate05, sorry you can relate so much, but sounds like you've got a very good plan of action lined up. Good luck.

@Ladywinesalot, yes, you're absolutely right. It's only me who can change this and no, I don't want to lose another day to this. I'm desperate to live my life and actually be happy. I have happy moments, but honestly, I don't think I've had that feeling of contentment for 20-25 years.

[Ladywinesalot]

OP I’m sorry your feeling so low, I’ve been in your position before and it’s truly depressing.

I understand that living the life you want feels like an awfully big undertake right now and if you want to come on mn and vent to make yourself feel better do just that.

If you want things to get better then through your therapy you know that you have to make a start. Take one thing that you want to achieve and make a plan on how to get it, and then put that plan to action.
Once you accomplish that plan, then make a plan for the next.

Yes anxiety is crippling and make life hell (I go through it almost daily) but do you want watch life pass you by or are you going to fix it?

It’s always your choice.

[Daphnesmate05]

Sorry for the epic post - your post obviously resonated with me a lot!

[Daphnesmate05]

Another one here who could have written your post.

I am a bit older than you but have had dc older including a young dc (pre-schooler). I'm sorry you desperately wanted more children and this didn't happen, it can be its own kind of grief.

I have really problematic anxiety, most like compounded by the peri-menopause. I am actually awaiting a psychiatric assessment which will hopefully happen over the next couple of months and I wouldn't be surprised if PTSD flags up too.

My first aim is to do some volunteering. Start small. There could be the opportunity of peer support work which is what I would really like to do although I'm really nervous to admit it - I'm waiting for someone to say 'you can't do that.' I want a hand hold though with all of this, I'm going to push for therapy and I want someone working right along side me. I know for a fact a lot of my issues have been created in childhood for which I've not received enough support throughout the years and I've only come to realise how awful this has been. On top of this I was badly bullied and I have big trust issues with people which is something I need to unravel.

Like you I am 'fortunate' not to have to work. But I don't know whether this is actually a fortunate thing. I'm not work shy but I am sick of entering dead end jobs (thanks to my crap childhood I am an underachiever despite attaining a good education). Plus, having young dc I want something relatively flexible and jobs like this seem like gold dust. I have thoughts of starting a very small business (I have an idea) just to see what might become of it and share a work space to try and circumvent being isolated. I'm undecided whether this is the way forward or whether I would be just as isolated (and hiding from 'real' work) but might at least have a bit of income - fortunate in respect that I don't need to do it for the money. What I have learnt from work is that I have not always been able to make friendships there. Naturally you work alongside people but I entered one workplace and I was completely and utterly bored (actually x 2). Another workplace where I was super busy so time flew but this was the other extreme and there was never any time to socialise plus I was heavily monitored in terms of work output. I never thought of myself as just a cog in my last job but in the end I was...my expertise and knowledge was never properly valued by the employer. Having said all of this, it does provide structure/routine.

I am going to try a scatter gun approach: volunteering, hobbies (join at least 2 different groups) and potentially dabble with small business. Also, take up some form of exercise. And of course start therapy.

Friends wise, I have one or two lovely friends but really only have a weekly catch up if I'm lucky and more often than not via messenger. But I really get the feeling lonely feeling bit, I wish I knew people I could just call round and have a cuppa with or a glass of wine. I have next to no extended family and I wonder if I would feel differently if I did but it is not my reality. I feel very disconnected from life and loathe to admit that being a sahm is not enough for me. I'm not entirely sure what it is that I'm looking for or what would make me feel happy.

[Dogmum40]

I’m the same except I don’t have kids! I run a business from home with my husband and whilst I have a few friends they all have full time jobs and families so can’t make time to see me! 😭

Are we allowed to put our county/location on here and we support each other/meet up if we’re near to another user?

[SnuggyBuggy]

My situation is different but I get the safety net thing. As a young adult I was working but didn't earn enough to move out of my parents house and didn't have any friends in the area to flatshare with. Then I moved in with OH and we shared bills so I've never actually experienced paying my own way if that makes sense. I'm reasonably confident in my ability to find a job but not having this experience does leave me feeling a bit crap.

[sunsetsand]

Where are you roughly? Someone here might know of volunteering opportunities

[Espressojunkie]

*has genuinely

[Espressojunkie]

Thanks so much for all the kind words. Reading them had genuinely really helped.

@bunglebee, I know what you're saying. I do sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn't have that safety net of not needing to work. We are married, yes.

@BetterKateThanNever, I've never heard of that. Had a quick Google and my first thought was, 'but what if nobody swipes right (of left?) Not going to do much for my already dwindling self confidence!' How does it work exactly?

@SnuggyBuggy, I suppose I do have a bit of both, although my dp is the most encouraging, thankfully. They'd support me if I decided to do a law degree, become a cleaner or continue to stay at home, although they probably don't realise that the reality of the latter makes me quite so unhappy.

@Tiredmaturestudent 👏 Well done you!

[Tiredmaturestudent]

Sorry to hear that your feeling this way i know from experience its no fun. I spent many years struggling with my mental health, similar to you I struggled with friendship and social anxiety. I have 3 children and have worked on and off since leaving school I always struggled to hold a job down and had lots of time off sick with mental health. Around 7 years ago l stopped work completely to care for my children and was supported by my then DP.
In a way I needed this to to uncover the root of my anxiety and depression took medication and had therapy, turns out alot of it was due to childhood bullying resulting in very poor self esteem. Gradually I developed a bit of confidence and wondered about the future I knew I wanted something didnt know what? One of the other school mums was doing an access course at college and talked me into going to an open day, I started small and retook my gcse maths which was one morning per week and slowly built on it doing my access course and completed a 3year degree this was a gradual increase of days away from the home then placement blocks in a hospital. I am going to qualify as a radiographer in the next few weeks and have a full time job. I am nervous about this and the commitment I am a single parent now so will be a challenge.

Keep planning, make small steps and build on it. Its never as bad as you anticipate. Feel the fear and do it anyway! I can only say this because ive done it!

Good Luck!

[chicazurafa]

Hey, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I also feel lonely in the way you describe. I.e. have friends I text with and arrange to meet up with occasionally but no one I can just pop round and see or I would ever call late at night if I was upset. It makes me sad too and I'm not sure how to develop relationships beyond a polite distance. I live in London and I'm not in touch with any friends from childhood in the north of England. I have a good relationship with my DH and DM who in the last few years has moved to be closer to us and our DCs but I would like to have more close friendships. FWIW I work. Have some lovely colleagues who were think of us as friends but we all work remotely and even if we didn't I think being professional would mean I don't get too close to them. So I'm not sure work is the answer. If anything I've blamed the fact I'm so busy between working and parenting for me not having time to foster better friendships. But it can be good for getting out of the house so worth a go.

[SnuggyBuggy]

Would going into things with really low expectations help? When it comes to jobs it's extremely common to get a job, realise its a dud and leave and/or find something else. Maybe you need to just take a scattergun approach for now if it helps you worry less.

Do you have anyone encouraging in your life? Do you have anyone who discourages you, maybe even unintentionally? I'm thinking of perhaps someone who tells you "oh you'd never be able to do that" or something. If so you need to learn to tune those people out.

[BetterKateThanNever]

Try the friend section of Bumble. I met my best friend on there and we were both struggling to make friends due to anxiety at the time. It's completely in your control and if at any moment you feel too anxious to talk to someone you simply unmatch them. Even if you only chat to a few people to see if you get along it gives you some practice at chit chat, which could help if you volunteer

[PerhapsInchyraBlue]

I was in your situation 10 years ago. I was even suicidal at one point. I started an OU degree, and after I got some confidence from that, I started volunteering. The volunteering led to a job with the charity, and I love what I am doing. I'm still socially awkward, I still panic but I get out of the house to work and my life is no longer just about DH and the DC.

[CormoranStrike]

If financially you don’t have to work, work on building that self esteem.

Volunteer as an elderly befriender, or to walk someone’s dog. Take on a few hours in a charity shop, or volunteer as a reading supervisor at an infant school.

Or pick up a hobby that is with other people but doesn’t enforce talking - park run maybe?

Think of every step as an investment in you, rather than a massive goal.

[SomewhereInAnotherLife]

I think I understand. I was a SAHM for 5 years. In many ways I loved it, but I definitely lost myself a bit. I lost confidence in myself and my abilities. This wasn’t helped by my abusive ex.

I finally left him and had 2 small children to support. So I had to get a job. Honestly, even though I have a degree and qualifications, it was the most terrifying thing. I felt sick filling in those applications, going to those interviews and for my first couple of weeks. I was simultaneously so scared I wouldn’t be able to get a job because I was useless and then convinced that if by some miracle I did, I would balls it up immediately....because I was useless.

But, it really was the making of me. I love my work. I love that I’m good at it and that this is recognised. I love that my DCs see me going out to work and achieving things. I love earning my own money.

In my case, getting a job was the thing that terrified me most. It was also the thing that I needed to do to get out of my rut.