No friends. No direction. No f@#$ing life.

[Espressojunkie]

Hi,

So I don't want this to be a pity party, but honestly, right now, I'm feeling rather pathetic.

I'm a mid 30's SAHM who for the past 15/20 years has basically hidden away. Not taken any opportunities, because quite frankly, everything terrifies me. I don't believe in myself. I feel like it's too late and I've thrown it all away.

When I say I don't have friends, I mean I don't have anyone I could pop round to see for a coffee or glass of wine. I have a few friends I chat to over text and maybe meet up with once a year or so, but that's it. I sometimes feel like I've forgotten how to talk to people.

My dsis lives close by, but she'll be moving hours away soon and then I will have no one.

I am lucky that financially, I don't have to work. I really do understand that, but it hit me like a brick last night. I am utterly miserable and so painfully lonely and lost. I cried buckets and felt dark.

I feel like my life is just passing me by and I don't do anything about it! I just get through day to day, looking after my dd who might only be living here for another few years (mid teens) and then I'll be even more broken. I can't even think about when that day comes.

I was desperate to have more dc but the fact is, we can't and I don't actually think I've properly accepted and processed that tbh. Dp wants us just to be thankful for what we have and just look forward to a different future, but although I try, I can't.

I would love to work. Have a real, meaningful and fulfilling career, but I really am terrified. My anxiety is through the roof and I've had lots of CBT therapy. I feel like I've got all the tools I need to help, but then over time I just seem to end up back to square 1...square 0 actually.

I just don't know what to do or where to even start. My confidence is on the floor. I've been out the loop for so long.

I really need to do something. I don't want to waste any more time feeling like this.

I can't.

[Daphnesmate05]

my life is no different in or out of lockdown.

This was my wake up call. I realised how little my life has been unaffected by lockdown. In fact, (the sheer horribleness of the situation and loss of life apart), it has been a leveller for me as I also don't have any extended family and anxiety has really been awful in terms of trying something different etc.

[Daphnesmate05]

Espresso
Don't be too hard on yourself. It is really tricky managing anxiety and stepping out of your comfort zone. Whilst, I have a couple of plans, I am pretty sure I'm going to need a really good therapist to get me socialising etc. A lot of my issues extend back to childhood trauma. Now edging toward late 40's and can only really now see things for what they are and really furious that I didn't address this stuff earlier (or rather I tried but was let down by probably not having the right specialists). It is only the fact that we are now in a position to have private health insurance that I might be able to access the help I require (which is a sorry state of affairs in itself).

[OldWivesTale]

For all of you with severe social anxiety, have you ever thought that you might be autistic? Im just reading about autism in women now and so many girls and women go undiagnosed as it manifests so differently in females. My dd has always been highly anxious and the penny is finally starting to drop that she may be autistic. It's not neurotypical to be so anxious all the time without any reason. Many women get diagnosed with all sorts eg social anxiety, bipolar disorder etc before finally getting an ASD diagnosis.

[Daphnesmate05]

Oldwivestale

Thanks for posting. I suspect there might be other underlying diagnosis in my case and maybe OP shouldn't dismiss the possibility either. I don't show all the criteria for BDP but might have done around 20 and show elements of it still (largely thanks to the trauma I experienced). First point of call is a consultation with a psychiatrist. This should have happened a long time ago - instead I have had CBT thrust into my face (which tbh did help) but this in itself turned out to be complicated and I would have benefited from further assessment. I think it might come as a relief to find there are 'labels' for some of this (but I have a feeling I'll tick a lot but not all boxes for different things). Don't let stuff go undiagnosed in your dd's case as it probably has with me. Ditto with my own daughter...she will also be having an assessment soon - I think high functioning ADHD might apply but going to have it checked out/ruled in or out soon.

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

Friends are hard and I say this as an extrovert ! I don't have much self doubt but the opposite problem that people still want to take me down .. it's such a shame people have to be so nasty ..
try and put yourself out there for volunteering! !

[VVKills27]

I have battled with social anxiety at various times in my life - certainly there were a few years where I barely saw a soul. Oddly enough in recent years people tell me I appear extremely socially confident. My point it, I relate & I know things can and will change for you - you have identified the issues and want to change - that’s more than half the work already done! I would honestly start small. Coming out of lockdown is a perfect time to make use of the online world that we’ve had to reply on. Rebuild your confidence by taking up an online course if you can afford to. Just a weekly or fortnightly lesson in something that interests you would give you a sense of purpose, structure & a goal. I’ve just started guitar online lessons and the grand old age of 41! It just feel exciting to do something I’ve always fancied. As your confidence improves make sure you smile at everyone who crosses your path - it really does draw people to you. Do you see regular people on the school run you can have a quick chat with & build on this? Or old friends you can reconnect with, perhaps via social media? Just take baby steps, they’ll build up and you’ll be in a different place in a few months time. Life isn’t about scary drastic changes, it’s about small regular changes - good luck and enjoy your new adventure in life whatever it may be!

[SausageCrush]

Hi Espresso,
Sorry you're struggling.
I just wanted to say that before lockdown I signed up for an adult education course at my local college one afternoon a week.
I'm not good at making new friends and am shy, but found this manageable because we were all there for a subject that interested us, so there wasn't really the time or expectation of having to be sociable. I found this took the pressure off. I also gave myself a stern talking to on day one and just concentrated on smiling and exchanging pleasantries at first. I actually came away from that first week feeling quite proud of myself!
I think starting small and working your way up is the key here. I also have my only dc18 leaving this September, so wanted to try and get on with something to take my mind off that.
Good luck

[chicazurafa]

Hey EspressoJunkie, how are you doing? Hope you're feeling stronger.

[Bringonthebloodydrama]

OP
I struggled after a few years of being at home. Hated it.

Started volunteering with a wonderful educational charity, going into a school as a tutor 3 years ago. Loved it. Was the highlight of my week. Every Friday morning.

People started asking if I could tutor their child and I started taking on students (home educated mainly to work round my own kids).

Am about to qualify as a teacher after completing a school centred training programme. It's been tough. But rewarding, challenging and wonderful too. I am excited to get up every morning and every day is an adventure. I wish I'd done this years ago.