Do you think sympathy cards are a good or bad thing?

[AprilThe8th]

Neighbour has died this morning.He was a lovely friendly man and I'd like to send a card to his wife later in the week.Some people disagree with sending them as it can cause more upset but I just want to let her know we are thinking of her.What do you think?

Good. I think they are so important. I received a single sympathy card when my dad died, and it meant so much. Please send one.

I very much appreciated the cards I got when my mum died. Perhaps not in the short term (a few were unopened for the first six months, many were opened but not properly read) but after a while it was nice to read them, people said such lovely things about her.

Yes, please do. We really appreciated the ones we received.

I received cards when my mum died a month ago, they really helped actually. A lovely way to show you are thinking about her but without imposing your time on her if she isn't ready for it.

They're not inherently good or bad - some people appreciate them and others don't.

If you are genuinely thinking of her, send a card. It will be obvious what it is if you put it through the door so she can choose to read it or not.

Where are you that people have complained about sympathy cards? I've never come across that.

I have kept all the cards I got when my dad died and they did bring comfort that people were thinking of you and that my dad was thought of.

It's difficult. When my mum died, dad got a lot of cards that he had displayed round the house like Christmas cards. Fair enough, that's what he wanted. I got sent cards and I didn't like it, tho I didn't know I wouldn't like them until I got them, iyswim. My siblings liked them.
Personally I'd just buy them some flowers.

I used to wonder if I should send someone a bereavement card, but after losing a parent, I really found it comforting to know someone is acknowledging their life, remember they will be sad anyway you are not adding to it only letting them know you are thinking of them. I would definitely send it.

Yes send one, although I think blank with a few of your own words is better.

And please go out of your way to speak to her, maybe not immediately, but just a few words is so nice to hear. I know it can be awkward but it's so needed.

It is very common to send sympathies cards in Ireland however we do not display them. I have never heard anyone say that they found them upsetting.

I appreciated people making an effort to let me know they cared even if they didn't do so in "perfect" ways.

I find them good.. I'd send especially to a neighbour in this position....

@Curlygirl06

It's difficult. When my mum died, dad got a lot of cards that he had displayed round the house like Christmas cards. Fair enough, that's what he wanted. I got sent cards and I didn't like it, tho I didn't know I wouldn't like them until I got them, iyswim. My siblings liked them. Personally I'd just buy them some flowers.

I think it’s a really personal thing because I’m the complete opposite of the above poster - I hate sympathy flowers and really do not want bouquets all over the house after a loved one has died. I would much prefer cards. So clearly there’s no right/wrong answer - do what feels best and just offer your support

I would send a thinking of you card, and include that you are there if she needs anything in the weeks and months ahead, she is likely to appreciate that you know it's likely to be later when the calls stop

I think it is a very kind thing to do. When my DF died it was lovely to receive them.

The idea that telling someone you are thinking of them will cause them upset is completely alien to me.

But I do see a lot of people on Mumsnet who are very distrustful of anyone else showing any interest in them or their well-being and insist that it is just nosiness or enjoying seeing their pain, or wanting to piggy back on the drama.

I got dozens of cards when my dad died and I treasured each of them and have kept them all. A relative who lost a young adult son got thousands. It took the family months to read them all.

The one thing I would say is that it seemed a lot more genuine when someone actually wrote a message in the card, rather than just signing their name.

I liked them but not designated sympathy cards with crosses and lilies and sad words... nice pictures of flowers or something and own words much preferred.

I've never heard of sympathy cards being a bad thing..I appreciated them hugely when my DH died. Every card meant that someone had cared enough to make that effort.

Personally I don't buy the cards that are specifically sympathy cards. I find them a bit mawkish (though again, I appreciated every one I received). I just buy a nice card, probably a photo of nice scenery, and write a personal message in it.

I agree, I really appreciated the cards I got. Not always at the time, but in the following weeks it was a comfort. Flowers were lovely but made me cry, I just couldn't face them and felt guilty that people had gone to the effort and expense when I didn't want to look at them.

Who doesn’t think they are a good thing?!

I have lost both my parents
Sympathy cards are very treasured

Not “sorry to hear your loss best regards”
But actually something meaningful, even if just a memory of the deceased

My DH died 5 weeks ago, I read the cards as they arrived and I've put them away in a box to 'really read' when it's not so raw.

We received dozens of cards when dh died. Some were from people I didn’t really know very well - friends of his mostly. One in particular wrote quite a long letter about the times they’d spent together and what they’d got up to - it was absolutely lovely and meant a huge amount to me and our sons...we got a picture of dh through someone else’s eyes and what he’d been like before I came along and we’d got married and had children.
My younger ds said it made him feel like he knew his dad a bit better.
I also got cards from people I used to work alongside but had lost touch with, I thought it was so kind of them.
One of my friends did have to nip to Tesco to buy a couple of vases as we were sent so many flowers.
To be honest I don’t think anything could have made me feel worse than I already did at that time - not flowers or cards certainly.

I would definitely send a card. A nice hand written message about him would be good. When my sister was suddenly bereaved last year, she had a brief read of each one, piled them up and put them away for later. She didn’t display them but was very appreciative of getting them. She didn’t like flowers - another thing to look after and remind her of her grief.

Yes I would send a card