Looking for some advice to help me come to terms with the increasing sense I have of having under-achieved in my career, or else do something about it. I should say up front that I know that many people have far more important things to worry about at the moment so please don’t flame me for even mentioning this concern.
I am early 40s, public sector. Began my career 20 or so years ago (eek!) and progressed quickly up the career ladder to the top of middle management. I was on a graduate programme and was seen as someone who would rise through the ranks quickly. Not boasting I hope, just setting the scene. But… I have ground to a halt. I haven’t even attempted promotion for 13 years despite various managers during those years telling me to consider it. I am now coasting, moving from job to job every few years. If I am honest, I am lazy, I can do the projects I am given without being particularly challenged. I always receive good performance reviews although I suspect I am increasingly viewed as a ‘coaster’ (perhaps paranoia?).
In the 13 years since I was last promoted, I have of course had children (now 9 and 6) and have moved from full to part-time. I now work 3 days per week. During the early years of child rearing it would have been impossible for me to even consider a promotion but I always thought that I would do it once the kids were in full-time school, which they have obviously now been for some time. A promotion would mean a great deal more responsibility. I have seen people try to do it part-time (4 days, never 3) and while it works for a while, invariably they end up working on their supposed day off albeit just to keep on top of sign-offs and clearances. There is almost no flexibility over the types of roles at that level.
I enjoy my days off. I go to the gym, catch up with friends, cook, read, keep on top of the housework and life admin. My husband also works part-time and we have a really good balance. He is the higher earner. We don’t need the extra money that a promotion for me would bring (again, please, not boasting, just trying to give some context). So, why, do I feel so frustrated? I should be content to enjoy my very comfortable life but I just feel like a failure, like I’ve not achieved my potential. Perhaps it is a mid-life crisis… The truth is that I don’t want to do a job at the next level. I just want to prove to myself and others that I could do it if I wanted to. I almost want to get it and then turn it down. I haven’t tried to do this as I don’t want to waste people’s time and I am not entirely convinced that I would turn it down, if indeed I got it. I have started thinking that maybe I need something else in my life, a different challenge. I’ve thought (at the very vaguest level) of doing a PhD, of changing careers entirely but life is so comfortable and I guess I am scared and perhaps a bit too lazy to actually do anything to change it but it nags at my ego and self-esteem which I guess is at the heart of this.
Anyway, I am not sure what the answer is but grateful for any thoughts.