If you have kids and work evenings or nights as standard, what does family life look like?

[limonadarosa]

I don't have kids yet but want to. I have a sleeping disorder, however, and I'm struggling to see how I can make it work when I can only work nights and evenings. So I'd love to hear from others who work nights or evenings for any reason at all and manage to parent children and have a life too!

Agreeing with what others have said here in that, unless you have a partner who is willing and able or can pay for a full-time nanny/carer who then you're on a hiding to nothing.

Babies and small children don't care if you've had any sleep, or that you can't get up, they need care and supervision. The video link childcare is awful, and incredibly dangerous.
And I know others have said it but when you're ill with nobody to mind children then you just have to power through, there's no option, and it's often short term. This sounds like it would be a way of life. And when they're ill, or teething or whatever, different scenario but you have to be there and on top of it.

A sleep disorder is a horrendous thing to have to try and combat/cope with and you have my sympathies.

With regards to why I clicked on the thread, DH works nights/long shifts and always has. The only way we can do it is because I'm at home with the DC and do everything there.

He struggles with insomnia so nights suit him. He sleeps the mornings because I do all night waking and childcare (and childcare arrangements) if I have to work. On his days off work I don't expect him to get up early, but I don't expect to have to wait till 4pm to do anything together. It used to be like this and I hated it. When my DS was a baby I really resented him and his sleep schedule because I never got any and it nearly tipped me over the edge. If I'd also had to work full on top then our relationship would never have survived.

What do parents do when one of them is too sick to look after the kids? You have a responsibility to your children so you either find someone in your support network to help or you pay someone to help. If you can't do either of those that's when social services would get involved I'd imagine.

I'm thinking about it coming on too quickly to do that though. In my worst days before I had meds and when I was doing a 9 to 5 kind of schedule for uni I lost consciousness a couple of times due to sleep deprivation and I don't remember any warning. I suppose I was thinking that if you could set up the cameras at least then someone could watch them in that kind of scenario. No idea if a loud phone call would have brought me round sooner or not but if I didn't answer at least the person could organise help. I do have meds now though and if I can manage to get 4 or 5 hours then that wouldn't happen. It's when you drop below 2 hours that things get dangerous and you don't always get any warning that you're about to get very ill/pass out. But ideally I'm hoping there will be grandparents to help out or a man wealthy enough to pay for help. I'm still trying to increase my own income but I'm obviously limited by when I can work so not sure how successful I'm going to be on that front.

Submariner - yes a mother's helper sounds ideal. My sleep disorder is a bit of a vicious circle in that the more tired I get the harder I find it to sleep so trying to ensure I get a minimum amount of sleep every day is important. I'm also dating and do prefer self employed people or people with flexible jobs. I'm more than happy to stay up all night and handle the night waking - I just can't do mornings. Aaaargh!

"Being so tired you can't see, hear, etc is often par for the course with babies and small children. You just have to get on with it."

I've never heard of anyone else that's been that tired - I literally mean full blindness/deafness, in that your eyes are open but it's pitch black, or you can see people's lips moving but hear complete silence. I.e. you're incapacitated and can't look after anyone, not even yourself. Again, that's come on suddenly in the past when I've been severely sleep deprived and it's unlikely I'd ever let things get to that stage again as I make getting a safe amount of sleep a priority above all else but I do worry about things getting that bad again.

Yes, Gohackyourself, I've sought loads of treatment and I'm currently spending some money I inherited on private doctors who tend to be better with this kind of thing than NHS ones so I may yet find a solution. I've never actually discussed the looking after kids side of things with a doctor though. I reckon there's not much more they could suggest than what's been suggested here though. A supportive (and preferably wealthy) partner would probably be the biggest asset in that sense. Just so frustrating that I can't do much dating at the moment to find one. :(

That sounds hard Ylvamoon. Although I'm relatively good natured if I can manage 5 hours. It's less than 5 and I start getting grumpy and less than 2 and things start getting dangerous. By the sounds of things you're still together though so you clearly did manage, just.

AToadontheWhole I can see why you'd be resentful and I'd want to avoid putting my partner in that position. Need to keep working on finding better meds.

Thank you all for your contributions. They've been helpful. I'm under no illusion as to how hard children are and I am taking this seriously. Won't have kids ultimately if I can't see a way it can be safe for all of us and that decision may ultimately be made for me by my lack of partner and the current impossibility of dating to find one!

@limonadarosa I would definitely discuss your hopes with a doctor, there must be ppl out there with similar situations.They would have come across parents with this condition - also I thought that if the situation is so bad , is it classed as a disability and therefore you could obtain help at some point ( post covid ) ? I’m afraid wealthy men are few and far between nowadays much like wealthy women! Hopefully by the time you meet someone and you are ready for children there may be some advances in your condition or science to help sort!?! You didn’t mention how old you are ?