Overheard about my life

[twixter]

I was in a queue today and overheard two people in front of me talking about someone recently single and that ‘at 35 she will most likely have no marriage with anyone decent now, let alone a family.’

I’m 36 in two months and felt sick hearing this. I am so sad and alone and can’t help feeling they are right. I’m not 22 anymore, I look older. I don’t want a family alone. I’d love to meet someone. I’ve tried dating. I am exhausted with life and doing everything alone, moving house, changing jobs, choosing a car...it is lonely as fuck. And these girls were right that just like the person they were talking about, I too look like I will face a future alone and without a family.

Just feel sad and guess I wanted some words of comfort that a life alone is ok. It doesn’t feel ok right now.

[Arthersleep]

My friend just found 'the one' at the age of 39. She's 44 now and has recently had a baby. I know a few in this position. But, if you are worried and can afford it, freeze your eggs in a year or two. Or consider a sperm donor. If you want a baby, then go for it. Alternatively, change dating strategies. Tell your friends on FB to help you find a nice man. Consider a match maker. Join local organized sports groups (several of my friends have met people this way). If you do online dating, then research what sort of profile pics and wording attracts the best most genuine responses. Don't give up. And don't sit there expecting a nice chap to fall into your lap. I'm afraid that in this day and age you have to put in a lot of effort to find one. If you keep on with the same routine, talking to just the same people at work, seeing family and a few friends etc, then it's unlikely that you will meet someone new. You have to do something different and increase your chances.

[Progress2019]

Two of my friends met their husbands at 38.

One met him through online dating, back when it was quite a new thing. I lost touch with her for a short while, and reconnected a few years later when she moved into the next road - with baby twin boys and a husband

The other married in her early 20s, but it didn't last long. She met the man through my husbands friend. They have two children, and shes living my dream life in Clovelly (we’re from London outskirts).

Those women were horrible, and probably lead miserable lives. You’ll meet someone - as long as you’re not like my cousin. She decided at 55 that she was ready for a relationship, after being hurt in her 20s. The most important thing was he mustn't have any baggage (kids, ex wife, even long term relationship). She found Mr Right online and married him. He was 57, and unsurprisingly, turned out to be a right weirdo. I think a bit of baggage is fine and normal.

[ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore]

I met my DH at 36. I did not settle. We have 3 lovely children.

[Pipandmum]

Embrace your single life. I met my husband through an introductory agency (not online) when I was 39. He was an amazing man - good looking, successful etc. We married a year later and had two kids. He sadly passed away after seven years. So I've been single since then raising our kids. But I'm not looking for a partner- sure if it happens fantastic, but I'm happy on my own. I don't need a man to make me feel worthwhile. I have been single for decades more than I was married and I'm used to it. I have lots of interests, friends etc. I'm not lonely at all.

[Arthersleep]

Also, examine your expectations. I ended up marrying a close male friend. It was weird at first, because we were friends and I had never thought of him in any other way. 25 years later and I adore him. It certainly wasn't love at first sight, but some relationships are slow growing ones. I think that we formed the connection because we weren't necessarily looking for each other. Perhaps on line dating is a bit too intense and puts you under too much pressure. Perhaps a group sport/social thing would be better so that you focus on just enjoying being in the company of others. Do you have a dog or could you borrow one? That's another good way to meet people. Finally, if you feel brave enough to disclose a few more details, perhaps a few of us could come up with suggestions (i.e. what hobbies you enjoy and what city you live in (nothing too outing)).

[unmarkedbythat]

Those women are mad.

Lots and lots of people I know have met life partners at your age and later. People fall for one another in their 60s ffs! So many of my friends (I'm 39) have ended first marriages and are keen to find new relationships, plenty of my friends haven't settled down with anyone yet and don't feel time is running out. I don't want to dismiss your sadness as you sound so unhappy and lonely... I just want to say, from my perspective those women were talking rubbish.

[Alonley1]

These sort of people are arrogant . Are they entirely sure things won’t f* up for them . You can have what you op . Wishing you the best .

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

I'm in the exact same boat as you OP. I actually started a thread on finding some single friends who can relate to me. I'm 36. Feel free to inbox me if you fancy a chat, I'll reply x

[MitziK]

@twixter

Did they settle?

That’s what the feeling seems to be after 35, it’s settling or forever alone

Well, the person I'm thinking of might have settled at 44.

If you call marrying a 32 year old graphic designer with his own house, successful business and who still, nearly twenty years later, absolutely adores her settling, that is.

Two children, one born when she was 45 and one just before her 47th birthday, lovely house, great holidays, wonderful life, great husband (one of my best friends from school).



I didn't even meet DP until I was 40. If it weren't for being infertile since I was 28, we'd have had children, too.


It is not too late for everybody. For many, most even, I'd say it's a great time to meet somebody.

[DipSwimSwoosh]

Why is waiting, settling? Surely people who shack up with one of the first people they meet are settling. You are not.
Also, you don't need a partner to have a family. Many people have kids then split up. If you want kids, make steps to make that happen, partner or not.
Strength to you. If you are lonely that's tough. But if you are living your life and haven't yet got kids and all that shit... chill. Really. Don't panic.

[Flittingaboutagain]

OP I can appreciate that this would have been very upsetting to hear.

But what they are forgetting is many people never find "the one"..they think they have found him, then get divorced eventually and remarry anyway! So you might well find someone lovely unmarried, or divorced in the next 5 years!

[jessstan2]

@MaidofKent78

I met my now husband at 36. Had my DS at 37. Could have had more children but opted to stop at one.

If I'd not met my husband, I'd have been perfectly happy to continue to be on my own. Life alone is great if you're happy and ALWAYS, ALWAYS preferable to being with someone awful for the sake of not being alone.

Hear hear!

[katy1213]

Old and broken by life at 36! I've travelled the world since I was 36 - and three decades on, I'm still not old and broken thank you very much.
Have a browse on Mumsnet and you'll find countless women in miserable, dreary marriages who would give anything to swap them for a life alone.

[Brenna24]

I met my now DH when I was 35 and his team moved into my area at work. I wasn't looking for anyone having spent 11 years with a lying, cheating, abusive twat and a few years mostly single (apart from an arrangement with first one friend then another which was the closest to a relationship I could cope with). I had an elderly, grumpy dog who hated men. My now DH spotted me out running near my flat (we lived close by each other) and asked if I wanted a running partner. We became friends 5hen he got offered a job in a town 5 hours away and I realised just how much I would miss him. He only lasted 3 months in that job before moving back up here to be with me. We married at 37 (me) and 39 (him) and had 1 DD after a series of miscarriages just as I turned 40. I wouldn't change my life for the world and neither of us settled. We did have some very practical early conversations about our lives, wants, expectations, what we would not compromise on. Not very romantic but we really knew where we were.

[AliasGrape]

I met DH at 35, close to 36. We have a newborn now 5 years later.

I didn’t settle. I did become very clear about what I was looking for and only considered dating people who wanted the same thing. I asked DH on second date if he wanted children within the next few years as there was no point continuing if not (I was planning on trying to have a baby on my own and d made a start in that direction so I was actually putting things on hold to see where the relationship went and he needed to be worth it!)

My friend is 50 next year. She met her partner at 47 and the guy is drop dead gorgeous and absolutely lovely and perfect for her. I mean seriously as far from settling as you can get.

[Bouncycastle12]

I was single at 35 and am just about to have baby 2 with a gorgeous man. Those women are muppets. Ignore them.

[sugarlost]

I feel your pain OP I'm in a similar situation.

Have faith you have time and try and take on positive feedback.

It can just be so lonely at times and I enjoy my own company, socialise, do meet ups etc.

Don't give up. Some days are more difficult then others but there are brighter days ahead

[pallisers]

My best friend met her husband at 40. Had a baby and was married by 42.

I had a friend over visiting in the garden today. She divorced at 50. She was telling me all about her lovely new boyfriend.

One of the happiest people I know is a friend who never married (and never wanted to).

You are so young and you have loads of time.

[IZZYROW]

You are still sooo young!! You will meet someone. In the meantime, enjoy yourself!! Do whatever you want to whenever you want just because you can :)

[RaisinGhost]

Oh gosh I hate when this happens! I mean the overhearing thing. Whenever I am feeling bad or not confident about something, I can guarantee this will happen. For example, I've been really unsure about which area to move to, I finally found one that seemed good. I log on to mn, the first thread I see on active is "aibu to think x area is shit". I've never seen any thread commenting on that or any area like that before!

[Carrigfada]

@WiserOlder

What a small town life mindset.

Exactly. I know no one who was married in their early twenties. I was far too busy focusing on other things then. So was everyone I know.

Stop behaving as though this restrictive template is the only timetable available.

[Jk987]

There’s no time limit on finding love, end of. Don’t think of every man you date as a potential long term partner. A few casual, no pressure flings might give you your sparkle back and open some doors.

The right man came into my life at 39 after years of being single and I wouldn’t change a thing now. I met him when we used to work together.

Egg freezing is worth considering if you think you’d feel better by doing so.

Think of all your amazing qualities and keep reminding yourself of these. Someone will be bowled over by you even if you don’t think so right now. Aim high but not for perfection, go with your gut feeling.

[Justaboy]

Umm .. lets see OP at 35 that these days isnt that old, well not what it would have been say 50 odd years ago, its considered quite young now.

Problem is maybe and I think this is true for lots of singles that these days online dating isnt all that its cracked up to be, a lot complain about the quality of the men theron a lot have bene chucked out by some other woman and a lot are, lets put it simpley, are looking for a leg over or what they used to call a one night stand.

Meeting people socially right now has been sodded right up by the damm virus so its going to be a while yet before that becomes that viable again.

I'd like now to meet up with someone but getting on a bit in the Sixties but tried OLD but not much good, only women i tend to meet socially are your age and if say 36 was 46 maybe 56 no matter. Mind you got talking to a 28 year old lady the other week and we had so much in common it wasnt true!, but sadley it woud be unrealistic for us to be together with that age gap but one day the lady right will turn up:)

So one hopes;!!

Best of luck anyway, and don't harken to those putting you down!

[Excited101]

You’re not on your own with it op, many people don’t understand unless they’re in your (our) shoes.

[ImANosyNeighbour]

You are young OP and should try not to feel so deflated no matter what other people say. You are right not to settle for someone you aren’t in love with. But don’t give up on meeting someone. Do you feel like you have explored lot’s of other options like new hobbies and going out with friends? Do your friends have any male friends or relatives who they could introduce you to?

I know you say you are fed up doing things on your own, but would you consider getting your fertility checked out? It would be worth knowing what your options are and whether you could freeze your eggs so that you have more choices. If you don’t meet someone in the next few years you might want to think about having a baby on your own or co-parenting with someone?

But don’t give up and in the meantime do lot’s of things you enjoy with your time.