Overheard about my life

[twixter]

I was in a queue today and overheard two people in front of me talking about someone recently single and that ‘at 35 she will most likely have no marriage with anyone decent now, let alone a family.’

I’m 36 in two months and felt sick hearing this. I am so sad and alone and can’t help feeling they are right. I’m not 22 anymore, I look older. I don’t want a family alone. I’d love to meet someone. I’ve tried dating. I am exhausted with life and doing everything alone, moving house, changing jobs, choosing a car...it is lonely as fuck. And these girls were right that just like the person they were talking about, I too look like I will face a future alone and without a family.

Just feel sad and guess I wanted some words of comfort that a life alone is ok. It doesn’t feel ok right now.

[Staffy1]

I have a few friends who got married in their late 30's and had children in early 40's. Lots of people seem to have children in their 40's these days. I know one of my friends met her husband on an online dating site, which might be a good option if there isn't much opportunity to meet people in your daily routine. I also have a few friends who are happily single and enjoy the freedom.

[Rufus27]

I met my DP when I was 37. Didn’t move in together until I was 41. Now I’m 48 with a two and three year old. DP was worth waiting for - the reason it worked this time was because, for once, I didn’t go for ‘my type’.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Why the hang up on "settling", op? Are you assuming only the dregs are left at this point? . Very strange viewpoint.

[Blondiney]

Even if you don't end up playing happy ever afters with 'The One', it's still possible to live a lovely, contented life.

[twixter]

Yes I think I do assume that. And it’s definitely something my colleagues say regularly. Not directly to me but in general discussions

[Holothane]

I left my ex aged 38 had two years on my own I loved it it taught me I’d rather be on my own than have a drunk, mummy’s boy ect. I married my 2nd husband at 40 we’ve just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary.

[AwkwardPhase]

Christ, if I'd settled down and got married at 22 I'd be with Russell the complete dickhead now. The horror! Well, we'd definitely be divorced by now and there'd probably be a restraining order involved, but you get the picture....

I'm getting married this year OP and I'm nearly 47. I met my partner in my late 30s and we have a daughter (now 6yrs old). He's someone I used to work with decades ago and then met up again and just clicked. I was at a point where I was genuinely really happy on my own though and I think that would have continued if I hadn't met him.

[Pollaidh]

Utter rubbish.

All I've noticed is that people who meet later tend to move more quickly to the marriage and kids stage, presumably for biological reasons. I've quite a few friends who met and married in mid thirties onwards and they don't seem to have settled.

[BrummyMum1]

If you don’t try online dating then you’re seriously limiting the pool of possible men to choose from. Me and a friend were both single and miserable at your age. I did online dating, met the love of my life and have a family. My friend refused to do online dating, has no children and briefly dated another friends ex for a while. Put yourself out there.

[Highlandcathedral]

I remember having a similar conversation with my best friend many years ago - she was 36 with a divorce behind her and said she would never meet a new person to love and never have children. When we had our 40th celebration she was married with one child and pregnant with her second. She got together with someone she had known years before. They are still married 20 years later.

[Bluntness100]

What do you mean by settling op?

I’m worried you have some fairy tale vision of relationships. Generally we meet someone, fall in love, are physically attracted, get on well, shared values, but yes, we see their faults and accept them

Is this settling to you?

[zaffa]

When I was around age I was desperately sad that I would be alone forever. Internet dating unsuitable men and just generally drifting.
Today I am married with a baby (just four years later)
Life works out in the most wonderful ways. If I go back five years I'd have laughed in your face if you had told me how it would end, yet I am the happiest I have ever been.

[Fink]

They are, of course, talking nonsense, as the numerous testimonies on here of people who met their partners older show. But I do have a couple of thoughts from your post, which you can take or leave. They're not intended to be personal criticism (I don't even know you, I'm in no position to be making judgements about your life choices) but just observations:

Firstly, I think that if you do want to meet someone, having a positive outlook and generally being happy with your life will greatly increase the chances. You clearly can't be instructed to just 'be happy', but ti's worth thinking about mindset and whether you can shift your thinking. Someone who is content with the life they've got comes across much better, for at least two reasons:

1. happiness is attractive (at least to people who aren't abusive arseholes looking to prey on the vulnerable) in itself. A confident, happy person is more inviting.
   

2. you don't come across as needing the partner to fill a lack in your life (meaning you impersonally as 'one', not you in particular OP). The attitude of someone who enjoys spending time with a new person and getting to know them is very different from someone who's desperate to be in a relationship. Neediness can be quite offputting.

Secondly, you seem quite hung up on the idea of people 'settling'. I may be wrong, but that's sometimes allied with an idea that marriage/long term partnership is all about finding The One perfect person for me. I'm not saying people should settle for a relationship that's not what they want, but people do need to be aware that no relationship is perfect, that plenty of brilliant long term relationships are between people who weren't initially very attracted to each other (at least physically), and most importantly that relationships require a lot of effort on both sides to make them work. Life isn't a Disney princess's dream (luckily!).

Signed,
A very happy single woman older than you (and with no intention of leaving single life!)

[Bluntness100]

@twixter

Yes I think I do assume that. And it’s definitely something my colleagues say regularly. Not directly to me but in general discussions

So you think you’re also the dregs, as you are in that same boat?

[zaffa]

Oh and I promise you I didn't settle. setting would have been reconciling with my ex fiancé who left me eighth years ago now and threw my world into a spiral - DH is truly my best friend and the one person I know without a doubt is always on my side. There isn't even a hint of settling about him; marrying him felt like winning all the jackpots all the time

[ButteryPuffin]

Your colleagues sound awful. They're dragging you down with all this talk of settling as the punishment of the 30 something woman. I would seriously think about moving to work somewhere you're not hearing this all the time.

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 34 with 2 kids from 2 different dads, 4 months pregnant, unemployed and probably getting a divorce. I know how you feel because it will probably be just me and my kids now forever, and I'd rather have them than any man but it's still pretty shit writing that part of my life off forever. But actually neither of us is old AT ALL, and noone knows what will happen in the future. There's no reason whatsoever you can't meet someone and have a family. Its a shitty feeling though I know.

[keeprocking]

I have a lot of single friends, we're all in our 60s or 70s, and they seem very happy, they have the freedom and money to travel (pre-covid) and have to answer to no-one else! Whether you marry or not, have a family or not, it's not the end of the world these days.

[MissConductUS]

@twixter

Yes I think I do assume that. And it’s definitely something my colleagues say regularly. Not directly to me but in general discussions

You have to focus on what's important.

If you have your heart set on a 6'4", model handsome investment banker, doctor or securities lawyer you may well come up empty.

If you look for someone intelligent, kindhearted and self sufficient, he's likely out there.

[pollylocketpickedapocket]

@Toriathebadger

Had those people transported themselves to modern day from ye olden days?! Since when are 35 year olds too old to find a partner and start a family?!

Often! Yes they were judgemental but there's a much slimmer chance then, not impossible but difficult

[Onceuponatimethen]

What they said is not only mean but also crap! So many of us met people late and had kids late

[QueSera]

Are you 'out there' OP? Many people meet a partner through their interests and hobbies. If you're not doing these things, perhaps start - join groups, clubs, hobbies, etc. It's worth a try anyway! Or even trying new things that you may not have done before - eg a hiking group, a choir etc.
And: stop listening to your colleagues, they are very wrong.

[Aurorie11]

Met my husband less than a month before my 36th birthday via mutual plans, it wasn’t a set up. Just over 5 years later married with two kids, youngest is 10 soon. I thought it would never happen

[pollylocketpickedapocket]

@twixter

Did they settle?

That’s what the feeling seems to be after 35, it’s settling or forever alone

If you want kids do it alone, if you want happy ever after with the perfect guy-just be aware things aren't always as perfect as they seem. Very, very few people have a perfect life, if any