I have just left an abusive relationship. My friends are wanting me to get the police involved but I don’t want to. What should I do?

[Lozbreizh]

Hi
Yesterday I got assaulted by my now ex boyfriend. I treated him for a meal out and we had a lovely night but we ended up disagreeing on something, I’ve told him to leave it as were enjoying our night but when we left the pub he assaulted me in the tiny street behind the pub. He pushed me onto the floor and grabbed me by the throat so I slapped him but he got me against another wall and started to strangle me, I couldn’t breathe at all and I could see on the corner of my eye a bouncer a few meters away who didn’t move but he was talking to a thingy on his ear. While he was strangling me about 5 or 6 men came to help me and I recognised one of the men who was a pub staff member as he served me drinks during the night . Those men were adamant I needed to come with them and away from my partner , one of them has mentioned seeing us on cctv this is how they came I’m guessing. I rang my boyfriends mum in hysterics asking her to pick me up I was in a state of absolute shock so I didn’t want to follow them and i insisted on telling them my boyfriend parents were on the way to pick us up .I know it does sound crazy that I left with him . He first apologised then started to push me again a few streets away saying it was my fault, that I ruined the night, made a scene in the street and that he would kill himself if I said anything so I started to walk away and I could hear him running to me so I’m guessing this was my instinct kicking and trying to survive but I pretended to be fine “ ok let’s get to your parents and get some sleep “ When we were in car both his parents were silent and I was just crying while my boyfriend was trying to hold my hand, sometimes nicely but sometimes putting pressure on it as to urge me not to cry in front of his parents. When we got home I went upstairs to fetch my bag as I wanted to go back to my flat ( we live together somewhere else ) he closed the door behind him in his bedroom and tried to tell me to stay and when I said no he put his hands on my neck again saying he won’t help me with the rent etc so his dad came and wrestled him on floor while my boyfriend was saying “ is this what you wanted , alright dad let me say bye to the c*nt ) I don’t know where his mum was. His dad drove me home, I gave most of his clothes and things in bag and told him I was done with it all. That was a shocking assault but sadly it wasn’t the first one. He used to be physically abusive in different ways ( pinning me to the bed and shout in my face, once spat on my face, grabbing me by arms which left bruises, driving dangerously with me in the car to scare me, etc ) one particular bad one was while we were on lockdown so I couldn’t go to work, he wrestled me on the floor and I must have dissociated myself from the situation because I can’t remember exactly what happened, I know he didn’t punch me or slapped me I only remember being on the floor and it lasted only a few seconds. The day after I had two black eyes and marks on my forehead and a big lump on my temple and he prevented me to get seen by a doctor ( I was worried as it was a head injury ) and closed all curtains for 2 weeks to make sure I couldn’t be seen. I took pictures and told his parents ( mine live abroad ) and they said they had to get him sectioned before because he has mental health issues. It it quite clear he suffers from some kind of disorder but it’s not an excuse for all the things he’s done and I know you’re wondering why I stayed. I can only say I loved him blindly, and I wasn’t being realistic about the situation and was a hopeful naive woman . What I’m saying is, his parents knew he assaulted me and I’m not sure if they realise the severity of it because it’s their son or don’t want to face the reality. His dad told me yesterday to block my ex and that I deserved better, he seemed lost for words I don’t know . My friends want me to get the police involved but I’m terrified and I it’s not that I want to protect my ex, but sadly I have to process what happened while grieving my relationship and the whole lie it was and I cannot shut down my feelings yet about him so needless to say I am a mess and I don’t feel like I can deal with the police on top of it all. If anyone been in a similar situation I would please ask for your advice . Thank you

[AnotherEmma]

TorkTorkBam posted 8 times in less than an hour and a half and was harassing the OP to a shameful degree, I hope that poster doesn't come back.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Wow talk about a pile on! Pot, kettle anyone? How about toning down the bullying?

I look at those posts and see facts. People saw it. Fact. They will probably report it. Fact. He could and is likely to cause her serious injury if left alone. Fact. He WILL cause serious injury or kill other women. Who will have no warning of his behaviour because he has no record. Fact.

Where was the harassment? Or are you ok with women getting the shit beaten out of them?

[Delphinium20]

@Lozbreizh Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and am so happy you have started a support system by contacting the abuse center. I can only imagine how difficult this is. Stay connected and take care. I'll keep checking this post. Hugs.

[AnotherEmma]

Bullying? OK then

[FAQs]

Thank goodness some people can see past the facts and see the person behind the facts, the feelings behind the facts and the courage the poster had to post how she was feeling, behind the facts without dictating to her what she should do and without being aggressive to her, whilst offering her support and her offering options without demanding she take action from their own perspective rather than the posters.

What a cold soulless world lacking in empathy and understanding from a basic human perspective this would be without this.

Abuse isn’t based on fact. The law and legislation is based on fact but not to the detriment and disregard of the person behind it.

[EstherMumsnet]

We are getting a lot of reports about this thread and would like to respectfully remind people that the OP is looking for support and advice and we should be mindful not to blame the victim in such cases. Please do report anything you think we should look at.

[ulanbatorismynextstop]

I though torktorkbam was quite reasonable. You can see in the posts that they really just want to help the op.

I hope you get away from him soon op.

[newtb]

Please phone the police. They'll be able to get a copy of the cctv from where you were first assaulted.

[Tillygetsit]

If the police are aware of his mh history he could end up in a forensic psychiatric unit which would help him so contacting the police is no bad thing.
I send all good wishes to you

[katy1213]

Go to the police. You have witnesses and so few women do in circumstances like this. Whatever you do, don't go back to him. He's in the past now, let him stay there - and stop worrying about him, if he wants to kill himself that's his choice and he's not much loss to anyone, is he? He won't, anyway - threats are just another attempt at controlling you.

[AlternativePerspective]

It’s not hard to see from this thread why women don’t feel able to speak out about domestic abuse.

For those who are victim blaming and piling the responsibility for what these types of men do on the women they’re doing it to, every time you tell a woman she is responsible if he does it to her she is less likely to tell someone.

For every woman you tell that she is responsible for what happens to other women if she doesn’t speak out she is less likely to tell someone.

For whatever reason many women need the confidence to speak out about domestic violence and to leave abusive relationships. Confidence which has almost always been eroded by their abusers, and is then further eroded by the victim blaming masses.

In short, if you are victim blaming here, if you are holding a woman responsible here, then you are part of the problem and are responsible for leaving victims of domestic abuse in isolation and unable to speak out.

[AnotherEmma]

Well said.

[whataballbag]

OP well done for seeking support.

I think it would be wise to report this, should you ever need evidence of what he's done for any reason. If there's one thing I wish I'd done it would have been report my ex. But I was too scared to, it seemed too 'final' if that makes sense.

I think you've been incredibly brave, keep your wits about you. Don't give in to him when he inevitably rings you crying saying he's sorry or turns up at your door.

Another benefit of reporting it is that the police will put a vulnerable marker on your address. This will give you a priority response should he ever turn up at your door.

[monkeyonthetable]

I have found this thread really educating. I honestly thought that encouraging an abused woman to speak out was a supportive act - that telling her she wouldn;t want it to happen to others was a way of saying 'and you are as valuable and worthy as anyone else, so treat yourself with the respect you would treat others.'

Clearly this just isn't how it works at all. I've not had the experience of physical abuse form a partner. But know from other traumas that the only people who actually understand what you need and what is helpful are those who've been through it. People who haven't invariably say the wrong thing with lots of force and attitude. Sorry for being one of them.

So thank you to everyone who piled on to say, 'Stop. This isn't helping.' Sorry OP for causing any undue pressure. I just wish you the best.