Any dyspraxics want to chat?

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Hi!
On a thread the other day it became apparent that there's quite a few dyspraxic women on here. I thought it would be nice to have somewhere to chat, about coping mechanisms for work, family, whatever, what we wish we'd known, diagnosis and so on - or anything you like! As-yet-undiagnosed people are of course welcome, as it's practically impossible to get diagnosed as an adult on the NHS 🙄
I'd appreciate it if this remained a space for adult dyspraxics though, rather than people wondering if their child might be - we can spend a lot of time explaining it so it's nice to have a break
I hope some of you join me!

[toastmeahotcrossbun]

Thanks for this thread a lot of it resonates with me. Like you BogRoll I really struggle with background noise, I can't distinguish one from another. Also have sensory issues, worse growing up, around fabrics, food, smells. Sensory overload in certain settings.

I mainly feel like I struggle in the home, especially cooking because I can't organise all the ingredients even if following a recipe and find it incredibly stressful to get the timings and cooking is just very stressful in general. Knives, grill, etc a danger zone.

Very difficult to change the duvet cover. Housework feels overwhelming

Can't walk in heels or ride a bicycle. Found it very difficult to learn to swim and to learn to drive, and still don't enjoy either.

I struggle with applying makeup or blow drying my hair

But I'm also creative and good in a crisis

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I was diagnosed as part of series of tests for dyslexia just before end of my first degree – apparently I clearly had both.

I can't get anyone interested in looking at eldest two children - it's been a huge battle to get screening done for DD1 for dyslexia which also come back borderline and then that's it. None of the GPs have never been interested.

Some of the thing on here are ringing bells – mild sensory issue with noise and textures food and clothing yes to all three of us.

Loss of skill like hand writing – yep and I could ride a bike as a kid though fell of fa lot but can't as an adult. Did pass driving test second time but quickly gave up driving – would like to try again with an automatic with sat navigation left and right less an issue with age and practise.

Can easily get tripped up with time usually meetings and timetables - so have to be careful.

Cooking is fine for all of us – and housework I do struggle but a lot of that’s motivation especially living with so many others. Also pile of stuff I do “know” area things are in – kind of like hoarders so DH coming in and moving’s an issue.

Organisation – I'm actually very organised in many ways but I was told my skills were brittle – come under pressue and they’d crack. I think it was more a cliff edge with age I've made than more a slump. I grew up in a very axious household who need days adavanced warnings for leaving the house - so think I learnt and I'm passing on things like metal check list before leaving house and other skill like prioritising and making big jobs into series of smaller ones.

Reading people is an odd one as well - I struggled as a child and teen but having watched similar with DS some of that is other people almost gas lighting - you know people are being arseholes to you but everyone insist it's you being sensitive or they didn't mean it and they make you doubt it and react accordingly.

As an adult I I find I care less plus I think skill have impoved and I've found I have read social situations and people better than family members who go on how great thet are at that.

Recent realsiation for me was realsing the slight clikcing out of joints thing three of us have is possibly related as isn't "normal".

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Thank you so much for joining me everyone! Particularly interesting to hear about people's experiences with sensory difficulties /overload. I sometimes feel like a bit of a fraud to say I don't want to do something bc of it, as ppl thing it's only a thing for autistic people, but clearly that's not the case. In my case it feels like someone is yelling at me and I can't stop them or work out why, then I start feeling breathless and sick and have to leave. It doesn't help that I can't speak either, and I can't stand anyone touching me as they try to comfort me!

[BogRollBOGOF]

There is quite an overlap between the sensory side of dyspraxia and autism. Both conditions often occur together and people with an autism diagnosis often struggle to get their dyspraxia diagnosed, because an autism diagnosis often "closes the case". Often where autism and dyspraxia are both diagnosed, it's the dyspraxia that is identified first (as with DS) and the autism follows.

I "get" DS's sensory issues, but not to the same intensity. I don't have the communication/ social issues that he does, but do have an issue with the information coming in.

I'm finding that I'm more sensitive at the moment because of lockdown. I haven't had my usual quiet time alone because of DH and the DCs around nearly 24/7 for 5.5 months. I made a point of getting out regularly all the way through, for walks, the supermarket. But places like the supermarket were quieter, and I'm struggling to adjust to places busying up again. I've had two panic attacks in shops now because of the face covering, because I'm moving and warm, trying to concentrate on what I need, giving generous personal space, noise, and I never was good at breathing humid air. If I'm sitting still somewhere quiet, I can tolerate it better.

The organisation of children having different school times is about to be interesting...

A few minutes here and there in a routine can really affect my organisation.

I found with swimming lessons, if I have to be out just past the hour to allow enough time, that's good and I can aim for the hour and have slack on the right time. If I have to be out just before the hour, it's a nightmare as my brain latches on to the hour.
So if I had to leave at 10 to, I'll always find it a battle, but 10 past is much easier to aim for.

One of my best friends has dyspraxia diagnosed and our children are all similarly wayward at trying to herd out of the house. We tend to aim for a time zone so we can aim for the earlier time and not be late when we turn up 30 minutes later (it's an open competition on the time keeping, yesterday we were both 10 mins late together ) and we meet at places like playgrounds where accurate timekeeping doesn't matter.

(I find the typical MN threads on punctuality very depressing!)

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I grew up in a household were time for shit to happen was built in - so thats' been fairly automatic - lots of reminder to get ready and out the door for everyone on top.

My timing issues are more getting confused getting fixed on wrong time/date-especially if multiple people are giving slightly different times and there some additional calucations in there timetables/walking times- it's not common but I've had a few occurances. Other issues is mis-timing walking distance because I'm very familiar with the routes - so now know it's an issue so use google maps for timings even when I shouldn't need to.

I've found the children tend to be quite good themsleves about knowing about school dates/times - though they all have wall planner calanders now to help support that - as eldest especailly has more exams and tests coming up. Though again frequent checking everyone know dates/times also seem to be learnt behavior.

I find how I can cope with crowds depends on how much capcity I have left - so if I'm tried or dealing with other sensory irritants or have a heavy mental load - keeping eye on three kids when younger - I'm was much less able to cope.

I do find people are less tolerant of touch or scent issues.

I don't have a lot of scent problems it's usually joss sticks or scented candles very strong intense scents in enclosed environments. I can cope with moth ball scent in cupboard in packets and on clothes but had headache which got worse till I slept and was sick when DH put huge amount on a favorite coat in the hall way - I got disbelief that it was an issue till I was physically ill and DD1 started to complain of similar.

I don't know if it's related but I do have a very OTT startle response - if I'm unware I'm not along I literally jump out my skin at noise or movement and many people get very offended by that. Neigbours currently and when I live in multiple occupany hoses when younger. It kicks in with unexpected touching as well - so does tend to limit that.

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Yes, I too have the problem that how much sensory stuff I can cope with depends on how stressed I am, how much other stuff I have to focus on, etc. Difficult to explain to people that some days I might be fine, but others I'll really struggle. One of my family members has asd, and their sensory issues are much more severe than than mine, so that I didn't really realise I had any until I moved out of the family home. I'm a big sensory seeker when it comes to touch/ proprioception, which could also be a little difficult growing up with a family who are mostly the exact opposite!

[Mumtothelittlefella]

Reading with interest.

My DD (7) was diagnosed with dyspraxia during lockdown (my son was diagnosed as dyslexic just before lockdown so we wanted DD to be assessed too). It’s mild with her so she can ride a bike and swim and has done from a young age. That said, she’s awkward in movement so things like handstands or climbing are hard/impossible.

It’s noticeable with her social skills. Not with her friends or family but her communication skills leave her when speaking to someone new so she finds it’s hard making new friends, especially if it’s in a group setting.

I noticed very quickly during lockdown that she struggles with maths, and handwriting is very hard for her. She used to love drawing but as she’s getting older she is getting frustrated that she can’t copy a drawing she’s looking at.

I haven’t been diagnosed as dyslexic or with dyspraxia but I know I have both, as do most of my family (diagnosed), very prominently in some cases. I can related to and understand what both children are going and I don’t want them to struggle as I did. I’ve done well, it’s not held me back at all as I think it’s helped me become creative and find other skills. I plan to do the same for my DC.

Having a diagnoses has really helped put all the pieces of the puzzle in place. Now we understand we can approach things in different ways. It’s also helped family members and my DH understand what it all means.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I noticed very quickly during lockdown that she struggles with maths, and handwriting is very hard for her.

I think my children struggled with maths partly becuase of how it was taught in their primary school - lots of group "fun" activities in busy noisy classroom. DS also had poor working memory so any delay between explination and actvity and he was lost.

Mathfactor was a massive help - clear explinations that can be replayed set of questions to check understand- same next day then building on that going forward.

Though even DD2 who I generally think has fewer problems needed more repetition than most to remember maths facts - they're now quite good at maths even mental arthmetic - I'm good with maths but very poor at mental arthmetic.

Handwriting and spelling I think we've just manage to improve rather than get to "normal" levels.

[TeenPlusTwenties]

She used to love drawing but as she’s getting older she is getting frustrated that she can’t copy a drawing she’s looking at.

With DD we taught her the 'trace and reproduce' method.
It meant she could produce things in Secondary that didn't look like they had been done by an Infant. (Not for Art, for other subjects. Well actually, sometimes for Art too.)

[ISaySteadyOn]

Another one here. I always knew something was wrong with my hands (my mother told me) and the rest of me but I didn't know what.

I mentioned this to a friend one day when I was in my early 20s and he said 'Yeah, I have that too. It's called dyspraxia'. I was flabbergasted. It had a name?

I didn't get diagnosed until the age of 27 and that came along with a tentative ASD diagnosis.

With the punctuality thing, I am too early if I am on my own and struggle to get 3 DC out the door (none of them show any traits thanks to DH's genes). The staggered school times are going to be difficult as all 3 have different start and end times. I am going to be in a state of 'time anxiety' all day.

I had managed, before lockdown, to organise my life in a way that worked for me but of course, all of that is gone now.

I feel like I am a very slow cook and it is frustrating. If we had a freezer, I would buy more pre sliced things but we don't and have nowhere to put one.

I think I have empathy about clumsiness and frustration with it as well as the noise thing so I am trying to teach that to my DC esp DD2 who is very athletic.

But I often feel lesser because of all the things I can't do and struggle with. I feel stupid and incompetent most of the time which DH tries to understand but finds hard cos he can pretty much do anything.

I wish I could do better coping measures but what I need doesn't fit into what our family needs so I can't. Oh well.

A pp mentioned dyspraxia being confused with dyslexia and it reminded me of something another dyspraxic friend said. He said he thought that as far as most people were concerned dyspraxia is a boring disability so of course it doesn't get much attention.

Thanks for starting the thread, OP. It's nice to know other dyspraxic women are out there.

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Hi @ISaySteadyOn
It's so exciting to "meet" so many other dyspraxic women, isn't it? I know what you mean about feeling stupid and incompetent, it can be hard to feel intelligent when we struggle with things others find easy. Doesn't mean we aren't, though. I'm sure there are things that your DH isn't as good at too!
I think low self-esteem is often forgotten about as a result of dyspraxia. Especially if we have to spend time explaining how it "disables" us in order to get the right support, it's hard to remember that there are good aspects too, and that we aren't just a list of symptoms. I know I find it all too easy to slip into a negative cycle of "I'm useless" bc I can't do something due to dyspraxia, even when evidence in other areas would technically suggest otherwise, so I feel for you

[ISaySteadyOn]

It's my circumstances right now tbh. Our house needs a certain amount of DIY work and obviously, I can't do it.

I am actually good with languages but in my life as it is now, that skill is not terribly useful.

You're right about the low self esteem. DH loves me v much and he hates when I get down on myself but I can't help it when I can see all the things I mess up or can't help with.

[ikeairgin]

Hello everyone

I'm 50 soon and I found out about dyspraxia 5 years ago when my son got diagnosed in year 9 after a horrible two years at secondary with the full bingo card of lost PE kits, bullying, college and school detentions, college leader interventions (They kept saying - he's not deliberately doing this but he is late to lessons/missing homework and vrs other things) He was in bits and he got caught self -harming - I had been asking for some help from the SENCO - because at infants/juniors he'd had an IEP but the senior school thought I was telling porkies because they had no record of it.

To cut a long story short I accompanied him to his OT appointments and his Peads as Mum and found that they were asking about things that I also struggled with. I was that clumsy child that he became. We both struggle with elastic time that we can't seem to keep track of and with coordination.

We both ride bikes, but our bikes get broken, often. He's on his second tyre in 3 months, I have to buy a new cog for my gears as I've managed to bend the spikes on it (don't ask me how)

We find it great to share coping strategies and we do the housework together - somehow that helps us manage it.

My son is now in y13 having found his niche in music production.

My coping stratergies are :
I work part time - I cannot cope with full time as my organising abilities get worse as I get more stuff to do. It wasn't always thus - but as the menopausal mind fog decended (2 ish years ago) I found that I wasn't coping at all and something had to give

Lists and whatsapp groups and calender - everything is electronic and on my phone - I lose bits of paper. Eg we have a family whatsapp group for shopping and anything that we run out of goes on that - straight away so next time I'm in the supermarket as well as my basics list I check the whatsapp for stuff

Sensory stuff - I'm so much more aware of this and I avoid getting wound up so much which makes for a much calmer life. We love live music which is real overload - so I make sure that I have the day clear the next day to just potter and re-charge.

I'm finding these days with both kids not in school so much calmer and more organised - because the mental load has decreased.

When they were in infants and juniors I made graphic timetables by the front door of what was needed on which day - so pic of a PE kit for Monday and Book bag for Thursday ect and a weather / clothes chart - in the bedroom - shorts and t-shirt for the sun, trousers and jumpers for cold days. I thought at the time that this was for the kids... but it was so much for me , too

I also delegated a lot of the organising of themselves when they got into year 10/11 like doing their own washing and sorting out their own packed lunches, that was painful all round - however they are pretty much self sufficient now as young adults and so as neither seem to want to go to Uni I'm glad they have that self sufficiency.

Cooking , for me, is just practice, although my husband moans about me being a messy cook all the time. He has no idea what it would be like if I wasn't trying haha.

Anyway lovely to read everone's coping strategies, I may steal a few !!
I also have an official adult diagnosis of dyslexia.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

Lists and whatsapp groups and calender - everything is electronic and on my phone - I lose bits of paper. Eg we have a family whatsapp group for shopping and anything that we run out of goes on that - straight away so next time I'm in the supermarket as well as my basics list I check the whatsapp for stuff

We have an Alexa in the kichen- shopping list items go on there and DH does big month on-line shop from that and usual items.

Also reminders, cooking timers and alarms can go on there as well which helps a lot.

[BogRollBOGOF]

Ah yes, the messy cook... "just wash it up as you go". It's either hoplessly inefficient because I just washed up something that I forgot that I would need again, or it completely distracts me from the next stage of the actual cooking.

I'm a decent cook, but favour one pot type stuff that isflexible on timing and ingredients. I rarely cook time sensitive things like rosts.

We tend to eat late because a 15-20 minute meal like pasta and sauce seems to magically turn into 45 minutes for no particularly explicable reason.

[justilou1]

Omg... I feel like I have found my tribe. There isn’t anything I haven’t fallen out or off. I am an exceptional speller and yet if you ask me to write my name by hand, it is almost guaranteed I screw it up. I have recently been diagnosed with Ehler’s-Danlos (Hypermobilile) Syndrome - at 48 which is great now, but would have been better if I knew at school and wasn’t tortured by psychopathic PE teachers! (Also explains the fainting like a heroine from a Victorian novel in hot weather thing... Great as I live in a sub-tropical climate. Yay-not.) Yes, I’m a klutz.

[Minty82]

Oh this is fascinating. I realised several years ago when struggling to learn to drive that I probably am dyspraxic, but I’ve never investigated it and had sort of forgotten about it. But so much of this is ringing true.

It took me forever to learn to swim and ride a bike as a child. I can do both happily now, but it took ages for them to click.

I’ve given up on driving, having failed the test more times than I can count. I managed, through huge perseverance, to get to grips with the basic skill, but am constantly caught out by the need to make split second assessments of space and what other drivers are doing - and parking is a non-starter.

I constantly walk into furniture and door frames; can’t put a glass on a table without knocking it against my plate, and spill things all the time.

Still tie my shoelaces in a cheat way that I was taught as a child - never occurred to me this was part of it!

Have never been able to do any sport involving a ball/racquet/any form of hand/eye coordination.

Can’t draw to save my life - again, I never realised this could be part of the same package!

I have no sense of direction whatsoever, and can’t read maps.

However, I did well academically, find written words far more accessible than diagrams, love languages, love cooking (though the roast thing rang a bell - roasts and fry ups are DH’s department as the coordinated timings stress me out! Again, never connected that with possible dyspraxia) enjoy crowds of people, and don’t have any sensory issues. Hmm. Interesting!!

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

I love maps but do remember Mum spending a lot of time on shoelaces with me - kids still can't do my method and use DHs which I do think is easier than my more standard one.

However velcro shoes and elastic laces took pressure off our kids and latest one to be reliably competent with them was DS mid Y7. Though we re-used the elastic laces in his current school shoes - as they are in many respects better.

Though DD1 has never master bike riding - I think it was how the village kids I grew up in spent time so was probably more important to me - DS and DD2 have though DS not really keen.

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

I find it interesting how many people are saying they're good at spelling and/or languages. I'm really good at languages,and really enjoy them. (wasn't going to say that so arrogantly, but self esteem has been v low recently, so what the heck). I was also on the 98th percentile for spelling and vocabulary at my diagnostic assessment, which is something I cling to whenever I have to think about the things I'm 1st percentile for!
I wonder if it's a "thing", being good at languages as a dyspraxic? Or just coincidental?

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

I think my webby thought processes help with translation, as each word fires off a host of possible options in the other language, as well as a collection of connotations and ideas around it. That could be related to the dyspraxia perhaps

[BogRollBOGOF]

J'aime le français bien que mon prof de français etait un bâtard aussi grand que mon prof des sports
Ich spreche ein bischen Deutsche auch.

If it reaches my long term memory, it tends to stay for years. It's the short term memory. Things like hunting the house for my phone which I am already wearing in my running belt. Routine, mundane stuff just doesn't connect.

[BogRollBOGOF]

@bicyclesaredeathtraps

I think my webby thought processes help with translation, as each word fires off a host of possible options in the other language, as well as a collection of connotations and ideas around it. That could be related to the dyspraxia perhaps

What massively helped me with French was how connected a lot of the vocabulary is with more obscure English words, like ameliorer: to improve. I was already familiar with ameliorate so the link was already half there.

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Yep, I'm the same bogroll! I remember quotes from kids' books I last read 10+ years ago, and I hold a grudge like no one you've ever met (must work on this... in all fairness I also remember a kindness for years and years). But ask me what I did with the house keys when I came in, or what I had planned for tea, and I'm clueless

[bicyclesaredeathtraps]

Yes true about the cognates. I have a fairly large/ obscure English vocabulary too, which does definitely help, especially if I can make the sideways leap to them. When I started reading older French and Spanish (early modern) I also discovered that a lot of words used in both languages at one point in history have been retained in one or the other, which was fascinating and made life much easier

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Ooh interesting about spelling /language. I am very good at both, and so is DS who I also suspect is dyspraxic. I can read a spelling once and always get it right.

Still can't remember my left and right though!

And DH now notes all the random places I leave keys /phone etc around the house so he can find them for me (he is autistic so v understanding about fact I just can't help these annoying traits!)