Have any of you hated family life so much you've thought about leaving?

[millionaireshortie]

I know things might be more strained at the moment because of lockdown but I'm feeling at the end of my rope. I just don't enjoy family life at all. I don't enjoy anything we do with the kids - parks, national trust, slow walks, museums, zoos. I don't enjoy being in the house with them, breaking up arguments or feeling guilty if they're sitting on iPads or watching tv. I don't enjoy craft projects or homework or the endless cooking of meals and meal planning.

I'm desperate for some help here. I've tried anti depressants but they make me so tired that I can't do all of the above. I honestly don't know how to get through the next 6 weeks until school starts. I just don't know what to do anymore.

The things I enjoy - adult tv, podcasts, power walks, long baths, shopping, reading, diy projects, home improvements, I can't really do any of that. I feel like I can't enjoy my home at all whilst having kids. And I don't enjoy time out the home with them either. I love them so much so I don't know why I feel like this.

Has anyone else felt this way? What could be wrong with me? I guess I shouldn't have had kids but it's too late for that now. I don't know what the hell to do!

[lucindalovescats]

You aren't alone , I can't bear being with the kids when I'm stressed.
I honestly don't think you hate family life. Sounds like you are completely burnt out by it all. Think you need to prioritize some time out for yourself asap. Also lockdown is making everyones mental health fifty times worse. Please don't beat yourself up, you just need a break.

[Firenight]

I'm feeling really similar right now after 4 months of this grind. I'm putting in place a plan for regular time out alone for my sanity. Or the school hols will break me.

[ZaraCarmichaelshighheels]

A lot of people are saying you may be depressed, if it is depression, is it your current life that’s causing the depression or is the depression causing you not to like your current life? I think you need to work out which one it is. However it may not be depression at all, so many women are expected love motherhood but the reality of it may not live up to the hype.

[SteelyPanther]

I don’t think you’re giving the antidepressants long enough. After four weeks they’re only just starting to work, you would improve up to six months after starting. Maybe see the GP and look for ones with less side effects.

[Nackajory]

It gets better when you can leave them for an hour or so while you go for a walk, then a couple of hours while you go for a coffee with a friend. Late primary age, depending on how sensible they are and how they get along together. Perhaps go back to your gp, there are loads of antidepressants, none of which will make a huge difference in 4 weeks. Have patience, build in small things for yourself as your children grow.
To be honest I enjoy my life now I can have a bit of adult company without my friends having to bring their kids as well. I never minded my own but for some reason my friends kids irritate the life out of me. I wish that weren't the case but after years of beating myself up about it I finally stopped. Be kind to yourself.

[Somethingorotherorother]

Couple of things...

Do you work? Having a life outside the home makes all the difference to so many women.

Have you tried talking to your husband about any of this?

Also, 4 weeks isn't really long enough for antidepressants, you're giving up too soon. 6 weeks is more like it, if not 2 months.

If i were you, I'd get your husband to book a week of holiday and leave him and the kids to it while you go and have a break.

Or, last resort, if you're really miserable and think you shouldnt have had kids, just leave. Men do it all the time.

[Dozer]

When exhausted how about yoga, pilates, or Les Mills Body Balance / Combat? I enjoyed those when exhausted / low. First thing.

If you did something outdoors for an hour, alone, on both weekend days, home fitness just once or twice a week could make a difference MH wise. Did for me.

Lots of babysitters, nannies etc are likely to be looking for temp work. Or ad hoc activities for the DC, if there’re any on offer locally. A few hours in the week to do things you enioy.

My DC (upper end of primary now) can now bike, and that’s good as they can bike and I jog. Can even leave them home alone for short periods.

When doing dull domestics I put on headphones / podcasts.

[millionaireshortie]

@SteelyPanther - the first time I definitely gave it 2 months but the other times only 4 weeks. I know you're either but the insomnia was so bad I became too tired to look after the family bed that's depressing in itself. I literally couldn't function.

[millionaireshortie]

@SteelyPanther - the first time I definitely gave it 2 months but the other times only 4 weeks. I know you're either but the insomnia was so bad I became too tired to look after the family bed that's depressing in itself. I literally couldn't function.

[KatherineParr4]

I am long past the stage you’re at now but completely sympathise. If you are being left alone nearly all the time with young children no wonder you’re going off your head.
Do you have friends you can spend time with, friends who might take your kids for an afternoon so you can have some time off? You can reciprocate for them. Friends you can go for walks with or go on trips with your children. Doing things with some other adult helps so much.
Do you have outside interests? A hobby you can do , new people to meet? If not, think about starting something and getting a babysitter.
Could your kids go to a holiday club for a few hours a week?
You need a break. Tell your husband you need a break and get him to book time off work to look after the kids so you can go away. Be firm. I once went away for a week to a retreat and it saved my sanity. My husband was left for a week with three young children, but he did it.
It’s really really tough looking after young kids all day in your own. You sound really lonely and really exhausted. It’s time to look at how you can prioritise your own needs . If you are burnt out, you can’t be there for anyone else. You matter.
Sit down and tell your husband how you are feeling and ask for help. Something has to change.
As others have said, could you go back to work? Getting out of the house and seeing other adults might be a lifesaver.

[millionaireshortie]

@Dozer very practical ideas, thank you. I'll try the outdoors x 2 on my own at weekends and as many Pilates/low impact workouts as I can muster through the week and see where I'm at after a few weeks. It does seem like a really good idea.

[millionaireshortie]

@KatherineParr4 I can't work at the moment due to Covid. I had to stop working in March to look after the children and can't return until Sept.

Lots of ideas there, thank you.

I'm short of friends in the area :(

[madcatladyforever]

I'm not surprised with three kids, I struggled to have a life of my own with one and no husband.
I am not designed for family life at all. I hate all that stuff. It's boring, tedious, repetitive and a trained monkey would be better at it than me.
Make them do chores, don't be a martyr.

[MessAllOver]

Sorry if someone has already suggested this but can you afford to get a babysitter for a few hours during the week?

It honestly sounds like you need more time out than you're getting. Potentially more help also. Haven't read the whole thread but does your DH help with housework? Do you do all the cooking?

[StatementKnickers]

This sounds tough. Do you work outside the home? Would this be an option? Even if DH has to adjust his work and/or it costs you a lot in paid-for childcare, it would be worth it to save your sanity.

Also, if you're all in a massive rut and bored with where you live, can you move?

[Raimona]

As I recall, my own mother was never up my arse with all of these special activities that we’re supposed to do with kids nowadays. We never did crafts. I watched kids tv by myself and played in the corner while my parents watched adult tv. I was never taken to a playground or stately home or zoo. Dinner was whatever was in the fridge. I remember spending a lot of time playing in my room or in the garden with the neighbour kids, and I used to help my Dad with his DIY by painting the walls and measuring or handing him tools. I’m still a perfectly healthy and functional adult despite this “neglect”.

Imo nowadays we put too much pressure on ourselves to actively parent all the time. Kids are capable of playing on their own while you get on with something else. They can join in with whatever activities you enjoy. They can watch adult tv as long as it’s PG, or at least ignore the tv while you watch it. I’m not a “mumsy” mum and I don’t feel like I have to be.

[longtompot]

[quote millionaireshortie]@longtompot what do you wish you had done that you didn't do?

I just don't see how anybody enjoys the activities, bickering etc whether depressed or not. [/quote]
Just done more stuff with them. Gone out more. Had more energy. I had three under three and dh was working all the time so it was tough.
My friends seem to manage to do so much more.

[MessAllOver]

If they operate in your area, sites like sitters.co.uk are quite good for booking someone for a few hours.

[Lilybet1980]

How do you feel about your “normal” life? It sounds to me like you’re incredibly bored and exhausted, which isn’t surprising at all. But it (hopefully) won’t be like this forever.

[Dozer]

This is a hard time for you with your job, the DC, DH’s work hours. Understandable to be feeling low. Feeling low can involve feeling weird detachment/not enjoying stuff.

Counsellors don’t provide answers, but depending on the ‘model’ of therapy can help you identify tools to manage your thoughts / feelings and help you to find solutions to try for some of the issues. I’ve found it helpful at tough times, was fortunate to be able to play.

It’s fine not to enjoy certain family activities and aspects of parenting, eg the drudge domestic work, facilitating distance learning. Lots of us don’t! We can be decent, loving parents, not enjoy some things, seek breaks and time to do things we enjoy as individuals.

DC getting older is likely to help too, in time - this phase is unlikely to continue long term.

[Dozer]

Pay, not play

[MrsGatsby99]

It sounds really tough right now, op . It sounds like your cup is pretty drained. Well done for continuing for so long.

120 or so days of lockdown provides context here for why you are feeling the way you do, as well as the massive burden of depression so please try to cut yourself a bit of slack.

My DH is out of the house around 75 hours per week working and it is relentless but what helps is he has the DC in his sole care one afternoon every weekend. Could you insist on something like this? Then you know you will get a bit of a regular break.

Could family look after the DC at all to give you a bit of a change so you can focus on a hobby?

Any chance of getting somewhere new for a few days?

It's so hard when there is no holiday care available but if you try a bit of exercise, a bit of your own time, it might help.

[HoHoHolyCow]

I had PND when my eldest was a baby and was allergic to both types of antidepressants that the GP prescribed.

In the end I tried St John's Wort and found it really helpful. You need to be careful that it doesn't interfere with any contraception you are using, but it was a game-changer for me.

[BrieAndChilli]

I think lots of people are feeling the strain of having been with thier family for months on end with no break.

I’ve hit a wall this past week or so, it’s been a long slog of arguing with the kids over school work, if I mention a board game or a walk all I get is moaning. I feel like life is an endless cycle of cleaning, laundry, cooking and arguing with the kids/DH over something .
Nothings opened that o want to go to. DH has scouts and climbing which is can go off and do stuff for and get time out the house away from us. I don’t have anything like that and by the time school work is done and stuff it’s time to think about cooking tea etc.

Apart from driving to the supermarket I haven’t had a single moment completely by myself since March! It’s really affecting me at the moment. I feel on edge all the time and there’s just constant noise around the house.

[millionaireshortie]

@MessAllOver to be fair he now does a lot on the weekend. Hasn't always been that way but he has pulled his weight throughout Covid out of sheer guilt that his life has carried on as normal whilst mine has grounded to a halt.

I need to look into a babysitter. We've never had one so I'm pretty clueless about all that.