Have any of you hated family life so much you've thought about leaving?

[millionaireshortie]

I know things might be more strained at the moment because of lockdown but I'm feeling at the end of my rope. I just don't enjoy family life at all. I don't enjoy anything we do with the kids - parks, national trust, slow walks, museums, zoos. I don't enjoy being in the house with them, breaking up arguments or feeling guilty if they're sitting on iPads or watching tv. I don't enjoy craft projects or homework or the endless cooking of meals and meal planning.

I'm desperate for some help here. I've tried anti depressants but they make me so tired that I can't do all of the above. I honestly don't know how to get through the next 6 weeks until school starts. I just don't know what to do anymore.

The things I enjoy - adult tv, podcasts, power walks, long baths, shopping, reading, diy projects, home improvements, I can't really do any of that. I feel like I can't enjoy my home at all whilst having kids. And I don't enjoy time out the home with them either. I love them so much so I don't know why I feel like this.

Has anyone else felt this way? What could be wrong with me? I guess I shouldn't have had kids but it's too late for that now. I don't know what the hell to do!

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

I'd recommend getting in touch with your local Home Start team @millionaireshortie
You can self refer for all sorts of reasons and the support can be in a variety of ways. It could be just someone to talk to or your volunteer could look after the kids while you have that long bath, go for a run (once you got to know them) . I've volunteered with them for some time now and it's been more as a supportive friend than anything. I know we're starting to take on new families so please get in touch.
By the way I agree with whoever said lower your standards and expectations, let the kids watch telly once in a while while you read a book or just zone out /daydream!

[Orangeblossom78]

Sometimes when mine were younger, I'd alternate a day out (or middle of day out, just with a picnic to the park) and a day at home where they could watch TV or whatever while I did stuff like housework but radio on or a bit of stuff to myself. It's really hard though. It's only got easier here now they are older and can go out myself for a bit. But even then i get the guilt sometimes.

Having lower expectations might help a bit. With all the crafts and stuff I mean. It can be good for them to get bored and have to learn to amuse themselves.

[millionaireshortie]

@GracieLane so perfectly put. So spot on.

It isn't supposed to be like this.

[millionaireshortie]

@coldwarenigma god you are so spot on about advertising. And I spend a small fortune just trying to get through each week - like you say, craft supplies, baking, magazines, Lego, kinder eggs. So sick of it.

This has been the most supportive thread on Mumsnet for me ever so thank you all for that. I have so many replies I can't reply to all. Currently curled under the duvet with my youngest with the tv on whilst I despair. Time to get up again soon to get the tea on the table.

It's all feeling completely grim.

I need to work through all the suggestions. The exercise I said I was going to try this week hasn't happened. I can't get my shit together at all.

Finding it impossible to fill 12-14 hours a day. Today we did 2 different parks and a trip to Pets at Home (we don't even have a pet)...clutching at straws.

I can't find any suitable local holiday care but will keep looking.

[LadyGAgain]

There are holiday clubs round where I live OP. Have you checked? Mine are going in 2 days a week even on the weeks I have annual leave as I need a break. They have been home since March and we are WFH full time. I am utterly frazzled and I'd love to just simply be alone. I find myself withdrawing daily and having to make a real effort not to. It's not their fault and I love them dearly but I've had enough. We all need a break from each other!

Your DH - he must take some leave and give you a break. Can he also do less than 60 hours a week. Or, agree on certain days that he either WFH or starts later/finishes earlier. Does he not see what's going on? Have you spoken to him about it?

[gamerchick]

Maybe it's time husband stuck some annual leave in OP.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

I too applaud @GracieLane - sadly society doesn’t give a shit. We are still expected to pour from an empty cup and when we have nothing left we’re tossed to one side.

[FourPlasticRings]

Prioritise sleep. If you're tired, life seems so much harder. I know it's tough- I've been staying up until half 10/11 or later in an attempt to get time to myself but make sure you're getting your eight hours and sacrifice the quantity awake time for the quality of it.

[Pianostrings]

It sounds so like you regularly need time to yourself, to bring a bit of joy back into your life. I do think the pandemic has left many feeling like this and I know it isn't easy to carve out space for yourself but it needs to happen if at all possible. You matter too and if having more time to yourself makes you feel happier then that will impact your children too. What would you do if you had a day completely to yourself once a week ir once every couple of weeks? Could you sit down and think of what would give you joy if you could do anything with that time? Start with a bit of fantasy and work back from there. Even more regular long baths where you can listen to some nice music and know you won't be interrupted would work wonders I'm sure.

[coldwarenigma]

You have my sympathies OP. Unfortunately this is a society taboo. Admit that you hate parenting it is akin to hating bunnies, kittens and puppies. GracieLane has it nicely put.

I hated the early years and would not go back to that for all the tea in China.

I came to the conclusion that the image of happy families was just that an image to bolster sales. Unhappy people who feel they made a huge mistake try to compensate by spending money. on sodding craft/baking

I used to have long day dreams about how I could escape. Where could I go that I could start a new life. If I had not been so broke that a bus to the next town was unrealistic I would have gone.
2 of my DC had more sense than their parents and don't have DC.

If funds allow then do something for yourself. Plan it and go off and do it! Create a wish list then do one at a time.

[Notsurewhatsgoingon]

@GracieLane is spot on. I also applaude her.

Even in normal non lock down times there is no village anymore.
I remember as a child we were never entertained or played with by our mum, we went out with neighbours kids from a very young age and were kept an eye on by the community. My mum spent time watching adult TV or doing other things she enjoyed. We had an 'auntie' who had kids our ages and we were sent up there to play together while the adults had tea and chatted, this was almost everyday. When mums worked the 'aunties' or other women in the community shared the childcare.

Even if you do have mum friends to meet up with its not the same these days.

Childcare is payed for and it's not the same, it's in working hours only, then you are straight from a stressful day at work into child rearing, baths, feeding, clubs etc etc.. Its relentless.

We are expected to play with our kids above what any generation before us were. Partly because of the lack of being able to play out and because its down to individual parents as the community has gone and partly because expectations have changed.

Its no wonder parents (mostly mums) are experiencing poor mental health.

Sorry op I don't have any answers.

One thing I am going to do is stop feeling the need to play with and entertain my kids. They are constantly following me around asking me to do this, that and the other. I feel like I have to be 'on' 24/7 and I don't enjoy play. It might be tough at first but it will be worth it. I can then do something for me while they go play and entertain themselves.

[KatherineParr4]

@GracieLane

Totally agree.

[TooManyPlatesInMotion]

I can also relate to this. Very much so.

I love my children to bits but it is so bloody tedious at the moment. I have moments where a fantasize about my "old" life. I spent a great deal of time feeling guilty about not enjoying family life more. However, I do think much of this is down to lockdown and when we are all spending a bit more time apart it will be easier for everyone.

Mine are 9, 3 and 1. I find my 9 year old DS particularly hard right now.

[megletthesecond]

Also applauds @GracieLane .

[BillBaileysBum]

[GracieLane]

And even the limited social things we normally have (toddler groups, park trips, soft play, library activities, activities, swimming etc.) have gone because of lockdown.

[GracieLane]

I hate how it's always got to be PND hormones depression etc. Anybody would be depressed working a job 365 days a year 24 hours a day, with no breaks and no sick leave, regardless of how much they thought they would love the job. And then if you say your not enjoying it your put on meds as though there is a pill that can fix it? A village used to raise kids. They used to play out with each other and their was more community etc. Being stuck in 24:7 staring at the same four walls with kids screaming? Yeah, that's not depression it's observation. This is shit. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be this hard. And it really shouldn't, instead of medical solutions we should be coming up with social ones. If so many women have PND then it is not a mental health crisis it is a societal one.

[ladybirdsarelovely33]

Have sent you a PM op

[Misslees]

Do you have a friend who could either keep you company sometimes - like coming over for a coffee and a chat while kids play? Or a friend who could watch kids while you do the odd activity? Sounds like you are starved of adult company?

[KoalasandRabbit]

Another option - just a temp help and will depend on covid risk - do you have relatives who the kids could go to for a holiday? Would give you a break, and often grandparents love having kids and kids enjoy being spolit by grandparents.

[BillBaileysBum]

Take up running. Get out super early or super late or ask your DH to try and come home an hour early twice a week. It doesn’t matter how long or fast you go; just get out and wear yourself out a bit. Tell your DH how desperate you’re feeling.

There are holiday clubs running over the summer, you’ve got to search but they are out there. I’d say it’s worth the expense for a day or two.

And in answer to your question.... yes. I have felt like this. I cried in bed last night because I felt so trapped and over it all. I think you need an emergency plan to get you through to September, and then another, longer term plan to rediscover yourself a bit.

[GettingUntrapped]

I'm not sure it's just lockdown that causes this feeling of hating family life.
Why would anyone like not having space to develop themselves as a person - a very strong instinct that is hardwired into all of us?
Add to that demanding little people who don't really see you as a person, and let's face it, it's very one-sided. You give, they take.
On top of that, society polices mothers so you can't even speak freely about it.
It's incredibly boring to boot with children and adults having completely different perspectives on life, so they aren't good company for us. The opposite in fact as they drain us.
No wonder you want to run away.

[BighouseLittlemouse]

Single parent to two primary kids here, eldest is also difficult as has SEND.

I know exactly how you feel. I love my children so much but increasingly feel like I don’t actively engage with them enough. I do that thing of every day promising myself I will do better but somehow never do. Lock down feels a bit like it’s been the final straw.

I do agree with maybe trying to find a kids activity for them for a week? I think the mistake I made is feeling like I shouldn’t sign them up to stuff/leave them with anyone ( difficult with eldest) whereas actually I would probably be more present if I did as would get a break. I do agree with a DP you need to schedule some time in for yourself every day if necessary. Even to go for a walk in the evening. I know that probably then also feels exhausting as a prospect but might help.

[KoalasandRabbit]

I've never felt like this so may not be much help but to me it sounds like what you need is breaks.

One thing I did when kids were primary age was David Lloyd, which is pricey, but if you can afford it that gave the kids lots of kids clubs (up to 3 hours per night though hour at a time) and you can go swimming, go to spa, go to cafe, chat with friends, read a book though have to be back within the hour other than the odd club. Mine loved it and we also did swimming together and lots of the primary Mums met up their with the kids, kids played or went to kids clubs and Mums and kids chatted. It was about £200 a month, varies by area and what can negiotate so not the cheap option but if you use it a lot its well worth it. It also meant I got fit by swimming a lot. I wish we still went but no budget for it now. As kids get older they entertain themselves more so its not forever.

[Caspianberg]

If your children are primary school age, then I assume they are old enough to entertain themselves a bit whilst your at home.

Try taking some time to do something for you whilst they are around still. You can go places or do stuff with them also, then do something for you. Ie on a hot day, can you help set up paddling pool or garden bits with them, then semi leave them to it whilst you listen to podcast in the garden and just keep a vague eye on them. Tell them not to disturb you for 1 hour unless injured or ill!