11 year old giving up dancing / extra curricular activities

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd loves sport and dance and used to do a lot of extra curricular activities for years. I started taking her to activities when dd suddenly got almost friendless age 5, almost 6 at school rather than because I was being pushy mum. This got her busy thus not worrying about school friends and broadened here horizons. She loved the social aspect. She doesn’t like doing anything by herself and this was absolutely the right choice at the time as she now has loads of friends.

Over the past year she has slowly picked off activities until she is currently left with horse riding and dancing - the two expensive ones. Now she’s saying she wants to give up dance.

I’m disabled, chronically ill and still recovering from two major / big surgeries. One last year. One this year.

I’m beside myself upset at her wanting to quit dancing. She’s very intense and wants to spend all her time with me when home. The summer holidays was one big sleepover and feed fest at our house. She likes doing things here as she’s an only child, she has lots of things to amuse her friends etc. I otoh need me time and time to heal.

She’s been in tears. I’m in tears. What do parents do in this situation?

She’s constantly tapping her feet so I know she loves dancing but she’s saying the teachers are too strict.

Can you swap her dance school ? What type of dance does she do ?

My ds is 11 and also losing interest in his extra curricular activities. I'm constantly trying to get him to get interested again. Maybe it's an age thing...I think they get lazy

Wendz
She swapped a couple of years ago to this one as she said the other one was too lax, some kids weren’t in time, they just messed around too much. She wanted to progress better. So she changed to a school renowned for good teaching rather than the local village one. She doesn’t want to go to yet another school - one for more fun but where she’d know some kids.

Formerbabe

Yes it is probably a lazy / age thing. I told dd I would take her to the stables when she’s old enough and leave her on Saturdays but she has to be 13 for that.

Ballet
Tap
Modern

I have let both my children drop clubs as they grew and developed their own interests. My son did martial arts from 5 to around 11, but continued to play a different sport.
My daughter quit the sport DS still plays but continued with dance.
If you think about how many hobbies continue into adulthood compared with how many children do it is clear that there comes a time interest is lost. I think it is quite common for that time to be starting secondary school and discovering new things.

My DD dropped things at 11, she was finding school and friends a lot at that time, not unhappy but all the changes, internal and external, in her life were just emotionally, socially, mentally a lot a think.

She gave up her main sport which DH and I agonised over letting her do, but we were having to force her to go where for the previous five years she was desperate to go, and it was 3 times per week, once a week involving significant travel, and she's not an only, so we were doing a lot of juggling and dragging smaller children around for something that she didn't even want to do.

Once we let her drop it she was happy for a year, but then started to wish she wasn't so sedentary - she noticed she was struggling in some PE lessons and never had before - and in her words she missed having "a thing" - a hobby as a shorthand identity/ tribe/ answer to superficial pre teen getting to know you questions. She tried a couple of other things, but they didn't really work out for various reasons.

So about 18 months after stopping she went back, and has been back a while now is now more into her sport than ever, even talking about coaching younger girls.

So in our case letting her stop was the right decision, but it's somewhat high risk - fitness and social group/ mental health wise I think.

Has she perhaps actually fallen out with someone at dance, or is she finding life in general, with puberty/ friends/ new school full on atm without fitting hobbies in?

The reason isn't always exactly the one they articulate...

Perhaps say she should think it through and can stop at Christmas if she's still sure?

Maybe she wants to be at home with you because she’s worried, given all the health complications you’ve had. I appreciate that’s not easier for you, but it sounds like she wants to be close because she’s worried about you.

Plus this is the age where kids tend to want to whittle down their extra curricular activities.

I think you need to let her be 11&figure it our her way with what she is&isnt into! My DC have dropped most childhood things,like i did too when i was early teens.You basically want YOU time ie,need her out of the house.I get it,im also a single parent-but id be explaining your needs vs hers(as ive had to do)in a way that makes sense &that being completely alone raising kids with no family around means you need to structure in alone time for everyone so you dont go mental!!..My favourite weekend alone stuff includes:bingewatching tv shows,gym&sauna,early walj aling beach&coffee by myself or just a crazy-long bath watching youtube vids/music..

Edna
she missed having a thing... identify / tribe

This is exactly what I think may happen with dd. But if dd goes back to the school in 18 months all of her friends will have gone up a grade. So I’m concerned it will be difficult to go back.

After about 2 weeks of being a grade higher she stopped saying she enjoyed it when I asked. I don’t think waiting til Xmas will work. That then locks her into the dance show.

She hasn’t fallen out with anyone. The teachers are being stricter because it’s a higher grade now so a step up in intensity and seriousness.

Another
I’m not concerned with her keeping it up as and adult. Rather regretting leaving and then not being able to find a way back.

I’ve told her if she wants to quit she should come to the office and tell the guy at the school - I need to go and pay! Fees due today.

I think it's understandable she wants time with you if you've had major surgeries over the past couple of years. Mine are younger but have had the same reaction.

DH and I are of the opinion that they have to do one type of sport a week, so they can give up a sport but it has to be replaced by another. My only other requirement is that when they are old enough, they will attend a self defence course.

At the moment I have the final say as I have to ferry everywhere. But your DD is presumably able to get herself to activities now?

Soxon
I agree yes that’s part of why she likes being with me. She was so intense at 5 I got a child psychologist involved as she stopped developing emotionally when she started school as she realised how ill I am.

Cheese
I’m not a single parent actually. But dh has his hobbies, has to do a lot of stuff I can’t do etc. I know what ur saying.

I need to find me again. I feel like I’m constantly doing for others when I’m well enough. Then theres not enough energy for me. I don’t have a life.

My life consists of going to appointments for physio / treatments and running around after dd, walking the dog she pestered me to have.

She won’t walk anywhere by herself atm. Too scared. So I’m also big time mummy taxi. I even am taking her / picking up from the school bus. She hasn’t slept in her own bed for years.

And I don’t mind. If I can just have my fucking Saturday!

But yes. I know. Talk about what I need. Thanks for all the replies.

Hystery
Cross post. But I’ve answered most of your points. One activity that can be replaced. Ok. Thanks for that tip.

Over the past year she has slowly picked off activities until she is currently left with horse riding and dancing

Maybe she's been feeling over-scheduled, if she was doing loads of activities a week on top of the horse riding and dancing? Children need down time as much as we do and she might be tired of always being out doing something. Let her take the break from dancing if she's really not enjoying it.

Ah, just seen your update about her not even sleeping in her own bed. Sounds more serious than just wanting to give up activities.

Mummyoflittledragon have you talked about how sure she needs to be because going back to the group her friends are in won't be possible?

It does sound a lot of pressure if she's got other things on her mind (and she'll still have the normal 11 year old stuff whirring around her head as well as your health) - the grades and shows and keeping up with her friends.

If the keep going until Christmas whilst seriously considering whether you really want to stop, then stop at Christmas if you haven't changed your mind idea is unworkable then I agree with the poster suggesting that she can stop but has to replace it with trying a term of something else - it could be something quite low key and uncompetitive like yoga or Zumba - that won't give you your Saturdays but will mean she at least keeps hobby and fitness options open. Presumably the horse riding is one lesson, once per week, so not particularly all consuming?

I understand both sides here.

My experience was that at 11yo both my dds started paring down what they did. There was a bit of concern from them about homework at secondary (although it wasn't an issue when it came to it) and a little bit of feeling activities they'd done since 5yo being babyish.

For ballet, 11yo was the point that it started becoming a bit unpleasant at ballet. I think part of it was the teacher changed (as in her personality changed not a new one) but the classes started becoming very much in and them looking down on the non-in group.

At the same time, for one of my dc the not wanting to do activities (I'm battling with it at the moment) is that she has discovered that what she really wants to do is sit around and watch rubbish on youtube and any moment not doing that (including homework) is wasted. And I'm not happy with that, so my compromise has been, yes she can give them up, but her computer use is going to be restricted right down. She thinks she'll get round me. She won't. I suspect she's suddenly going to find she did enjoy the activities after all!

What I generally do if they ask to give up something that've done for some while is ask them to do one last term, but I can see that you can't do that.
Could you find a less competitive school perhaps? One that's doing dance for fun, rather than exams etc. Perhaps a street dance one?

What I did with ds when he gave up everything (he was very ill for a term, then didn't want to return to any of it) was I told him he had to choose one thing to do. I gave him the choice of several. he chose drama. he told me bluntly that it was entirely because it was only an hour and the closest so it would be the shortest.
He did a term and a half of not really wanting to go, but refusing to pick something else. Then he bounced out one day and asked to do a second class. He's now there 5 hours a week and would love to do more.

It is difficult. I was upset when dd2 stopped doing ballet. Six months previously she'd been talking about when she was grown up would she be able to still find a class she could do because she loved it so much. Then the attitude of the teacher and some girls in her class changed it. In fact of the girls I know of that stopped that school 8 (and it wasn't a large school) cited this particular child as a main issue.
Dd2 did briefly do dance at another school, but it was Friday evenings and she really was tired and struggling with anxiety by that point, and it only lasted a couple of years, although she loved it while she did it.

Mine choose their own activists and are free to swap or drop whenever they like. It’s their life, not mine. I see children being forced into activities as it’s their parents desire or suits them re childcare and the children have no choice which is very wrong I feel.

She’s at an age of high school, her interests etc will change as she’s growing up.

DD had a wobble about her dancing at a similar age. For us the key was finding a dance school which was about fun and the show at the end of term and not grades and exams. The whole reason she started dancing at first was to have fun, to meet new people, to develop confidence.

She is not going to be a professional dancer and exams are completely irrelevant and pressure she doesn't need. I really don't understand why so many dance schools are pushing little children into formal gradings. Then parents dealing with the fallout when one gets distinction and her friend only gets highly commended.

Also OP I totally get that you need your space too!

Bookworm yes, agreed. Dd stopped sleeping in her bed at 6.

I’ve now told her no more sleeping in my bed. She needs to give me space in other ways. I’m grumpy apparently.

Dh and I have also told her she needs to stay in her bedroom today for the duration of dancing - apart from eating. She’s FaceTiming friends and going to a party later. So not in prison - just giving me a break.

As for feeling over scheduled. She did, which is why she dropped the other activities around the beginning of yr6. I think dd feels generally over scheduled at the beginning of the school year. She did have a little wobble with dancing too a year ago.

The ballet teacher has become very strict. The way she spoke to dd in a lesson just over a week left her very upset and confused - she was trying to get dd to wrk harder but went about it all the wrong way. I did address it with the owner and thought it was sorted. Dd said talking to the owner made her feel worse and now she knows he’s horrible as well. It is true he did try to smooth it over, which is his job and he was very warm to dd. So I’m confused as well. And this hasn’t come from nowhere.

Riding is a 20 min drive away, late in the evening, one hour a week and freezing in the winter. You stand and watch or go and find a chair. Not a break all.

As for other activities, dd wants to go to gymnastics with some friends. But the waiting list is going to be long I imagine. And it’s on a school night, is only an hour etc. So again, not a break, just something to “get through”.

She seems to think every week will be about going to the park and hanging out with other kids. It won’t be. The summer is nearly over. 😩

Oh and I’m under no illusion that she’s going to be a prof dancer. She won’t be. That’s fine.

So is there another class she can go to which is more "fun" and less "exam"?

Otra
A different school. Definitely more about fun and less about precision, which is what led me to dds current school in the first place.

The teacher is lovely. Local but has a better reputation than the one in my village and a lot of children have moved either there or to dds school in town.

Dd did a one hour musical theatre class with a friend there for a few months until the summer and enjoyed it. She doesn’t want to go back there either. Her friend quit as the day was changed and she has another activity. Her friends sister does the Saturday and they get on well. But dd doesn’t want to go to that either.

Is she about to start secondary school? If so, I would let her find her feet there before worrying too much. She .ay find extra curricular activities there to try with new friends.

Also I think ballet does become harder and more serious. DD dropped it at the end of y9 having done it since she was 2. She still carried o with tap and modern, has since started jazz and is about to start street. Let her drop the ballet and continue with the other?

My 11 yo DD has stopped all her activities too. As per Witchend, I've gone along with it but said Youtube/internet time will be limited.

My DD says it's to do with starting secondary school - she's a bit anxious and wants to concentrate on that for a term. She hasn't ruled out starting new activities, just that she'd like a break for now. But it's taken almost the whole of the school holidays with gentle chats to get to that point, before she just said she wanted to stop (gymnastics and cheer) and couldn't articulate why. I'm hoping she'll find something at school to do, or make a friend that does a Saturday activity she wants to join.

Is your DD also changing schools? Could there be nervousness around that?