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Original poster

How to tell overly friendly neighbour to stop bringing over food and baked goods?

52 replies

24hourM0MMY · 26/08/2015 21:17

As the subject line states, I I have a neighbour that is starting to freak me out a bit. We've been neighbours for just over a year with a normal casual relationship (hellos and chats in passing, few exchanges in lawn care tips etc). They are a retired couple. We are a family of 3 with 4 year old and dc2 on the way. A few weeks ago, my neighbour (the wife) brought over a plate of cookies. I was touched and very grateful, and assumed it was because she'd seen me waddling around after my 4 year old. A few days later she brought round a small bowl of jam she'd made. Since then, her gifts have increased in frequency to DAILY. Once she knocked on the door twice in one day, once with a plate of roasted whole beetroot and then again with an entire cake. I appreciate her generosity, if it is just that, but I want her to stop. I don't know how to turn her down without bring rude. All her children are older, gone, married or whatever. Could she just be wanting to look after someone? Lonely? (In which case, I really can't be her new BFF). Help!!

OP posts:
Scoobydoo8 · 27/08/2015 07:55

Perhaps it is a tradition where she comes from, when someone is pregnant others help out. I would keep telling her its too much but thanks anyway.

If she doesn't speak English then she is unlikely to want you for a friend.

Hopefully it will stop once baby is here.

AgentProvocateur · 27/08/2015 08:04

Just accept it with good grace and stop overthinking it. She's doing a nice thing - it's no skin off your nose to accept her food with a smile, and reciprocate from time to time. Smile

Pipbin · 27/08/2015 08:18

If her husband speaks English then could you write a carefully worded thank you note for her.

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suzannefollowmyvan · 27/08/2015 09:42

no skin off your nose

Each to their own but I find it intrusive when people try to inveigle me into exchanging baked goods with them

Appreciate she is from another culture but in that case I'd say that the onus is on her to align herself with the cultural norms here, rather than try to impose the customs of her culture of origin

daisydalrymple · 27/08/2015 09:46

Nice bunch of flowers, (but under a tenner!) and as pipbin says carefully worded thank you note. Very kind of her etc. but it's too much as your family and friends are kindly looking after you and you have too much stuff.

If possible leave on doorstep so you don't get called in Smile

Jo4040 · 27/08/2015 13:41

Hmmmm Suzanne I can see your point actually...but nothing wrong with bringing abit of kindness into someother culture which perhaps lacks this. I can see everyones points. It really is one of them tricky situations
The carefully written card is a good suggestion.

Had she been today?! I'm hungry and not got much in till I go shopping tbh ....

Original poster
24hourM0MMY · 27/08/2015 13:48

No, not been over yet today

OP posts:
bogspavin · 27/08/2015 14:00

oh don't write a card - that's awful. Better to explain to her face (if you can) that you really appreciate all the presents but simply that it is getting too much/she is too generous.

Could you find out what language she speaks and try and find out the vocab you need?

Or suggest you meet just once a week for a quick coffee so that you are controlling/limiting the timings a bit more (I know I know this is probably the last thing you want to do)

My guess it is a cultural thing and she is being very kind. Agree about the food etiquette point.

can't believe people are insinuating that she is just doing this because there is something in it for her? And if she is feeling socially isolated then how on earth does she get to meet people if they have this sort of attitude? It's Sad that people see kindness as some sort of threat nowadays.

op - completely understand that daily is getting a bit over the top and a bit intrusive and hope you can come to some sort of face-to-face understanding with her

Jo4040 · 27/08/2015 14:30

Ooops....wonder why shes not been round...hope she's not on mumsnet...reading this thread. She would have a good case for a new thread of her own.

'AIBU To take food round to help out a heavily pregnant naibour?'

Goshthatsspicy · 27/08/2015 15:28

Maybe it will stop when you've had the baby?
If it were me, that's what l'd be waiting on.
Do you eat any of it?

hackedoffnow · 27/08/2015 15:34

I would love baked beetroots! My neighbour is worse she drops boxes of old colouring books, and broken toys etc like we're the Railway Children. She gave me a half-knawed guinea pig tube the other day.

Diggum · 27/08/2015 15:35

Can you say what her ethnic background is? Maybe someone on here who's familiar with the cultural norms can let you know if this is just a pregnancy related thing that'll ease off once Dc2 arrives!

JeffsanArsehole · 27/08/2015 15:39

Oh god I wish one of the Bangladeshi old ladies would adopt me Envy

The smells coming out of one street I walk past make me salivate like crazy

And a whole cake! I'm so envious!

chelseabuns2013 · 27/08/2015 16:33

You've seen Rosemary's Baby right!!!

Seriously though if you don't like the attention do what us Brits do best passive aggressive denial. Ignore her when she brings stuff over, make loud comments in front of the husband, don't accept the food, walk (waddle) in other direction.

chelseabuns2013 · 27/08/2015 16:36

I'm with jeffsanArsehole though and would love free curry/cakes/any old food delivered to my door.GrinCakeBlushGrin

Aked · 27/08/2015 18:06

I think she sounds lovely. tell her to bring it all to my house.

SerafinaScoresby · 27/08/2015 21:56

She's clearly trying to be nice and helpful but I'd find this dead intrusive tbh. I think the best way to go is to say you can't eat it all. She can't be offended that your appetite is off, you're pregnant!

BananaThePoet · 28/08/2015 19:59

We used to live in Greece and this happened all the time. It is part of the culture and nobody expected reciprocation. They were so happy to introduce us to their cooking and frankly I don't think they wanted to try English/British food anyway! LOLS In many cultures certain types of food signify times of the year and luck and occasions. Why not just accept it and find someone you know who'll be happy to have it? Maybe with things like cookies and cakes you could take them to the local food bank? She sounds lovely, how long has she been living in the UK? Maybe she'd like to learn English. You never know she might be a brilliant babysitter and you might be glad of her in the future?

Toffeewhirl · 28/08/2015 20:15

I used to have a neighbour from Iraq and she was always bringing me food after my older son was born. I found it odd at first, but she was lovely and the food tasted delicious. She would have been very offended it I'd asked her not to bring it round. It was incredibly generous of her as she didn't have a lot of money, but still made enough to feed visitors and neighbours. It sounds as if this is normal for your neighbour's culture and she would be hurt if you ask her to stop. It's funny that in our culture we find this intrusive.

Frostycake · 19/11/2015 12:29

Oh God, this sounds like my neighbours.

They are relatively new to the area but are constantly popping round with things (food) which I don't want.

The thing is, I don't know them, haven't seen their set up (could be knee-deep in shit). They have several cats too which could be a problem.

When another cake appears my heart sinks. Terrible of me I know but I feel like they're forcing themselves and their cakes on me.

Cake
KiwiJude · 16/12/2015 04:44

I can say this because I'm not the one with a neighbour knocking on my door offering me yummy home cooked food every day, but it sounds like she's just reaching out in the only way she can given she doesn't speak much English. I wish she lived next door to me.

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 05:17

I can understand you not wanting to be too friendly with her. Life is too short to spend free time on people just to be polite. I have a teenage girl who comes round to "play" with the little ones, her mum said she is so shy so she has no friends. I feel sorry For her but i cannot take it another day. She is absolutely silent, from the minute I open the door to her. She stays for hours and then gets up and walks out without a word. It's really unnerving. I've been so stressed about it because its been going since I had the 3rd baby almost 2 years ago. She is homeschooled or tutored at home so I've seen her more than my husband. I know it sounds cruel but I've put up with it now for long enough hoping she would come out of her shell, but its actually starting to make me feel really I comfortable. She acts as though she is in detention, sits there looking really miserable, but her mum has thanked me and says she adores it at my house. I am putting a stop to it from the day my husband finishes work for the Christmas break. Good luck to you too. Maybe suggest a WI group or baking for the local school ?

Playnicelyforfiveminutes · 16/12/2015 05:28

I Think she may be autistic actually. (My neighbour, not yours) she is certainly not 100% "normal" (?)
Its a shame because i hate being alone, and unlike you I'd usually like to have by privacy invaded (especially if it included snacks:) but the silence really unnerves me, I feel like i am constantly waiting for get to leave. Sorry for high jacking your thread with a huge complaining post! I also have a lovely older than me neighbour who is forever buying me things, loads of lovely luxury presents, just because she says she feels sorry for us not having any family of our own and she likes treating people. Last week she got me a whole case of soap and glory products! I bake things for her though!

DefinitelyNotAJourno · 27/05/2016 06:36

So what happened in the end?

PrincessPlod · 27/05/2016 17:24

I think I would like an older neighbour who was a feeder, I know Dh would love it. Cakes every day would be his dream. It is a cultural thing and I think you just need to be honest about your feelings.

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