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Original poster

Quick advise neeeded. Found a FB conversation I wish I hadnt.

44 replies

Portofino · 13/09/2011 19:27

DH is just taking dd to bed. It is eating me up a bit so I HAVE to say something tonight. Basically - I think this a very old gf. She is married and lives 100 s of miles away so I doubt anything has happened ever. But he says he cant stop thinking about her. She says she thinks of him as friends only, but feels bad that she ever put temptation in his way. Now they are apparently in a good place.

I dont know what to make of this. I posted a while ago that he posted I love my wife, there I said it (sorry have Azerty keyboard and cant find inverted commas) I have to pull him on this? I wasn;t snooping - I opened Facebook and clicked on messages, not realising the account was his - we have many joint friends....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:10

Only temporarily I hope, porto

Don't blame yourself though, blame him.

He shouldn't have been having those kinds of conversations in the first place, or been happy to tell you about them at the time.

These things always find a way to bite you on the arse.

Anyway, lesson learned hopefully (for him)

Original poster

Portofino · 13/09/2011 22:23

He "says" it was "those Good Old Days" kind of chat. He said that he didn't mean it to be a secret specifically. Hmmm

But still, after reading many, many experiences on here of dps who are up to no good on FB etc, the way he behaved when I brought the subject up reassurred me a lot. No denials, no defensiveness, no accusations of "how dare you look" He said he couldn't remember exactly what he said, but he was quite happy for us to go and look at it together.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:26

That is reassuring, porto

Good old MN, eh ?

it has it's uses

Original poster

Portofino · 13/09/2011 22:29

On the downside, it has made me much more suspicious though

OP posts:

AitchTwoOh · 13/09/2011 22:30

i really disagree that he shouldn't have had this chat. he's an adult, and in having a nostalgia-fest with an old pal/gf he didn't do a thing wrong. 'course, if he was smarter he'd have told porto all about it, but that's all.

Original poster

Portofino · 13/09/2011 22:32

And I have been with DH for 10 years, and known him for 20, but at 54 he managed to squeeze quite a lot of "past" before I was out of my teens....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:33

Aitch, would you be happy for your DH/DP to be telling another woman he "can't stop thinking about her?"

AitchTwoOh · 13/09/2011 22:37

did he actually say that, though? porto seems to have backed off from that a bit, if so.

but yes, tbh, yes. if my dh was thinking a lot about someone in his past then i'd rather he told me about it (as quite the interested party) than kept it a secret, absolutely.

woudl i be thrilled? nope. would it make me think we had to up our game? yes. but would it sound alarm bells that he was having an affair? not for me. what porto's dh explained would be much the more likely situation for us.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:43

I don't know if he actually said that

porto's OP said he did, however

Which is why she did the right thing to confront him and get an explanation she is satisfied with

I don't think married men should be having conversations like that, and neither does porto or she would have just shrugged her shoulders and got on with the ironing/watching telly or summat

AitchTwoOh · 13/09/2011 23:11

what? i didn't say that she should shrug her shoulders, i said she should talk to him.

i think it's a real shame that porto, despite having received an explanation that she is perfectly happy with, is now saying that she feels suspicious. her dh has given her no reason to be. he's entitled to his thoughts, and to speak to other women, fgs. just as she is entitled to feel nostalgic for boyfriends past and speak to them on FB.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 23:23

double what ?

I didn't infer that you said she should shrug her shoulders

I said that porto must have agreed with me that he shouldn't be having conversations like this, or she wouldn't have asked for an explanation.

I think it's a shame too, that her DH gave her reason to be suspicious in the first place. But like we said, she asked for an explanation and got a satisfactory one.

I hope she made it clear though, that her suspicions did not materialise out of nowhere. Having misty eyed convo's on FB with old gf's, telling her you can't stop thinking about her and discussing regrets about putting temptation in each other's way is hardly a good old chin-wagging catch-up kind of convo is it ?

It is intimate, and rather dangerous, IMO and anybody who objects to that is not someone who simply has a problem with their spouse talking to members of the opposite sex

The relationships board, as porto attests to, is full of silly men and women who take this kind of hankering for their youth too far before they realise wtf they are doing.

AitchTwoOh · 13/09/2011 23:35

these boards are not full of her husband and her relationship. if i found dh having this sort of conversation then i would query it, and if he came back with the same answer as porto's dh i would be at pains to remind myself that he didn't do anything wrong and that i actually have no reason to be suspicious in future. because having a mistrustful partner is every bit as dangerous for a relationship as some middle-aged man getting nostalgic for a life before children.

god knows, I get nostalgic for that.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 23:41

don't we all ?

AitchTwoOh · 13/09/2011 23:42

well, yes, precisely. but it hardly means we're going to ditch what we have and piss off with someone from our past.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 23:48

Well, I feel like that on occasion, but I guess it's what you do with those feelings isn't it ?

Having a FB conversation with an old flame, and saying those things that would hurt my spouse deeply were he to find them, isn't top of the list of useful ways to deal with it.

AitchTwoOh · 14/09/2011 00:07

i think if we expect our partners to be perfect then we are setting ourselves up for a major fall. porto's dh, imo, did nothing wrong. the only stupid thing was in not telling her about it as it was happening. perfectly okay for him to wax nostalgic imo.

Original poster

Portofino · 14/09/2011 08:45

I do believe his explanation - and you're right - he didn't really overstep the mark to THAT degree, but he does agree that was disrespectful to me. At the end of the day, this a woman he had a relationship about 25 years ago. She lives in another country with her dh and kids. They will not be bumping into each other anytime soon - so I am going to try and put it from my mind and I am not planning on stalking his FB now

I suppose it was because of the "I love my wife, there I said it" drunken post on his wall a few weeks back that made me leap to conclusions. I thought it was an odd way to express such a sentiment, and made me wonder whether there had been some doubt about this somewhere.....At the time, everyone reassured me that this was most likely drunken man wafflle.

Anyway it did lead onto a conversation last night that we need to put more effort into our relationship and doing stuff as a family. My main issue with him is that he is starting to claim "old man" status - that he works hard, is tired and is happy to potter around the garden and watch footie at weekends. It is scary enough to me that he will reach retirement age in 10 years or so, and I am not ready to hang my dancing trousers up just yet

Plus - I think he struggles a bit with having a young child - I guess at 54 you'd expect your kids to be teenagers at the very least - and I am having to continually explain that it is not fair on her to sit in the house/in front of the tv at the weekend throughout the winter (in summer she normally plays out with the neighbours) and it is not fair on me to have to be the one arranging activities/play dates/taking her to classes etc because he is "tired". Our lodger is going in a couple of weeks - I think this is an ideal time to reevaluate our routine a bit.....and do some more stuff as a couple/family. Rocket firmly wedged up arse.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 14:14

I believe his explanation, too, Porto. I did after you first posted it. I wish I hadn't continued that convo with aitch, because it may look like I don't. In fact, every time I replied to her, I cringed and hoped you understood what I was trying to say.

It was disrespectful and he shouldn't have done it. Just because you have accepted his explanation doesn't mean that you think what he did was OK. Some people think it is OK. You didn't. I don't. That is all.

All the best with reassessing what both of your priorities are.

madzdilley · 21/09/2011 11:40

Porto I fully sympathise with your last post.

My hubby is 61, I'm 27. We have a 6 year old and I am pregnant again. When I told him about this pregnancy (unplanned although I was taking the pill) he got very upset and told me I was ruining his life. He says he works hard and wants some rest when he retires plus he doesnt want to have to worry about money etc. To be honest it nearly split us up. Thankfully he is coming round to the idea but it has shown me what a huge difference there is between us given our ages, even after being together over 9 years.

Anyway enough of the rant. I have difficulty with my DH speaking to an ex he felt very strongly for and found a text on his phone last week where he told her he thinks of her 'always' which I found difficult. He had asked me to use his phone to send a message so I wasnt snooping. I havent brought it up yet as he has been away but might well do when he gets back.

I'm glad you have got some answers and hopefully after your talk this will only serve to make your relationship stronger!

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