DS not returned on school run, and other parent didn't contact us...

[Weegle]

I am trying to be calm about this, but need to know what to do.

We share lifts to/from school with 2 other families. It?s just over a 10 minute drive (we?re rural). There are 3 children all aged 4, just started reception.

On a Thurs the 3 children, including DS, are collected by one of the dads T. They would normally be home by 3.35pm. Just before 4pm no DS. Go to my contact list, no mobile number for T (had not noticed this as there are loads of numbers on there for him and his wife, just not a mobile no for T). Ring other mum expecting her DD home. She?s not back either. She has T?s mobile which she tries, no reply repeatedly. I ring school ? they were collected on time. At this point I got very very worried. Rang DH who left work to drive the area leaving me free to stay by the phone. DH in fact wanted me to call the police. Other mum who has no other kids jumped in the car and drove the school route. At 4.20pm (so at least 45 min ?late?) other mum rings to say they?ve just arrived at her house, he?s safe etc. DS then home 5 min later. I just took DS in, didn?t really say anything to T as was completely shocked still.

Apparently he had to go and pick up his younger DD from nursery after collecting the children from school ? this was a last minute change of plan because his wife was deployed on call at work (to put that in context she was being helicoptered about 400 miles away). He says he didn?t have any of our numbers in his phone. He regularly picks up the children on a Thurs so surely he should have our numbers in his phone? Or why didn?t he get the school to call me and other mum? Apparently when he spoke to his wife about change of plans he said he didn?t have numbers and she said she?d text if she got time ? but he knows the nature of her job, and her being ?on call? so surely knew it was possible she wouldn?t have time?! He also said ?this sort of thing happens sometimes in our lives? ? well I can honestly say in 4.5 years of parenting I?ve never been so worried for the safety of my child.

The thing is T and his wife aren?t just school run acquaintances, they are actually friends. If this was just a convenience school run thing I would have hit the roof and pulled out of the arrangement. But our children are friends, we are family friends, our younger 3 children will all be at school together too. But aside from the fact I was worried sick (I really thought the police would be turning up to say there?d been an accident once I found out they had left school on time), DS missed his swimming lesson, and DH left work in a rush over an hour early. And T just didn?t seem to realise quite how irresponsible it was that he didn?t contact us somehow, through the school or something.

Other mum is also a friend of T and his wife, although I only know her through them, but getting to know her more, but only since Sept.

Anyway, what would you do from here? I can?t just leave it can I?

Sorry this is long, have tried to put everything relevant down.

Being thick, what does the pombear mean... those who are fed up with the Royal Wedding already?

Being thick, what does the pombear mean... those who are fed up with the Royal Wedding already? I even read this thread and I'm still none the wiser what it's supposed to mean.

Not that I felt that strongly about it, mind, but I am on the world's slowest laptop tonite .

If one of my DSs was 45 minutes late home and I knew he was in a car somewhere I would have been frantic. Absolutely beside myself. The whole should he/shouldn't he have had your number thing is irrelevant - he should have bloody called somehow. It shows a complete lack of thought or imagination.

As to what you can actually do/say, Weegle, I don't know .

My DP is a paramedic so also can be 'sent out of contact' at a moments notice but if I rang him re the children and asked him to contact another parent because of a last minute change he would manage it by ph call /text [2 min is all it takes] or at least have gotten another person to check his ph and pass on number on to me.
You all need the other ph numbers, if I were that man and I had asked my DP to contact the other parent I would have assumed he had.

You have about 25 mins of worry. No harm done. I wouldn't do anything. I am sure if it had been a real emergency (ie DS was hurt or his car had broken down) he'd had managed to get in touch with you.

Weegle - i know you said you were leaving thread, but hope you're still reading.

I think i would have been frantic too, v overactive imagination

I think from his POV, there was nothing untoward happening & he hoped his wife had passed on the message there would be a delay. so he wasn't worried or desperate to contact any of you/other parents.

obv you & other Mum didn't know that nothing was wrong, could only go on what facts you had;

• they left sch as planned
• they are not at home as planned
• time has passed
• it's getting dark
• car accidents happen

perhaps a sit down with him and/or his wife explaining that your were stressed, maybe he still doesn't know? have you told him your DH & the other mum were driving the route looking for accident debris??

Obv you must get everyone's numbers sorted, a practical step, but i don't think you can just leave it and move on. i know i couldn't.

Thank you to everyone who has given support - I appreciate it. Rightly or wrongly I WAS worried, the most I ever have been regarding DS' safety. It was raining dark, twisty rural lanes with ditches - knowing they had left apparently 'en route' home. I still maintain I wasn't over-reacting to be as worried as I was. DH agrees, as do all other parents involved - now.

Have had very apologetic phone calls from both T and his wife tonight. We've sorted out all contact numbers and forms of communication.

I didn't over-react towards T. I wouldn't, he's a lovely man and it was simply thoughtless. By the way he found out at 11am this morning that he would need to divert after school to collect youngest DD. If I had known I could have collected DS myself and made it to his swimming class.

To the poster who asked why I don't do any of the lifts... I have a disability meaning I can't really move very easily in the mornings, and I have 10 month old twins meaning logistically not easy. My part of the arrangement is looking after one of the children on a Monday for 3 hours after school whilst my friend works, and looking after one of their other children with my twins to enable the lift share to work (fitting in car).

Thanks again to those who could see I was upset and still coming down off the worry, and for understanding why I (and the other mum, and DH) was worried.

You do need to have his mobile number. This whole experience has shown why you do. OK, so he didn't answer when someone else rang him and he probably would not have answered when you rang him but, still, you need to have it. Get it from him at the same time as you have the conversation in which you explain how worried you were and ask him to make sure himself that someone calls you if a similar situation arises again.

MsHighwater I have just said I have got his mobile number and that he has apologised (off his own back) and that it's dealt with

I think you are over reacting too. It's irritating that the swimming lesson was missed, but no more. You should have just assumed they were held up -- the far, far, far more likely scenario than accident/kidnap/police etc etc.

Obviously you should all have mobile numbers but given that you know his wife's job is emergency call I don't know why you just didn't think oh bugger.

Oh, I just read the first page. Will just read your last post.

Then it is now mega-annoying that he knew so early and still didn't manage to contact you & other mum, grrr.

At least they have apologised, hopefully now realising what they put you all through.

And the system was tested, it basically failed, but nothing major went wrong. If something goes even slightly wrong in the future, you'll all know what to do.

So (once the adrenalin has left your system) all's well that ends well :)

To all those saying she over-reacted, as she keeps saying she didn't do anything, her post on MN was explaining her worry, and can we remember this involved 4-year olds? so presumably only started sch in Sept?
My DS1 is 4 and so far him and most of his friends are not involved in lift shares.

Wow, I can't believe what a hard time the OP got yesterday.

Would none of you have been worried about your child ? She said she was polite to T, as it turns out now we know that he found at 11am that we would be delayed then actually she has good cause to be cross.

Having said that it would not have occuered to my DH that he should call round, I bet T's wife gave him a good telling off when she found out.

I hope you feel better today Weegle.

I would rather a driver on collection duty of my dc didn't answer his phone whilst driving - regardless of whether it was hands free or not, driving three or four children needs to be done without answering the phone.

If someone is picking up your dc you have as much responsability to have thier number as they do yours - doesn't matter if you don't do any driving, it is a two way street not one way

no harm done

The first thing in your OP suggested that you were struggling to be calm about it. Which suggested that you had become quiet upset. You also said that nothing else in the last 4.5 years had ever made you so worried about your child.

You were polite to the other fellow and you constructively came on here to ask for strategy in the future -- I don't think anyone criticised you on those points... but you can't deny that you had a very strong reaction to this incident. And if you feel it's right to react so strongly in future to such incidents that's your call, too. However, if you ask for feedback (on MN), you can expect replies to give feedback on many aspects of the situation, including how much it upset you. That's just how it works online. We're not having a go, just trying to help.