Baby in SCBU, mother not interested,

[clareg]

Hi

My brother (27) and his wife (19) seperated 1 month after they got married, after she told him that she only married him to use him as a sperm donor and get pregnant. She got pregnant and found out she was expecting twins. They live at the opposite end of the country to us and I don't really speak to my brother (long story) although he speaks to my mum. He was told he that she didnt want him to have access or see the children at all. He isntructed a solicitor and knows his rights.

The twins were born last week. She called him yesterday to tell him they had been born and said that one of the baby's is sick in special care as she has a birth defect.

As soon as my brother found out, he went to the hospital and will be going back there every day. She has not been to see the baby in SCBU until today, and only because she knew that my brother wuld be going and didnt want him there with the baby alone. Apparently she has shown no interest in the babies whereas he has been taking responsibile actions and is staying at the hospital- she didnt even want to stay at the hospital where the sick baby is with the other twin.

The sick baby is having a major operation on Thursday and the mother has said she will not be there and she doesnt know when she will be going back to the hospital. It is as if she only wants to take care of the "perfect" baby who is at home. I have 2 girls and my eldest one was in special care for a week and we barely left her side, so I am having a really hard time trying to understand why this girl does not want to see the baby. All I can think of is that poor sick baby lying in an incubator devoid of human touch and love, wondering where the person who she has lived inside for 9 months is.

I called the hospital and left my number for the girl to call me. When she called me, she screamed down the phone at me and basically gave me abuse when I asked how the babies were and said that our family could not see them and she wanted nothing to do with them. My Mum desperately wants to be a grandma to them and I pointed out how hard the girl is going to find it with twins and one who has to have a colostomy bag changed 10 times a day. I am really worried about these children as she is clearly not interested in the baby in SCBU and I feel so helpless. She made it clear she only got pregnant to get the house and benefits, and I hate to think what sort of life she is going to give these kids.

Sorry, just wanted to vent as I can't believe some people are allowed to have children. I have been so upset, I had to give my girls an extra big hug when I saw them after I got in from work tonight. I can't believe this girl is just concerned about herself and causing drama and hurt, and not these poor defenceless babies who didn't ask to be born :-(

I am so worried about what will happen to them, as I'm sure its going to end up with social services involved. I havent been able to ascertain whether they are involved already. Its sad when a family has no rights when the mother is so horrible :-(

I know you have major concerns re your brother's wife and they may be very valid. But at a week post-partum, having had major abdominal surgery, hormones everywhere, caring for a nb, with another sick in hospital and possible bonding issues you aren't going to get the best from her.

Fwiw, I would send a nice present for both her girls/maybe for the new mum and a positive letter saying how thrilled you are at their arrival and wishing her well, and an offer of support to her and her girls if she ever needed it. She still might throw it back in your face but you will have done the right thing.

And then support your brother in seeing his dds, as it's through him you will get to be an aunt and your mum a grandma which is something those two dds may be very grateful for as they get older.

You asked what would I do? I would buy gifts for my nieces, some chocolate and magazines for the mum and cards. I would continue to offer help and support to both parents and I would ignore all the abuse she is given out according to you.

Seems a bit of a weird thing to marry someone when you want to use them as a sperm donor. Why not just have a shag.

I can't bear the term 'poor defenceless babies', really gets my back up

as a trainee health professional, you should know that it can take more than a week to recover from the shock of having an unwell ?permanently disabled child. even in the best of circumstances, some women are traumatised by the birth and struggle to bond with a newborn.

My friend had just one baby in SCBU when she was 21. She admitted later to me that she found it incredibly difficult visiting her baby and didn't go as often as she should, or as often as people thought she should. She hated seeing her baby like that and was scared of bonding 'just in case'. She didn't have a clue how to cope with what was going on or the possible implications. She felt terribly guilty that she felt that way and didn't admit her feelings to anyone, at the time.

She is now a brilliant mum and her little girl is very well loved and cared for.

You have no idea what this poor girl is thinking or feeling. Or what sort of mother she will be once her baby is better and is in her care.

As for the pregnancy and marriage, well you only have your brothers word for that don't you? I very much doubt that some-one would get married just to get pregnant. If that was all she wanted she would have just had a one night stand with some random guy in club. Especially if she didn't want the father involved as getting married gives the father automatic rights to the children, any idiot who watches Jeremy Kyle knows that.

I bet her side of the story is very different to your brothers. 19 is very young to be getting married. There could be any number of reasons why she left him and all of them would make more sense than wanting 'a sperm donor'.

She may be a nightmare. She may be a completely useless mother.

But I am shocked to hear a health professional, even a trainee one, say "I had a baby in SCBU, so I know how she must be feeling". You don't. You know how you felt. Not everyone feels the same way in the same circumstances. And to hear a health professional, even a trainee one, say that a 19 year old should not be dignified by the term "woman".

You don't talk to your brother, and he doesn't talk to her. How are you in a position to conclude that "being caring and compassionate is not in her DNA"? Because she doesn't want to be given advice by the estranged sister of her estranged husband?

I hope your brother and his wife manage to sort out arrangements for both their children in the best possible way, whatever that may be. If your SIL needs help then I hope she gets it, and if it turns out that one or both girls are better off with your brother then I hope that transition can be made smoothly.

Good gracious.

You don't know her. You live miles away from her. This actually has very little to do with you. You don't even speak to their dad, your brother.

she had a c-section a week ago? you want her to be back and forth to scbu having single handedly cared for the sister of a child she is (potentially) terrified of bonding with?

you don't even talk to your brother for some reason but believe you know better than she does the reasons she chose to leave him, pregnant with twins?

i can't post on this thread any more.

i hope your brother is ok, and i wish the little girl the very best for her surgery.

hi x

Words fail me.
Your lack of compassion and sympathy is astounding, especially considering you've been there and also the field you are training in..

And she is a woman and a mother FFS.

TerritoriolMosquito has coined it!

Actually I don't find her lack of sympathy or compassion astounding.

She's a health professional.

There's a lot of it about.

Oooooh this got my back right up.

If your a trained health proffessional then you should bloody well know that postnal depression can strike ANY frigging time. More often than not it carries on from PRE NATAL DEPRESSION...Do you know what that is? Do you know she didnt have it before she gave birth?

And agree with other posters, just because you had a baby in SCBU and you coped perfectly doesnt mean your an expert. My daughter was in special care for 7 weeks. We spent much time by her side...she came home,got pnuemonia and was in hospital again. I didnt visit her once as i had only just started bonding and couldnt bare to lose her, I pulled away and only now, at the age of two are we forming a bond.

Oh, and the children wont grow up in poverty providing your brother provides for them

twins is a totally different kettle of fish honey, it really is. i had one twin in scbu, and at that time there were not the facilities to accomodate me in hospital if i was healthy with one healthy baby so they sent me home.

try getting to hospital after pushing twins out of your punani, one baby waking every two hours and so called 'health professionals' wondering why you aren't visiting. well i'll tell you what it could be a combination of

really sore fanny
post natal depression
self protection against something going wrong
shock at giving birth to twins, the reality of caring for them aged 19 with no long term partner
the practicalities of just getting dressed, getting a baby dressed and getting to the hospital - if she doesn't have a car its even worse - if she does, its still hard work

your brother is a real saint, how saintly would be be if he's just pushed two melons out of his arse, getting no sleep and in shock.

Custardo...what you just said.

You and your sainted brother sound like a pair of arseholes tbh.

You don't know this woman so maybe you shouldn't judge...you have absoloutely no idea how she will cope in the future and you have one side of the story regarding the relationship.

Why should his ex want the advice or help from you? she doesn't know you...butt out and get a life, you seem to be making a bad situation alot worse.

Oh and change your career choice aswell...your not suited to the caring profession.

This is an old thread.

"I had a baby in SCBU, so I know how she must be feeling."

No you do not, and as a qualified health professional (midwife) I'm cross that you as a trainee health professional can make such a statement. You should know better than to bring your own experience/feelings into play.

I've been pregnant and had a baby - do I know how every pregnant women feels like? Of course I bloody don't.

It is common for parents not to bond with babies in SCBU, its almost like a self preservation thing. She is most likely worried that this baby could not pull through. Plus she has the added pressure of another newborn to look after. All this as a single parent.

Well, she's one of two things:

Unable to cope with the situation, so is removing herself from it, or

really isn't interested in the ill twin.

You and your family have to decide how to deal with the situation, and figure out what is in the best interest for the babies, the mum and the dad.

No doubt you are very cross at her and the situation, but your support and understanding could help bring some sort of resolution to the situation.

this is an old thread.

So what misdee? Not that old actually.

It would be interesting to know how the Mother Father and Babies are doing now.

I hope they are all well and working towards a healthy relationship whether that's with Mum and Dad together or not.

The only thing I would add is that the OP was a trainee Health Care professional. Perhaps she was at the very start of her training?
Hopefully after reading the responses here it will have given her another aspect/view which she can reflect on and change her practice with.
Not everyone gets it right, mothers, fathers health care professionals everyone has to learn somewhere.

No need to be snippy to misdee, it is normal board etiquette to bring to the attention of other posters if a thread they are posting on is old, as they may not have realised.