AMA with Matilda Gosling, researcher and author of 'Evidence-Based Parenting' - open now!

[NicolaDMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

We’re pleased to announce social researcher and author Matilda Gosling will be doing an AMA this evening in the wake of her new book ‘Evidence-Based Parenting’. Matilda is a researcher specialising in education, skills and issues affecting children and young people. She has degrees from Cambridge and the LSE. Matilda co-founded and ran an international social research consultancy for 12 years before returning to freelance consultancy and writing, and has led field research in more than 60 countries. She has also researched gender identity in teenagers and the effects of gender identity beliefs on the women’s sector.

Evidence-Based Parenting

‘A search for ‘parenting’ returns over a billion unique hits on Google. How can parents know which approaches actually work?

Evidence-Based Parenting draws directly on over one thousand studies, and indirectly on thousands more, to create a single resource for parents of young children. This vast knowledge base has been condensed, for the first time, into straightforward ideas to support children to be happy, healthy and fulfilled – all while helping parents maintain their own sanity.’

Please post your questions below. Matilda will be answering questions throughout the evening.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil.

Thanks,
MNHQ.

Hi @ditalini. The research is pretty clear that ‘time out’ works in terms of behaviour and isn’t damaging – but it’s never felt quite right to me. I’ve used it, but doing so went against my instincts and so I stopped pretty quickly. And as I vaguely mentioned in the last post, sticker charts being ineffective in the long term surprised me/went against my biases. I believed that if you do something for long enough, whatever the reasons for doing so, it would become habit. (And perhaps it does for some – but not as a general rule. And not for my own daughters, it turns out!)

Hi @Hollyhead, I did look into this, yes. The evidence shows that sleep training works (additional minutes of sleep gained each night can be pretty low, though). It has short-term benefits for families, and there’s no real evidence to suggest it causes long-term harm - there are studies that follow families over a few years to track things like mental health and attachment, and they don’t find differences between children who were sleep trained and those who weren’t. I don’t think those who don’t sleep train are making the wrong decision, though – it’s an incredibly personal choice.

Hello @Lillette – I’m sorry. This sounds incredibly hard. Your council may be able to point you in the direction of other local resources – sometimes there will be local charities or parent support groups that operate independently of CAMHS, or networks of parents with similar experiences who may be able to help.

My book is a general parenting book, so may not be as useful to you as the parent of a child with some very particular needs. Some areas that may help, though: having transitional objects to help move between activities and places (e.g. picture cards that mark what happens next); having a calm-down zone or box filled with activities that can distract – fidget toys, colouring books, something to squeeze; having a traffic light system your child can use to mark her mood, helping her to recognise when she might need help to shift from e.g. a high-alert orange to a calmer green; doing breathing exercises together to music (Bach’s Air on a G String is recommended by one book for child therapists). I’d also recommend using screens, if your daughter is able to sit calmly in front of them, to your advantage, and taking some time to yourself when you can. This will be a drop in the ocean compared to what you need, and I hope you have some in-person support.

Thanks, @GraingervNick. I think I didn’t understand fully why my children might be behaving in a particular way – that a wounding comment or arguing every point wasn’t necessarily aimed at me, but was a result of hunger or tiredness, or perhaps someone had been mean to them at nursery, or they were going through a developmental leap, etc. This sounds pretty obvious, but I really needed to take a step back to think about motivations/intent, and underlying feelings/developmental stages, to depersonalise some of the less charming behaviour. And once I recognised that my children weren’t deliberately setting out to antagonise me (or, at least, not often), it became much easier to manage.

Hi @Namechangeramaxx . The third paper in the series is probably the one to read for this (on the Sex Matters website, under Resources for Parents). I interviewed a range of experts to ask their advice for parents of gender-questioning teenagers.

The consensus was that parental influence on teenagers is likely to be lower as they get older, and any conflict related to gender may make things worse. I can’t say definitively that your strategy is the right one – I don’t know your teenager and I’m not a psychotherapist, so I can only report the more general points that have been raised in my research. But not causing conflict sounds like a good approach. You might also want to ask gentle questions to open up perspectives, and find other things to open up your teenager’s world – books, films, music, podcasts, philosophy, debates, ideas, travel (if you can). Physical movement is important, as are the other things important to health and well-being more generally – sleep, daylight, nature, nutrition.

There are some other ideas in the paper, including introducing your child to gender non-conforming role models, building your relationship, etc. I agree that it's been a tough period for sensitive teenage boys – as it has for many teenage girls, too, for different reasons. And there's so much less room at the moment for teenagers who don't conform to stereotypes, or who don't want to identify with these stereotypes, to sit comfortably in their bodies.

I’d be wary of counselling (re. your second message) unless you know the counsellor won’t immediately affirm your child without exploring possible underlying distress or other factors. (I know you say there's little interest in your suggestion for the moment, but in case this changes.)

Thanks Matilda, that’s really helpful.

Hello @SJSDA, and thank you. My research focused mainly on Anglophone cultures as parenting is very culturally specific – but that doesn't get around the fact that cultures vary within societies, as well as across them. This is (in my view) a real limitation of the current evidence base – we don't have enough information about what works in different circumstances. Another issue is that what we can learn from elsewhere isn’t necessarily transferrable. There’s research showing huge benefit to children being raised in communities – the important role of cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents and family friends – but it’s hard to apply this to the more atomised living situations of many families in the UK. And things often work in one place, but not another – an interesting paper I cite in the book shows that permissive parenting (being warm but with few boundaries) works better in Spain than it does in the UK, for example. I think the short answer is that there’s a lot we don’t know!

Congratulations on your book!

Through your extensive research, are there any parenting myths you would like to bust? Please share

Hi @happyinahoodie. I certainly don't think the age of majority should be lower. Brain development is complex, and there's a bit of disagreement among scholars as to when the main processes complete – but we know that many are still happening up to the age of 18, and some continue beyond this. It’s true that maturity is reached earlier in some areas than others. I believe it's essential, though, to have a clear dividing line between childhood and adulthood that can inform things like safeguarding, child protection, etc.

Hi @TickTickTock . There are separate sections in the book on managing emotions and on anxiety – here is a summary of a few of the ideas. It may be helpful to encourage her to see her feelings as passing states ('I feel anxious,' not 'I am anxious'). You can be clear with her that most people aren't judging her; help her to focus on enjoying activities, rather than getting them 'right'; encourage her to drop some extra-curricular activities if she's doing a lot of them; and help her to find activities that support her to relax, such as art, quiet games or laughter. It's also worth trying to listen to her, rather than give her advice, and to help her to feel she can cope with stressful situations. She might also try (if she's old enough) writing down some of her worries and setting aside a particular time of day to pay them attention, keeping her focus elsewhere at other times.

Some of the ideas that I gave in an earlier response may be useful to help her with her emotional regulation – having transitional objects to help her move between activities, say, or having a calm-down box with objects that can help her to manage her feelings.

I realise this feels very thin as it summarises sections that contain a great deal of detail, but I hope one or two of these ideas may chime. Good luck.

Hello @Pipsquiggle. A very researcher-y caveat that some of these things may be true for some parents/children – but, on the whole, these are myths: It's best to be led by your child in most things. Sleep training is damaging. Semi-skimmed dairy products are better than whole ones. Parents shouldn't believe they are the experts on their children. Rules should never be flexed. Children should never feel worried or sad. Parents should always get things right.

I'm logging off now, but will come back tomorrow to mop up any final questions, if needed. Thank you, all – these posts have been brilliant and have made me think.

Just to say, @matildagosling, I read the paper you mentioned on Sex Matters and many points rang very true. I was interested by the mention of a sibling illness, which was certainly the case for us. I will definitely be referring back to it in future. Thank you.

I have really enjoyed reading this and have now bought your book! I’m wondering as you’re coming back to address any remaining questions @matildagosling if I could sneak one in this morning.

I have two daughters, nearly 4 and 2. They are both, for their ages, fairly compliant, reasonable, cooperative children. I worry about the trajectory for them into adolescence and whether their agreeableness now may mean they are less resilient and confident as teenagers and adults, and the myriad mental health difficulties that can come with that. Is there a link in the research? And if there is (even if there isn’t) what can I do now to protect enable them to develop the skills they need to thrive in adolescence? Thank you so much if you manage to answer my question.

Thank you, @Spangler – I hope you enjoy the book. Agreeableness as a personality dimension in children is actually linked with better outcomes later on – by adulthood, better mental health and more job stability, for example. It may be that being agreeable helps children to get on well with others and to be better at managing conflict, and having good relationships with other people is linked to well-being. It’s almost certainly worth helping your daughters learn to be assertive when things matter to them, though – teaching them how to set boundaries with other people, and to be clear when they don’t like or want to do something (for example, helping them to find a way of saying no if a friend suggests an activity that takes them too far out of their comfort zone). This is a skill all children need, but agreeable/compliant ones may need some extra help.