I am a refugee AMA

[battlescarred]

I will try to answer what I can. I may have to fudge some details, or be vague about some things, but I will do my best.

Nothing to ask but just to wish you and your extended family well.

My mum was a child refugee.

Thank you. I hope it all worked out well for your Mum too.

You sound like an amazing person, all the very best to you and your family after everything you have been through. I hope you find peace and prosperity here.

Do you have other family who would still like to join you? Or if they cannot, do you have confidence that they are safer etc than you were back in the 90s?

I don't have a question but wanted to say thank you for starting this thread. I've worked in the refugee sector for almost 20 years and I can honestly say I've never seen things as bad as they are now. Hearing personal stories such as yours helps remind people of the real humans behind the headlines. I wish you and your family nothing but the best in life!

Thank you.

No, we have no more close living relatives in our homeland. It is much safer there now. A lot of my compatriots returned there eventually, once the war was over.

My father and his brothers were all killed in the war. If I have cousins I don't know them.

I'm so sorry for all your losses. Your mum sounds amazing, teaching you the languages she thought might help you.

Do you have happy memories with your family or are they overshadowed by the awful ones? I hope with time the happy memories become the most important ones

I'm sorry for your losses and am glad things are a little better for those you know who have returned. Thank you for doing this thread, a lot of people need to read something like this I think.

Thank you for your open and honest answers on this thread. You say there are people looking for your sister, did she escape the people who traded for her or did they release her willingly? Did they know she was pregnant? I’m sorry, I can’t imagine how it must feel to know that your homeland wouldn’t treat your return kindly.

Do you have many memories of your homeland? Are they mostly of the war or do you have some from when it was peaceful? Do you still speak the language or follow any of the culture are, if so, have you passed it on to your children? If your country became truly peaceful in future, would you go back and visit?

I remember camping holidays, and cooking over an open fire with my father, and I remember boats, and being taught to paddle and row on huge lakes. I remember my first bedroom, which is what would be called a "box room", and being allowed to choose a colour to paint it, and then getting the paint all over my hands when I was told to leave it alone for my parents to do, but couldn't resist trying to help. And I remember a friend's birthday party, cakes and singing - yes, I do have these happy memories of time before the war, and plenty more.

Hi Op, I'm glad you have been made to feel more welcome than not xx I haven't read the remaining q's and a's but place marking for later (currently have a screaming toddler!)

Can I ask what your thoughts are about the barge asylum seekers have been ordered to live on in Dorset?

Thank you for sharing your experience op. Are your children old enough to know about what you have been through, what do they think about it? Do they feel like they come from your homeland or from Britain?

She escaped, and there were other girls there who did not. Once she escaped she got a lot of help. There are charities that do an amazing job. I won't mention the names of the small or lesser known ones, because I don't want to be identifying, but the Salvation Army and the Red Cross looked after her and got us reunited.

I only speak English to my children, and so does my sister. We speak our own language to each other sometimes. There are some recipes from my homeland I still use. My brother only speaks English these days, as far as I know. He has some hearing problems, and lip reads a bit to help, so we are careful not to switch between languages if he is part of the conversation. This is from explosions. There was one day of big explosions in particular, which left my ears ringing for days, and his ears never recovered. I don't know why my hearing recovered and his didn't. He was unlucky.

My feeling about the barge is great sadness. I don't think any of us would have survived such a reception. I am so grateful for the kindness and generosity we were welcomed with. I am also saddened by seeing and reading people's attitude to the barge, saying asylum seekers don't deserve anything better, and are mostly liars and criminals, and that sort of thing. I am also saddened when I read of asylum seekers abusing their welcome.

Also, I think, what would have happened if my brother had been put in a bunk bed in a tiny room, on a ship he couldn't leave, and the other person was from the army who had killed our father and tortured our mother? We have come across refugees from the other side of the war in the UK sometimes. In the early years, we just turned around and walked away - but what if you can't?

These days if I meet someone from the other side, I get cold butterflies in my stomach, but am able to smile and be polite, and rationalise that they were likely to be caught up in circumstances like we were. In the first few years though, I would not have coped with being trapped with them like that. I would have also been afraid, and so would they have been, and there could be a lot of bad outcomes from such situations.

Thank you for the thread OP and I'm so sorry for your losses

• Have you ever returned to your home country?
• Do you help/support any refugee type charities or asylum seekers now that you have been through this yourself?
• DH and I are looking into fostering and hosting asylum seeker children- do you have any advice on this? What you liked/didn't like/what worked/didn't work in the family that took you in etc?

I'm ashamed of the UK at the moment and its response to the refugee crisis. So many people believe the bile spewed by the Tory government and right wing press.

You also make me ashamed op of all the trivia I complain and stress about on a daily basis. I hope you and your family can make peace with the pain and grief you've endured in the past and that you have long, happy and prosperous lives.

@battlescarred thanks so much for answering. Incredibly eye-opening.

I've read the entire thread now and I'm sorry for your losses, for what happened to your sister and the impact it's all had on your brother. It's heartbreaking and I'm glad you got the support you so needed and deserved.

Another Q - is the father of your children/husband/partner from your home country? The reason I ask is because I wonder that if so whether he had similar experiences.

Thank you for your questions

1. No, I have never returned to my home country, and nor has my sister, but my brother has.
2. Yes, I support refugee charities as much as I can, for example by teaching English to refugee children as a volunteer, and helping with housing and advice.
3. Interesting question. Things that worked for me. A lot of help with homework. Time on my own. I used to hate sitting downstairs in the evening, and felt embarrassed and bored and confused. I think it helped me to be given the choice of going up to my room on my own with my own TV, or staying downstairs. Not everyone will react as I did, but I felt so exposed sitting with the family, I just wanted to hide away. Watching how other people ate and drank and joining in only when I saw how unfamiliar food was tackled. So giving me the same plate of food as everyone else, but letting me take my time with it. Not overwhelming me with English, using gestures and pictures, and letting me progress in my own time. Generally giving me the option to be included in everything, but not shining a spotlight on me or pressurising me. The worst day was Christmas. Christmas was so different in my own family home, that I felt like an intruder and an imposter being in someone else's. It was a very hard day, the first one, I had no idea what to expect or what to do, what to wear, or anything. And I was utterly grief stricken for the family I had lost. I think the shock and adrenaline had carried me though until that point. My foster parents handled it very well, and seated me where I could watch without being centre of attention, and put a few small gifts down in front of me to open in my own time.

I think I liked being made to feel I was welcome to join in, but never had to, they were quite laid back. I would really like to get back in touch with them - I wonder if they remember me.

No, my husband is British, so is my sister's husband. We met at university. He has a stable family back ground without wars and refugee experiences in it. He is very supportive of refugees though, and has learnt a lot through us.

And thank you for your kindness.

You've been through so much.
I wonder if the posters from that other thread re the barge will read this and actually remember that refugees are human and have generally suffered so much more than they can comprehend.

Had to leave that other thread because within a few posts the comments about the barge were so frustrating.

Q: How do you deal with it when you come across someone with views of refugees as criminals/chancers/less than human?

I'm so touched by your posts op. Thank you for sharing.

I can picture you as a frightened child on Christmas Day, you describe it so well.

And your comments on the reality of living on the barge were really insightful. I hadn't considered what it might be like to come across refugees from the other side of the conflict.

Your brother's life sounds hard. Do you think people are generally kinder to women and less sympathetic to men?

Do you have a faith? Did you find any comfort in that?

Do you still have a relationship with your foster family ?

@battlescarred thank you for a really moving and informative thread. Such impressive resilience and strength in the face of everything you and your family had to go through and so sorry to hear about your mum. Bit random but how did you find learning English when you first arrived and were presumably expected to jump into school life with all your lessons in a foreign language? That must have been so tough too on top of everything else?

Your post about your foster family and how overwhelmed you felt, and how gently supportive they were, was very moving. I'm glad that you got such a caring and sensitive foster family. Re your query about you wonder if they remember you...for sure they will do, and I bet they often wonder how you are doing. They might welcome you reaching out to make contact.

Thank you for your honest answers, and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m sure your foster family will remember you and would love to hear from you.