I was a mentally ill young person - AMA

[MadeItOutTheOtherSide]

Namechanged as probably can’t answer honestly without outing myself. I’m sure there must be lots of mums here coping with teenage children struggling with mental illness, so wonder if this might be helpful or illuminating.

I’m now a (mostly) happy, and happily married mum of 2 in my mid 30s, but from my early teens to early 20s I lived with severe mental illness, including self harm, depression, anxiety, hypomania and paranoid delusions in various forms. I received diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder at different points, though I haven’t met the diagnostic criteria for either in many years and it’s generally agreed they were wrong. I had (I think) 5 inpatient admissions to adolescent psychiatric units, the longest being 5 months. I was discharged from adult psychiatric services at 25/26 (my memory is a bit addled)

Happy to answer questions 🙂

@SparklingMarkling a genetic predisposition & a ‘trigger’? And trigger sustained & noteworthy? Sorry to derail a bit, are there success stories? Do/can families recover & parents accept their contribution and amend?

@Peverellshire

Recovery is always possible and there is always hope. My own grandmother was medicated and hospitalised for many years but did very, very well in her later years with psychotherapy. Unfortunately for her in her lifetime the medical model prevailed and she was a chronic patient who spent her lifetime in and out of the revolving inpatient door.

I don’t put too much emphasis on genetics. Me, my siblings and cousins had parents who suffered with psychotic illnesses, and not one of us has “suffered” from such a feat. Mainly though awareness and education as I wouldn’t say our childhoods were golden. I would be very careful though personally to place myself under severe stress or abuse substances knowing that ‘potentially’ I wouldn’t have the genetic make up for it.

What I would say is, even with any trauma in childhood, don’t be scared. I spent my adolescence absolutely terrified I would lose my mind and wake up insane and I know now, that’s not going to happen. I think in terms of triggers for severe mental illness then yes they have to be severe/sustained.

Wishing you well.

Apologies. Lots of typos. If you’re worried about any of your children, then I would say, please don’t. The fact you would be willing to take some sort of responsibility would be hugely healing. For what it’s worth, I find that chronic, sustained invalidation a massive contributer to severe mental illness in adulthood. Many, many parents get it wrong and no one is perfect but a heartfelt sorry goes a long, long way. It’s the crazy making “but you’re childhood was so lovely” dynamic that can be crazy making.

Did you keep it from your parents at first or hold back at other points and if so, why? One of my children will eventually let me know but they get very ill before they ask for help and then are very open and clingy for a time. We're quite close but they cannot explain why they don't ask for help early even when they recognise it and feel terrible, and of course get worse in the meantime. I guess I am probably wanting to know what I could do differently, if anything, as you say your mother was your biggest support and my child says it too. I just hate the idea of them suffering alone for too long as they feel better once we are aware.

So pleased to hear your son is doing well 🙂

1. Did you feel like an outsider at primary school? Were you ever bullied?

I’ve felt like an outsider in most places most of my life, but this is usually due to internal feelings of insecurity/weirdness rather than actually being othered by people around me. Objectively I’m often well liked, I just feel weird. I was mildly bullied a bit at primary school, but then that girl became my best friend (two strong willed 10 year olds) and yes a bit more at secondary school, but I’ve never been a prime candidate for bullying, too forthright and always gave it back, but I never could do the teenage group think, pack mentality, thing, so was on the outside as a result

1. Are/were you conventionally attractive?

I think I’m alright! No supermodel but I would say averagely attractive in the small and cute category. I’m a bit chubby now but was average/slim as a child. I’ve never had trouble getting boyfriends.

1. Were your parents liberal? If you had siblings, how did it impact?

My mum is very liberal, my dad tried to be strict but wasn’t really involved in much (undiagnosed ASD) my closest in age sibling I think worried about me but we’ve never talked about it much, my other sibling is much younger and has actually had a lot of mental health struggles themselves, and is also now looking at an adult ASD diagnosis like my dad

1. What’s your relationship with your Mum like now? Do you parent in a similar way?

My relationship with my mum is great, though we’re more equal than parent and child I think. My kids are very little so time will tell on the parenting, but we’re both fairly laid back. She’s great at focusing on the fun, I can be a bit more uptight.

1. What could your Mum have done better? Could anything have changed your tracjectory.

My mum has some demons of her own that if they’d been addressed when she was young might have helped how feelings were dealt with, I’ve always had big feelings and she struggled with that as someone who buried hers. But therapy and self work weren’t such a thing in the 80s! by the time I was actually ill, nothing

1. They say BDP is not curable & outcomes poor - do you agree?

I think most BPD diagnoses are actually CPTSD, neurodivergency, or a combo of both. Most women diagnosed with BPD have a history of abuse (I don’t) so the symptoms are actually trauma responses. Treating that trauma would help. I never really had BPD, though I can see where the diagnosis came from.

Thanks

The question was did I have an abusive childhood, I didn’t, and I’ve had therapy! I said my childhood was loving and stable, which it was, I didn’t say it was completely devoid of any issues at all. My dad was certainly undiagnosed ASD which massively impacted his ability to relate to and express emotions to his children, which as I got older I felt a lot. My mum also has a history of abuse (which I didn’t know about until I was an adult) and couldn’t cope at all with shouting/anger/big feelings, so I think there was a lot of keeping everyone calm and happy at the detriment of feeling her own feelings. She’s a people pleaser. As someone with big feelings (I think possible ADHD disregulation) my response was to turn this in on myself to avoid explosions, though I was never shamed or punished for expressing any feelings. This was definitely the root of my self harming. But there was no abuse, physical, sexual or psychological. I have a big close knit family. I think most likely the issue was neurodiversity