AMA with Stella O'Malley, author of 'What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You'

[NicolaDMumsnet]

Hello

We’re pleased to announce an AMA with writer and psychotherapist Stella O'Malley in the wake of her new book What Your Teen is Trying to Tell
You. The thread is open for questions now and Stella will be returning to answer questions throughout the week.

What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You
'Drawing upon years of experience as a psychotherapist specialising in
counselling teenagers and offering useful case studies, in this book Stella gives tips on how to manage your adolescent’s feelings, ways to help them negotiate the often-bumpy path to adulthood and provides practical information on how to support them through mental health problems, eating disorders, alcohol and drug use and friendship challenges.

Stella O’Malley explores body confidence and coming to terms with emerging sexuality, sexual awakenings and approaches sexual orientation as well as looking at teens’ need to examine their identity and ask themselves ‘who am I, and who do I want to be?’ This book does not shy away from deep problems associated with the overuse of technology, how porn has changed; this is explored in one of the case studies. She also looks at the consequences of the ‘Disneyfied’ childhood and how on reaching puberty the wall of reality is frequently grim and difficult.

What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You will help parents to navigate the tricky teenage years and provide them with positive support so in the long-term their teenage children can be themselves.'

Please ask your questions from now - though the thread will be open until Stella has finished answering questions.

As always, please remember our guidelines - one question per user, follow-ups only if there’s time and most questions have been answered, and please keep it civil. Also if one topic is dominating a thread, mods might request that people don't continue to post what's effectively the same question or point.

Many thanks,

MNHQ.

Hi @YourMagicSwirlingShip , this is a very common but also very worrying problem (btw I love your username, I'm a big Bob Dylan fan).

Countless teens discovered an insidious truth during the lockdowns: that they could have a decent enough lifestyle at home. This lifestyle will lead the to stagnate as the months become years, but it also won't challenge them - they can feel comfortable, if vaguely bored and dissastisfied in the long-term - and they then begin to believe that they don't need to go through the vulnerability and anxiety-inducing hardship of learning how to manage the social context during adolescence. I write about all this extensively in my new book What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You.

I think it's valuable to put some limits on your teens tech while also insisting, gently, slowly but also insistently, that they go outside - whether to get some messages in the shop for you or to begin a new sport or hobby. This doesn't have to be rushed, more a new way of managing their tech needs to be first on the agneda - certain times of the day when the tech is shut down can be helpful. Then, some exploration into any pursuits that they are willing to do.

It's not easy for the teens of the pandemic. Many of their peers have also taken the decision to stay at home alone and distracted by their tech. The phrase 'you can pull them with a silver string, not push them with an iron bar' comes to mind. Society has led these adolescents to become reliant on technology and averse to social activities and now we parents have to help them Get Back Out.

Thank you, Stella, I’ll get that book and navigate my
way through talking about porn wirh my sons. It’s not the same as the good old days of a magazine, they have seen some horrible stuff.

Yes, @MarquessofPembroke I do think TikTok, Snapchat, Insta and social media in general has a negative impact on girls. The culture has taught them that they will recevie more social validation by sticking their tongue out, pouting in a sexualised manner, or sexualising their body in a pose. They didn't start this - our society and our media started it and they responded. I too would not like to be a teenager today, i think it's very hard on them.

Hi @RomanticizingHeroine it can be helpful to consider what has worked in the past to de-stress your child. Some people are very physical - maybe he might benefit from going for a run? A hot bath? His favourite dinners? While others find more value in a cognitive or emotional approach such as talking about what is going right and what is going wrong; help with a plan. Many students benefit a great deal in the run up to the exams if the adults in their lives begin speaking in a realistic manner about how life is in the long-term. This could involve talking about how many of us - for example you and their other parent probably worked at loads of different jobs and how gaining experience is the job for the 20s. This could give them a more long-term perspective. It isn't madly helpful to become focused on the idea that there is one great career out there for them - these days it is very likely that our kids will get stuck into a range of different careers over the span of their working life. these sort of conversations can often open up the tense grip the over-anxious student has on their exams.

Thank you so much, Stella!

Thank you so much Stella <3

Hi Stella,
Hopefully I'm not too late. Many detransitioners said they were never told they had mental health issues before the therapists adviced them to do hormone therapy/surgeries to solve their problems. I have a 18 yo son who has OCD, depression, anxiety and ADHD. He has tried several medications for his OCD, depression and anxiety but none of them worked. He had therapy sessions with different psychologist, psychiatrist and social workers and all of them did not work out (They are either neutral or gender critical). He's currently taking stimulant for his ADHD. He hasn't changed his mind about HRT since he came out four years ago and said he will soon start taking estrogen. If we were able to keep his mental illness under control, does that mean he would have a higher chance of desisting/detransition? What would be the relationship between mental health issues and trans ideology? Thank you.

Thanks, Stella.

I'm interested in what you said uptrend about is "fetishizing" children. Please could you elaborate.

Hi @MarquessofPembroke , perhaps I should have used another word. There are two meanings to 'fetishising' - 1. make (something) the object of a sexual fetish. and 2. have an excessive and irrational commitment to (something). I meant the second meaning. Our extraordinary ott devotion to children at the moment has meant that many parents dismiss the importance of their own well-being in favour of pleasing their kids. This doesn't work out because it is more damaging for children if their parents' mental health is negatively impacted.

Sorry, Stella, I should have worded my question more clearly (and checked for typos!) - I wasn't suggesting you were using meaning (1) of the word.

I completely agree with you and I certainly unnecessarily prioritised my one child's wellbeing over my own at times. At they prepare to leave for uni, I'm thinking "OK... but what about me?"

Sounds pathetic, I know.

Hi @Anniesmith222 , not too late at all! Although many detransitioners were not aware of their other mental health issues and yet many were aware and still proceeded with medical transition.

You asked two questions: 'If we were able to keep his mental illness under control, does that mean he would have a higher chance of desisting/detransition?' Sadly it is very difficult to know anything about who will desist and/or detransition. We just don't have any reliable data to refer to so no one can say. We do know that people who seem to be obsessed or fixated upon a certain goal benefit from being helped to move beyond this with mind expanding pursuits, hobby, events, and/or travel. The idea is to provide rich opportunities for the possibility of broader thought processes. Almost anything that engages a person's interest that is not related to the object of their obsession is helpful.

What would be the relationship between mental health issues and trans ideology? Again, we don't have any reliable research about trans ideology per se, however we do know that there are many established links between medical transition and other co-morbidities such as autism, OCD, ADHD and eating disorders. We also know from the research that there are links between autism and activism - the hyper-fixation and single-minded focus makes this quite understandable.

In the meantime, it might be valuable for you to look to the future and consider what you believe you need to have done or said to ensure that you have done/said everything you could have to help. Then at least you can hopefully sleep at night knowing you did your best and sometimes there are forces out there that are bigger than we can handle. Best of luck with everything.

Nah, it doesn't sound pathetic. It's the resounding message from society to parents: shut up and put up! I really hope you get the opportunity to focus on your own life and well-being.

Thank you, Stella.

I don't have a question that I can distill into one or a few questions. I have a daughter who identifies as a man and I wanted to thank you for all your work in this area. I have been finding your substack, podcasts, books and other work invaluable. You have been a voice in the wilderness for parents dealing with this and I always feel calmer and stronger after listening to you on the topic. Thank you!!!

Thank you for the recommendations Stella.

Awww thanks @Demented101 that's lovely to hear. I hope everything works out for you and your family xxx

Hi Stella, could you help me to understand the best way to identify an appropriate therapist for one of my mid-teen kids? She has just had an ADHD (inattentive) assessment, but has also articulated that she sometimes feel suicidal (very hard for me to write that down!!) and desperate. She's asked to see a counsellor/ therapist. We've talked about it and she seems to mainly want someone completely unrelated to her day to day life to talk to and, I suppose, tell things she can't bear to reveal to family or friends. She's said she's worried she has BPD.

What kind of therapist should I be seeking for her, and how to find "the one"? (I'm in Leinster for info, but hopefully if you're able to answer this Q, it'll be generic enough to help other parents and their kids).

Thanks so much

Stella may i please be cheeky and ask a second question - and one which may be some way out of your wheelhouse - do you see similarities between puberty blockers and HRT? Wondering if I’m, while gratefully taking my HRT, postponing a difficult but essential transition into the next phase of life.

@Fullyhuman I'm very interested to hear what Stella has to say about that but I thought I'd just jump in as I had a conversation about exactly that with my (very GC) mum a while back. Her thoughts were that she would only be taking HRT until her menopause symptoms stopped, and then she would stop taking it - her GP had said about 5 years and then to start tapering off, because the HRT treats the symptoms of menopause, but it doesn't stop it happening.

In that sense, it's far more like the way puberty blockers were originally meant to be used for very young children going through precocious puberty - to improve well being during a short period of time when there are real and abnormal negative physical symptoms, but crucially to come off them again when the body "catches up" and is able to cope without them again.

The difference with using puberty blockers on an otherwise healthy teenaged body is that the body will never "catch up" without further medical intervention (cross-sex hormones).

But we can take it forever, they say now! Enjoy strong bones, functioning vagina etc until death!

Hi @Ringsender2 , the uptick in the number of diagnoses, especially among children and teens, has led to many young people to think of their distress within a clinical framework. While this can be very helpful sometimes, there is a downside as it can externalise the issue as being something outside them; part of their diagnosis, apart and unresolvable.

Psychologists tend to think of clinical distress in the context of the clinical diagnosis while psychotherapists think of it in terms of the problems of living. I think a warm, relatable psychotherapist would be best for your daughter. Someone she can talk to quite easily, and meet easily too,without a long drive as this can heighten things. Research shows us that it's the relationship between therapist and client that matters most and I don't think it's necessary for your child to see an ADHD specialist as this could entrench this clinical self-perception and identity.

It would be ideal if you took a light approach to therapy, kind of like, let's try this out and keep trying till we find a therapist relationship you're happy with. Therapy is very like teaching; one person's great teacher is another person's dreadful teacher, the same goes for therapists and so it's worth it to be open to trying a few, slowly, over a period of time.

Suicide is such a terrifying subject that I think it's worth it for parents of distressed teens who mention suicide to go on a suicide prevention course. These courses (eg Assist) are easily available and often free and when you are more informed you will feel much more equipped to handle suicidal ideation or even suicidality.

Best wishes with everything, she's lucky to have such an engaged mother.

Wow @Fullyhuman I hadn't thought of that comparison and it's a very interesting point.

Certainly, I have noticed this growing tendency to encourage women to retain their sex drive when perhaps the healthier response would be to come to terms with the fact that our libido can ebb and flow and this is the natural process of life.

Yet so many women's lives seem to be enhanced by hrt and I haven't seen the equivalent happen with puberty blockers. Menopause appears to be physically very difficult while the difficulty with puberty is arguably more emotional than physical.