I had my first baby at 14 years old AMA

[Mumat14ama]

As the thread title really, I know lots of people will ask why, so I’ll just say, I was in a relationship with someone a bit older than me, he would buy me fags and alcohol, I didn’t have anyone else and was bullied horrendously at school - grew up somewhere not very diverse so my mixed race heritage made me the perfect target for bullies.

Even though I didn’t want to, I did eventually agree just to shut him up. Silly and naive of me, but I did gain a lovely son out of it.

In RL a lot of people say, “you don’t look old enough to have a child that age” I usually just respond by saying “No, I’m probably not” and leave it at that

I’m 31 now and my ds is 17, and although people are kind enough to not say anything, I can’t help but wonder how I’m judged.

So ask away.

Funnily enough, I started getting taken seriously once I was married and changed my title to Mrs, when I was 20. It could’ve just been that I was older, but to me, it always felt like it was being married that changed everything.

@Mumat14ama Completely anecdotal but I suspect it was more your age. I helped my mum a lot with my sister and took her to many appointments, translated etc. My concerns didn't get taken seriously until I was 20/21.

Define normal.
I had a Christmas temp job and we met there.
He’s been my rock, he supports me, he has always treated me as equal to him, he does breakfast in bed, will run me a bath. Likewise I’ll do the same for him.
He’s taught me so much and we love and respect each other.
He doesn’t have much time for my family as he’s of the opinion that they neglected me, and now I’m doing well for myself he thinks they use me.

I always wonder how people who have children in their teens cope with the judgement. I looked after my niece a lot when I was a student. Her parents were young too and I was happy to help. I had he on a bus one day and a woman behind us said "look at that, mother and child both like they've been dragged through a hedge backward."

I was so annoyed. Yes we had mad frizzy hair, but we have the same curly frizz prone hair and it was drizzly. We were washed, dressed well etc. She was sitting on my knee babbling and smiling and looking like a wee cherub, but that was her thought. And I was 19. I dread to think what a 14 year old mother must encounter and hats off to you for even asking ama.

It’s not just about him not knowing about him though, that thrown in with the circumstances around his conception makes it worse. It wasn’t a loving relationship and we were at it like rabbits.
He worked for my mums husband, my mum decided to leave me and dsis at home while her and her new husband went off to a casino in the middle of the night.
I was fast asleep in my bed, not a clue that mum had gone out, but he knew and that’s why he turned up at home.
When I tell him he needs to know the whole truth, not just half of it.
Tbh he probably is ready to be told now, and he was emotionally ready in the last 18months, but dropping that on him during GCSEs wasn’t an option for me.

You might think it’s a drip feed, but this was about me becoming a parent at 14, not about ds’ biological father, I didn’t give that information because I felt it wasn’t needed, some pp questioned that and here we are.

The judgement was always worse from strangers, I spent two years getting on two buses each way to school. Ds in his pram and me in my school uniform, I felt everyone’s eyes on me that whole time.
People asking if was mine and then just met with a look of disgust.

I was back at school when he was two weeks old, his childminder was the most lovely compassionate person, as were the health visitors, and eventually when he started school, his teachers too.
People who had got to know us never passed judgement, at least not in front of me, and I never heard any gossip that it happened behind closed doors.

But strangers were the worst.

I am sure. That woman was with another woman and that was the beginning of a conversation saying basically that children raising babies was always going to end up in situations like us. Because hair frizzing is obviously catastrophic for a baby not quite 1 😂

I am sorry you got this kind of reaction. My sister got a lot of it too, and she turned 16 just before dn was born. She was so responsible though. I was older but not wiser, having a wild time in my late teens/early 30's and she was doing everything dn needed. Age does not dictate maturity, experience does.

I’d say that an adult having sex with a child under 16 is statutory rape, regardless of whether they were in a ‘relationship.’ I’m so sorry the police let you down. It wasn’t even that long ago. How/when will you tell your son? He’ll have access to his birth certificate at some point.

Even though they let me down initially, because they didn’t have enough evidence , other than my word and my son, he was arrested and tried on a separate case. He’s in prison and on the sex offenders register now, so it’s justice at least.

I’ve been thinking of telling ds during Easter holidays, how, I don’t know, but I do know I will tell him on my own and nothing less than the whole truth.

Justice! I’m so glad you got justice. Best of luck with telling your son. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it will be for you.

Hi OP, you should be really bloody proud of yourself for building a strong and happy life for you and your children. I'm glad to hear that the man who abused you is behind bars for another case, even if the police let you down on yours.

I'm adopted and hope you don't mind me gently suggesting that you look into some guidance from an adoption charity / other related resources before speaking to your son? It's important he knows and while ideally he would have known sooner, what's done is done so what's important is telling him in the most emotionally safe way possible.

I feel very lucky I always knew so never had a big shock, but some of my adopted friends had a bolt from the blue reveal and it sometimes wasn't managed in the healthiest way. Some professional advice would be really valuable I think. Perhaps even from a charity / resource with experience working with children and adults who have ASD diagnoses.

Just my thoughts

It’s ironic that strangers were judging you at 14 for being a mum, and now strangers are judging you for not telling your son he’s adopted.

No one has the right to judge your decision, I can’t imagine how tough those early years must have been. M

Sounds like you did a great job and I hope it goes well when your son finds out. Don’t forget - this is your trauma too, you were much younger than he is now and dealing with it all on your own so he also shouldn’t be too harsh on you either.

You are clearly a lovely mum op but I also think your son deserves to know the truth, although I'm not sure how you could tell him now without it being a huge shock to him.
We have a 16 year old adopted daughter who has lived with us since birth. A few weeks ago she was contacted on social media by a women who is one of DDs biological siblings.
Her message said "hi, you might not know about me but I'm your eldest sister" before going on to rant about their biological mother and make lots of really nasty (and untrue) claims about her.
I'm so glad DD has always known she's adopted and also knows the truth about her biological mother. I can't begin to imagine how devastated she would have been if she hadn't known.
I feel for you op but I really think you should start to plan how to support your son because secrets very rarely stay secret for ever.

@monsteramunch thank you, and for the advice - hindsight is sometimes wonderful, but in all honesty even if I could turn the clock back, I wouldn’t change anything, there were reasons for those decisions, they’d still be there if I went back in time.

@JimBob61 thank you, I’m glad that your dd knowing young worked out best for her, and you.
In my situation, I thankfully don’t have to worry about ds’s other family making contact, I did try to facilitate a relationship between them and ds. It was such hard work tracking them down as DS bio dad gave me a fake name and I’d never met his family.
ds has an uncle and aunty that are a bit older than me, I gave them my address (DM still lives there) sent them photos and spoke on the phone with them, they made it quite clear that they or their parents wanted nothing to do with ds (because of our religious and cultural differences)
And so this was another reason why he’s never been told, rejection was a massive part of my life, maybe I was projecting, but I didn’t want him to feel the same.

Then his behaviour became very challenging, particularly between 8-14 years, he hated mainstream school, we moved him in year 10 to a STEM school, still mainstream but much smaller and the subjects were engaging for him, once this happened and he started to fully understand his diagnosis was when he was ready to be told, I felt, but GCSEs.

I also didn’t have the benefit of knowledge, wisdom and guidance that could’ve made me understand why it was important for him to know then.

The hospital were great in letting me stay on the ward for a week after his straightforward birth, they taught me how to bath him and just all the basics that I didn’t have the first clue about.

So yes, I was young, dumb and naive, but my circumstances were complicated to begin with, going back in time won’t change that sadly.

I don’t think ds will be as heartbroken as some make out, shocked, yes. But he has turned into a lovely young man, I can’t even put into words how proud I am of him, and me actually for raising such a wonderful human being.

Its weird writing all of this down, it’s not something I speak about to anyone, and when I think of all that I’ve been through, I can’t actually imagine another 14 year old going through so much, it doesn’t really sound believable, maybe because it’s not talked about unheard of.

The police didn't do anything wrong, the OP wasn't supportive of a conviction at the time and it's virtually impossible to get a rape case without a victim.

It was the CPS who made the decision to NFA later on, not the police.

I wouldn't judge you at all. I judge the man that did this.

That is not the whole truth though and is a very poor omission from his knowledge. It just makes it so much more likely that there will be a lot of distress for him in the future.

Everyone is entitled to know the truth of their origins.

Since this thread has been unburied, I’ll update.

DS was told last year, I was honest with him, told him my reasons for not telling him. He was very mature about it, he currently has no interest in seeking a relationship with his bio father. He’s as close to his dad and siblings as he ever was. Thanked me for raising him and giving him life even though I was so young.

Hes turned out to be a lovely young man and I’m very proud of him, he has some learning difficulties, but we’ve educated him as much as we can about them so he navigate through adulthood.

So pleased things have turned out well for you and your son, OP. I read your thread with interest. Wishing you all the best.

You are a wonderful woman and deserve loads of respect.

The haters (about adoption reveal) on here need a good slap to put some sense into them!! Honestly they are talking nonsense and should be blocked. Talk about victim blaming fgs!! Idiots.

My mum was a single mum and I felt the full force of "single mothers" being the scourge of society when in fact it was the fault of the dubious men who impregnated them, ran off and got away Scott free from any responsibility and commitments.

It is a travesty of justice in my mind.

You got all the very hard work and you get the honour and reward of bringing up a safe and happy family! 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

You are an absolute heroine.

And a total inspiration!!

Love and respect xxxx

^This.

Well done OP you sound incredible

Did you ever feel any jealousy about older mums in terms of how differently they were treated? As in how negative some people are towards teenage parents vs their happiness for older parents?

I find it absolutely appalling that you let your son think his Dad is his biological father for so many years.

@Crazycatlady79you really live up to your name. Trying to kick a young woman when she has opened up her heart. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF 🙀