I'm a domestic abuse worker AMA

[DVAMA]

I recently left frontline work but am still in the broader field.

Am doing this as I see a lot of abuse related stuff on the relationships board.

Ask me anything!

@YnysMonCrone

Go for it, best of luck 💐

I bet you think you’re being terribly impressive.

You’re not.

Though you won’t read this, because you’re logging off and not responding to Mumsnet emails, aren’t you?

@DVAMA is it normal to feel guilt after you get police involved?

My husbands family have cut me off completely after my husband was given a caution for domestic abuse

It's been a few weeks since he was cautioned, and not once have any of them checked in on
Me to see how I'm doing. I get that he's their son, but I struggle to comprehend how they can just get on with things and not even show consideration for myself and our son

It actually makes me really sad. Had I known the implications of it, I honestly think it would make me think twice about reporting it

I don't know if this thread is still going on, but I'd like to know what makes people realise they are in abusive relationships? It took me many years to finally see it and accept it. When do people "snap"?

Me too. I know how I kept rationalising that I wasn't in an abusive relationship, and am curious to know how much common ground there is. For example I often recognise it in threads here: a general self-doubt, compounded by elevating his feelings and thoughts above your own, an acceptance that marriages tend to be a bit shit anyway, etc.

Curious to know what recurrent themes you have observed over the years, OP.

How is the help you provide any different when you consider the partners to both be mutually abusive? in fact how can you come to that conclusion? do mutually abusive partners manage to do a good job of concealing it?

@Username112233

Sorry for the delay! So sorry to hear about the guilt you were experiencing. Women experience numerous incidents before finally reporting - its a huge step to take, so well done in doing so. I think guilt is a likely a big factor for the delay - and later many decline to press charges. Such guilt is likely also a symptom of the abuse you have experienced, if you were made to feel like everything is your fault, your self esteem attacked, and our wider societal culture of victim blaming. Have you done the freedom program? It explores some of these issues, and you can hear the stories of other women.

I'm sorry his family reacted in that way. There could be many reasons why they did so - they might be in denial, he could have told them all sorts. But of course that doesn't excuse it and you still did the right thing.

Hope you are feeling better

@whatwouldAnnaDelveydo

@Alcemeg

In my experience, there is a difference between rationalising on a cognitive level that you really were in an abusive relationship, and really processing it.

Survivors will often reach out to services when it all becomes too much, when they are really struggling. This may be after 30 years, or it could be after a matter of weeks. I'm not sure if there is one point when people 'snap', but statistically victims are likely to have experienced numerous incidents before reporting. But even then, they may be apologetic, unsure whether what they have experienced is really abuse. Research has shown that women often tend to minimise what they have experienced.

Processing, accepting, is a longer term journey I think. The experience means that not only do women lose trust in others, but more importantly, some will lose trust in themselves. Processing often comes with self-doubt and self-blame - 'how could I have got into that situation? How could I have become a victim of an abusive relationship?' The in turn triggers some denial again. 'Well maybe it wasn't all that bad'.

Again, I think the freedom program is important because it is so educational and informative. Women may feel nervous about starting it. They think their experience won't be 'as bad' as others, especially if abuse was around coercive control rather than physical abuse. But it teaches us the different ways that perps can abuse, the different personas they can take, and allows us to hear others' experiences. It examines what perps believe, where these beliefs come from, and what we may internalise. It teaches us that the key to abusive relationships is power and control. I believe that hearing others' experiences, and emphasising with them, makes people more able to emphasise with ourselves.

These are just my personal thoughts and experiences!

Best of luck to both of you on your journey

@DVAMA

Thank you for posting this thread. I'm recently out of a DA relationship. Police and woman's aid involved. Wasn't enough to charge originally as it was just what I'd told them. However over the festive period I've just just snapped due to yet another incident.

Have you had any instances where offenders have actually been charged and held accountable? I'm now at the stage where I'm thinking of going back to the police with texts, phone calls and pictures as evidence. I'm going to speak to my solicitor and WA case worker about what to do going forward.

Do you think doing this is a pointless exercise? I'm just so sick of it all.

Thanks, OP, it took me many years to figure out I was in a domestic violence situation. We make an unbelievable amount of mental gymnastics so we don't have to see it. I feel ashamed thinking "how did I get myself in this situation?"

We need everyone to know how it works, thanks for your work!

Just to echo what @whatwouldAnnaDelveydo said ^

Thanks for your response, OP, and for the excellent work that you do.

I was assaulted which was prosecuted by the CPS. Court was the most horrendous retraumatizing experience , magistrates, I fell apart, he lied, case dismissed.

He continues to abuse via a shared asset. I no longer have contact, my solicitor deals with it. I am financially struggling at present and I know he's abused me financially over the property ( the asset ).

I know what he's doing has done is criminal but very under the radar.

I'm just trying to get away

@DVAMA
What is the threshold for getting an occupation order? I read on the NCDV website that there has to be recent physical violence or threat of physical violence... does that mean that in cases of emotional/financial abuse (with no recent physical or sexual abuse) an occupation order is not likely to be granted?