I Have Borderline Personality Disorder AMA

[LadyInParis]

So, there are so so many misunderstandings and lack of information on this disorder. Some think it’s less bad than it is, some think it makes us the devil himself! I’m curious as to what you would want to know about my personal experience with this disorder, and to answer some questions so.. Feel free! (Ps this feels so weird and self centered but I’m currently lay in bed in Paris with no friends and in lock down and I don’t speak the language well and my mood isn’t too good, so I thought perhaps a dialogue and talk about this may help me feel a little more, well, useful I guess. And something to focus on that isn’t the entire home I have to clear out and clean and declutter and decorate!) AMA

@ladyinparis. The GO who diagnosed her does have an interest in LD and psychiatry. He did refer her to CAMHS who discharged her agent almost 3 years on the waiting list!
I’m hoping that now she is an adult, the queue will be a bit less

GO is of course GP

Hi

I’m a mental health social worker. I do some care coordinator work and some mental health act assessments.

You seem to have a really good understanding of yourself and your experiences which is great.

Something I find hard in my job is that pretty much everyone who comes to me wants the help they receive to look like a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and medication to fix the difficulties. A lot of people then feel intensely rejected when I have conversations about the limited role of medication but the importance of psychological therapy. I’m not always sure the diagnosis is helpful - the permanence of labelling and the stigma it attracts can outweigh the persons benefit from therapeutic approaches if they do not engage with the psychological aspects of treatment.

I suppose my question is how you found this pathway? What was helpful and unhelpful from professional? We’re you always looking for therapy or did you initially seek medication based treatment? And if so, what led you to move away from that pathway?

Thank you for considering answering my question, you don’t have to answer if it’s uncomfortable for you but if you do it will help me to help others 🙂

@Incrediblytired

Thank you for your post- you’re very much right re this-

Something I find hard in my job is that pretty much everyone who comes to me wants the help they receive to look like a diagnosis from a psychiatrist and medication to fix the difficulties. A lot of people then feel intensely rejected when I have conversations about the limited role of medication but the importance of psychological therapy. I’m not always sure the diagnosis is helpful - the permanence of labelling and the stigma it attracts can outweigh the persons benefit from therapeutic approaches if they do not engage with the psychological aspects of treatment.

Took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that psychiatrists and professionals are not magic and are not disorder taker awayers!! At the moment I’m in a bit of crisis, rather serious (perhaps my reply here is a good thing, meaning my subconscious is seeking other pathways and distractions etc)

But I’ll answer more when I am better.

@Mydogisagentleman I’m sorry about your experiences, it can be a minefield a total mind field and I wouldn’t wish the process on my worst enemy but in time you’ll have clarity and support just keep plugging at it. I have an interest in these things too (kind of have to given the fact I need the knowledge) but doesn’t mean gp is correct just because of an interest sadly. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but your daughters health is far more important than a doctors “interest” and you should seek others opinions in my view (the 3 year waiting? Why has the gp done that?)

Sorry, bit in crises myself atm. It’s not all fun and games I forgot how it can just crash on you like this and it is awful. I will come back I promise

Meant to say this in particular:

I’m not always sure the diagnosis is helpful - the permanence of labelling and the stigma it attracts can outweigh the persons benefit from therapeutic approaches if they do not engage with the psychological aspects of treatment.

As, although it has helped me gain some clarity, it does then become “who am I? Am I a person with borderline personality disorder or am I the disorder itself?” With this kind of disorder already confusing thinking on self identity etc, it can be hit and miss with a diagnosis. Helpful, but overwhelming.

I suppose my question is how you found this pathway?

As above I knew from a young age something was wrong. Was laughed out the doctors office near enough. Finally age 20 ish at uni new doctor, referred to psychiatrist who diagnosed me as bipolar disorder type 2 (specifically cyclothymia) with major depression and severe anxiety. Given all kinds of meds, the last ones were a mix of quetiapine and mitazipine (sure i spelt that wrong!) it wasn’t helpful for me, none of the meds were. Last time I saw a psychiatrist in England she absolutely made me feel horrific and treated me terribly so I stopped the meds and never went again. (NHS)

What was helpful and unhelpful from professional?

To be totally honest? Just to be listened to. Understood. Felt like I had support. Meds weren’t too helpful for me though diazepam does help sometimes with the anxiety. Talking helps. Therapy for sure over meds any day. What wasn’t helpful I don’t know it’s hard to say it has been a long journey and short of saying “don’t be a dick” like my previous experiences (I’m sure you’re not haha!) all I can say is that it’s a journey and some things are helpful and some aren’t, and it’s not your responsibility to get it right immediately but the responsibility of you and your clients to work as a team and keep at it until you get there whether meds work for some and not others. For me I would have found it more helpful to have had consistent psychiatric care; ie one psychiatrist who knows my history and would be honest with me by telling me it’s a long and hard journey but we will work through every option until you feel better. Then do that. I kept slipping through their nets despite my own best efforts to get help.

We’re you always looking for therapy or did you initially seek medication based treatment? And if so, what led you to move away from that pathway?

What led me away was all the above I suppose. I wasn’t looking for anything specific. I just wanted help and to know what was going on. When I went to see a psychiatrist again I finally got rediagnosed and now I find therapy better and I don’t take meds unless it’s diazepam on occasion if needed for my anxiety. I was happy to listen to the professionals re meds versus therapy in the beginning but I’m happy now with my therapy and only emergency meds.

Thank you for considering answering my question, you don’t have to answer if it’s uncomfortable for you but if you do it will help me to help others 🙂

Re this on a personal level, as I said above meds versus therapy is a personal thing. But professional to service user? Keep your clients engaged, informed, be positive but honest about their diagnosis, try to be the constant for them as much as you can. Ask them what they want, where they see themselves being and make lists together and plans for that. Stay with them and don’t let them slip through the net. Apart from that, plus the above I can’t think of much more you can do but I hope I was of some help. You sound a great therapist for what it’s worth. What you said about the expectations etc: tell them that. Be honest and tell them you can’t make it go away but you can help them manage it and live a happy life. If anything for me it’s the honesty- I much more appreciate honesty above all else. I respond well to it as it is clear and manages my own expectations too. I hope was helpful anyway

I always wonder if my mum had BPD. Dad used to think she had bipolar. Maybe it was just easier for us to hope she had a medical reason for being so vile. Maybe she was just a horrible person.

Unlike you OP she showed no insight into her behaviour....that it wasn’t normal. I’m not sure if it’s common for people,with BPD to think they’re normal/perfect and everyone else are the ones causing problems. Even when she was having crazy mood swings, smashing the house up, beating me up as a child, stabbing my dad. A previous poster mentioned about starting a fight in an empty rooom and that was very much my mum. I’m glad you have understanding relatives OP.

Hi Op , I very strongly suspect my dd has BPD , she agrees too . She’s having counselling at the moment but I don’t think she’s telling the therapist the truth. I have read about DBT and spoken to a Psychiatryst at the Tavistock hospital about it, he said that it’s most effective when done in groups along with individual sessions. How can I find a good dbt therapist because a lot of them say they are DBT trained when in fact they’re not really, they’ve only read about it.
I’m at my wits end most days , dd’s outbursts are horrific , I’m exhausted from walking on eggshells. I’m also scared for her as she has no friends.

@Covidcorvid I’m sorry that sounds awful. I had similar experiences (though my mother was kind but had many things I suspected linked to some kind of disorder, and she killed her self aged 29.) sick of being beaten by my stepdad apparently and couldn’t leave him etc etc. So I sympathise but when I look back it’s searching for answers that lead me down those kinds of roads- did she have bipolar, borderline, something else. It gives an explanation and a feeling of closure to put a name to something that was so traumatic for you to see and be on the receiving end of. Especially a parent. But in the end of it all, I would say it doesn’t really matter does it? Whether she was sick, or just cruel? Maybe part of moving on for you can be trying to just accept it as is without excuses for her. Or if you really feel she was tormented by mental health problems, forgive her in your mind. And try to live a better life? I’m sorry if it sounds stupid what I’m saying. I don’t mean to sound glib either. Trust me I understand it’s all easier said than done! I sympathise and can understand. I remember once seeing my mum being wheeled out by paramedics throwing up the pills she has just tried to overdose on. I think I was probably 11? At the time. It’s hard not to look back and wonder. But it’s not helpful to you As for borderline and people having insight- it really is dependant on many things. Having the self intelligence (and strength) to look truly at yourself and see the behaviour you’re expressing, how you hurt others etc that’s all very hard. Having the emotional stability to do so. The desire to get better. The actual intelligence to understand on a deep level. Especially if other issues are present ie dependency issue, other mental health issues, support or lack of, etc. So someone could have it and not really know if all conditions are ripe to create that environment I suppose. She sounds poorly to me one way or another as I’m sure she didn’t dream of hurting her children when she was a child playing dolls, or just married and carrying you. Something went wrong somewhere but I guess that’s just one other opinion isn’t it. I hope you find peace.

@FossilisedFanny I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t say whether or not she has it or not or anything at all in fact. What you need to do from here is go to the gp and get a referral; get a diagnoses if she has one. If so, ask the doctor if medication will help until such time as she’s calm enough to let the therapy help her. What she chooses to share during therapy is really really (I can’t stress this enough) realllyyyyyy her business and I know that sounds awful to say to you; but I think you sound like you want her to admit to her behaviour or something like that? Or not deny it? As it would help you. And I understand that but- the therapist will not go in with accusations of her past or current behaviour. Nor is it necessarily helpful for you daughter to use her therapy to go into details on that either it could make her worse. What she could be doing (since she’s actually going to therapy) is using it as a safety net. Waiting until she feels safe with the therapist. I used to do the same until I could finally open up honestly. I’d talk about all kinds of shite in therapy but not the hard stuff. It took me some time when I was younger. It will be similar for her. Let her have her therapy for her and if she’s lying or not talking or talking about useless things like I used to- let her have it if it’s something that is becoming her safe space and in the meantime get a referral and an actual diagnosis. Then you can go from there. She may well be so angry because she has no answer or reason for these intense strong feelings so perhaps just an answer in its own right will help her settle a bit. It helped me. It settled me because then I thought “ahhh riiiighttt.. now it all makes sense”. I hope I helped and I hope I don’t sound like I’m critical of you or anything- I’m really not being. Just suggesting that therapy be her thing for now. It’s clearly helping her if she’s still going. Don’t have DBT until you have a diagnosis. Be careful of dodgy docs. Get a referral and a diagnosis and then the psychiatrist will give you a list of accredited DBT therapists. Keep on with your daughter. I’m sure it means the world to her- I had nobody. So keep on. But be kind to you too! If you’re not ok then you’re kids aren’t gonna be ok. Do things just for you. Small treats and things that feel nice. Remind yourself you deserve it for being a great parent! This too shall pass

Thank you so much for replying to me so fully. I really have valued listening to your experiences and answers. I’m sorry that I asked at time you were in crisis and I hope I didn’t trigger this in anyway with my questions.

I agree with you on consistent care. Staff turnover is so high amongst care coordinators and sometimes psychiatrists that it can be so unhelpful. Psychologists tend to remain in their posts more long term!

Glad to hear you think it is approaches similar to mine that have helped you and thank you again for the feedback

No I think it helped really. It gave me a separate direction to go in- diversion. Which is good! I find that if I have that then I can move from crisis point (or going into full severe psychotic episodes) to a somewhat calmer mood. It depends on me and the situation really. If that makes sense so you didn’t make anything worse.

I’m glad it was helpful, this has been my experience. I need no nonsense, honest, to the point, but kind with it, doctors and psychiatrists; who are there through the experience (not seeing diff ones every time - that is so harmful!) and who listen to me. You sound great to me that you care enough to ask online. Many doctors I met in the early years didn’t care to listen for ten minutes face to face when I was bandaged up from slitting my wrists so.. Keep doing what you’re doing! You sound a caring person and that’s great

I agree with you on consistent care. Staff turnover is so high amongst care coordinators and sometimes psychiatrists that it can be so unhelpful. Psychologists tend to remain in their posts more long term!

I’m glad for this. I think I was unlucky in the borough I was in it was shite. Then years later I had a terrible experience full on psychotic break and was in Blackpool at the time. And during the first of Covid stuff, and they were amazing! Truly. Was only for a short time, as I came back to Paris but it got me thinking if I was in the borough where I was in Blackpool if I would have had better care earlier on. But this you said is very true! It’s so important to have consistent care but turnover is high.

I have DD just diagnosed and her relationship with my husband is ending our marriage
It's so hard being between them but at the end of the day I have to side with my daughter

How have your family coped with your actions and diagnosis