I'm an adoptive parent AMA

[IThinkIJustShatMyself]

Hi, since it's national adoption week I thought I'd do an ask me anything in case anyone has any questions?

That's so sad, difficult all round really. I knew some foster carers once who said that fostering a new born was the most painful thing that they've ever done. Difficult for you too though as it leaves you with uncomfortable memories.
If the twins had a new sibling would you consider a second adoption?

I’m not sure whether I’m asking a question or not

I know your not able to share the reason why your children were adopted. It was crush me if anyone hurt my child.
It must be devastating knowing the history of your children, how do you cope with this? Has their previous situation (trauma) had an effect on them?

Do you believe in adoption after the process or do you believe that there are other options to keep families together. Especially based on the percentage of children that end up back in the care system due to adoption break downs etc.

Great, thread OP. I am also an adopter and very proud of my gorgeous boys.

Hope you don't mind me jumping on the thread but our kids' sws were great, ours patchy and both foster carers jaw droppingly awesome.

Eva- my foster careers were lovely and we still keep in touch I feel like they raised my children for me and because of that it's important that my children can have that continuity for their future growth. I honestly don't know how anyone fosters. My foster family told me the hardest bit is knowing a baby is going back to a family that neglected them enough for the child to be removed. At least if they were adopted then they were safe
I would love to have more, if I had the money I'd have loads of kids! If it happens then it's something I'll discuss with social services. They often have an adoption support fund that they can use to keep siblings together so that could help. It's something I'd have to think about when it happened though

Leo- my children were removed at birth due to their birth parents histories. Dad was already in jail and birth mum had a history of drug and alcohol abuse and choosing bad partners (domestic abuse). At the moment there is no sign of trauma to them, but it's something I look for all the time. I second guess everything questioning if it's a result of their start or just something that happens to them. I'm dreading telling them about it but desperate to be as open and honest as I can be for their understanding. I expect there will be some fall out when they get older and fully understand what happened, I just need to build the strongest possible bond with them now

Thanks. Great answer

Pug- yes I massively believe in adoption. I think birth parents are given so many opportunities, at the expense of the child's welfare, to fix the situation. There is no way of avoiding the trauma of removing a child from its birth family, and no way of preventing the damage that can be caused even when a child is still in the womb. I'm not an expert, but in my experience we need more education for teachers dealing with adopted and looked after children, a stronger knowledge of attachment disorders and a better system of support in place for adoptive parents.

Hi Barbados! I think it's just down to luck when it comes to SW isn't interested? There seems to be a lot of job turnover so it's like a lottery!

Adoptive parent of 10+ years here (elder was 8, younger 2).

I think that adoption is often the 'least bad' option for some children. It gives permanence which is good, but the poor years leading to them going into care have ongoing effects.

In our case we had 8 years of smoothness, but when eldest hit 16 we got onto a rollercoaster.

I think even in the last 10 years understanding of attachment has moved on, and there is more emphasis on it now than when we went through approval.

Adoptee here.

I just wanted to say thank you for all you have done.

Xx

Hi OP. I am a prospective adopter and was wondering what fears you had about adoption when you were going through the process and whether any of these have materialised?

For me, I think my biggest fear is that my child won't like me, or that I won't be able to forge a bond with them (or worse, I won't like them!)

How does the reality compare to adoptions in TV and books? I get the impression that there are a lot of misconceptions about how it works. Was it what you expected?

• I am a prospective adopter and was wondering what fears you had about adoption when you were going through the process and whether any of these have materialised?

For me, I think my biggest fear is that my child won't like me, or that I won't be able to forge a bond with them (or worse, I won't like them!)*

Hope the OP doesn't mind me jumping on. With my first I was fairly confident we would bond with him but it never occurred to me he would like us! The most beautiful, surprising and profound experience of my life has been watching both of them fall in love with us.

My biggest fears were that all the stuff they warn you about might happen- rejection, behavioural issues etc. I think the only advice is to be aware of what your fears are and explore them. I asked myself what would happen if they rejected us and I realised I would just had to rely on the training and keep committing to them because that is what they need and it is their needs that matter. You need to make sure you know where to go for support too.

How does the reality compare to adoptions in TV and books? I get the impression that there are a lot of misconceptions about how it works. Was it what you expected?

Yep, not at all. Unless it is a British book about the process and there are a few. A lot of what you see on TV is about private adoption in America- young girls relinquishing healthy newborns. Adoption in the UK is about adopting a child from care. So they are, at the youngest, six months old (although 18 months plus is more the norm) and will typically been exposed to substances in utero, neglected or abused which can mean a whole set of issues and difficulties.

As an adoptive parent, when your kids are older, would it upset you in any way if they want to contact their birth parents?
Is it something that you accept will probably/possibly happen? Would you feel rejected?

I’ve been Facebook stalking my BM for a while and putting off making contact. Her health has recently deteriorated and I’m thinking I need to decide one way or the other soon.

One of the things I feel like I need to do first is to get my DM’s blessing to make contact - not that she’d ever say no, but it feels “polite” for want of a better word.

I really don't know how I would feel if my kids wanted to meet bm but it is something you are prepared for in adoption prep and if I needed to put my feelings aside for them, support them and sob on someone else's shoulder I would. They deserve that.

My eldest has direct contact with two of his birth sisters and I see what he gets from that.

Good luck with your decision!

I couldn’t have children due to my health but was also advised that we would be refused because of it.

SAHM. Great area no money issues. But we don’t understand your disability so no.

Hi, there! Were you able to specify that you wanted to adopt a baby? Or what additional needs you felt able to support? Would it count against you if you had said anything other than 'any child'?

millennium For us, we have always assumed that DC1 (now 19) at least will want direct contact at some point as an adult with BM, but she went into care age 6 so has strong memories. We have always said we will support contact when the time comes. We already do indirect (letterbox) contact. She's not quite ready yet though.

However depending on your age, things may be different as e.g. in the 60s it was all meant to be 'clean break' so the BPs and the APs would have had different expectations.

I would hope your APs would understand and not view it as a rejection but more you exploring your roots.

Thanks all ever so much.
It was in the eighties so I guess somewhere between the way things were done in the 60’s and now.
There wasn’t any abuse or nastiness, just circumstances, and I was very young - I can’t remember not being with my DM and DF.

I’m not sure why I’ve delayed it tbh - I guess fear of opening a box that can’t be closed, or something like that.

Hi, there! Were you able to specify that you wanted to adopt a baby? Or what additional needs you felt able to support? Would it count against you if you had said anything other than 'any child'?

Yes, yes and no. You are encouraged to think hard and be very honest about what you think you can cope with. Otherwise it doesn't really work for anyone.

As part of the approval process you discuss with your social worker what age of child you would like to be matched with, for example.

However, what you need to bear in mind (and I say this with no rancour or judgment) is that adoption in the UK is there to find a family for looked after children. It is not there to find a child for adults. So, you can have a very limited matching criteria and find you wait a long time or are never matched.

A lot of local authorities will not take on adopters who are just looking to be matched with white, healthy babies with no issues as that does not reflect the children in their care.

Or what additional needs you felt able to support?

13 years ago we had a massive 'tick list' to complete with columns yes, No, or Maybe. Then a long list of things such as:

Asthma
Sight impairment (anything from glasses to blind)
Bipolar in birth parent
Learning disability in parent
Drug use in utero
Born as a result of rape

We were really encouraged to think about what we could reasonably parent, and also whether we could talk about the life story too.

As a PP said, it is about finding parents for children, not children for parents. Some people are matched straight away, some never - there isn't a queueing system.

Sorry, had a bad work day yesterday and didn't get on last night

Cat- my biggest fear was, and still is, the Unknown. My children might grow up and want to find birth parents, they might inherit things from the birth parents that I don't want them to, they might resent me for 'taking' them. There's so much that might happen and I'll never know if it's a result of them being adopted, or if it would have happened anyway?

Snugly- like Barbados said, it's completely different! It's a very long and draining process, even something as simple as exchanging my report with another social worker can take weeks of negotiations and waiting. There aren't any 'normal' happy healthy babies who have been given up by an altruistic mother. Even children who seem that way on paper will still have the trauma of knowing they are adopted and the effect that can have on them mentally

Millennium- no that wouldn't upset me at all! I already know now that my children will almost certainly want to meet the birth parents one day. There are so many questions that I can't answer for them, and even if there weren't, they will be curious! It's something I had to work out how I would feel about before I adopted. It scares me, they were removed for a good reason, but I consider it to be inevitable

Pasithea- it might be worth contacting a few different local authorities and volunteer agencies. They all seem to have different criteria and some are more open to considering things than others

Quantum- I specified I wanted reasonably healthy, young children. You have to be realistic that children are removed for a reason and there are a lot of unknowns with younger children. However, yes it wasn't an issue when I said that. They'd rather you were honest at the beginning than lie early on and back track later down the line. I can't guarantee this for everyone but it was my experience. Like Under has said, it's about finding a parent to match the child. Adoptive parents' wants are definitely considered to be lower down on the pecking order (as they should be!). There are also a lot more parents than children waiting (or there were when I wen through the process) so they can be a bit more picky. The adoption training course is very detailed and really pushes you to think about what you can handle and can't. It's a very harsh reality to face, but helps put you in a realistic place