I'm in a relationship with someone older than my father AMA

[RoseGardenDreams]

27 year gap to be precise.

Ask away.

Silversun83 avergare for men in the uk is just shot of 80. Which gives him 25 years. So unless they have a baby in the next couple of years (given that you are pregnant for the best part of a year) it's a good possibility.

That's if he lives to the average age. Many don't.

Have you had older boyfriends in the past? Has your partner had much younger girlfriends before?

Do you get jealous when he teaches people your age and younger to drive, knowing that that is how you two met?

Congratulations on finding someone you click with so well!
I'm very open minded so don't see any issue with age gaps.
I'm very sorry to hear about your parents view towards your relationship, it must be hard.
I just can't understand why to them it is worth disowning a child?
I hope you have a long, happy relationship.

Was your relationship with your parents poor anyway, given how they've reacted?

We've never been that close really, and my father has always found faults with previous partners. I'm more upset about my mother giving up on me and my dd - it really fucking hurt.

Have you had older boyfriends in the past? Has your partner had much younger girlfriends before?

My boyfriends have always been older but the age gap has never been more than 5 or so years. DP's ex wife was 10 years younger than him.

Do you get jealous when he teaches people your age and younger to drive, knowing that that is how you two met?

No, not at all. We're both quite open-minded when it comes to talking about people we find attractive and we both flirt with the opposite sex. I trust him 100% not to cheat though.

Charm thanks so much

Age gaps really don't mean anything if you're happy.
I'd qualify that and change it to 'don't mean anything while you're happy'

I say that as the child of an age gap relationship which obviously worked for quite a few years, but the gap became very apparent and then it all turned terribly sour and bitter.

It was awful witnessing it and my childhood was toxic.

I don't understand why people get so anal about age gaps if you're both adults ? I'm so sorry about your father, it's horrible.

Do you get along with his children?

I'm inclined to agree with your dad to be honest. If a man that age went for my daughter there'd be hell to pay. I wouldn't blame you at all, but I would expect the old man to back the fuck off out of respect for a woman in the best years of her life.
He should find someone his own age but he won't because he wants a young body. I'm nearly 40 and wouldn't touch someone your age. It's wrong on his part as the much older party, although I can see how you'd feel secure.
Your friends probably are disgusted in him.
Sorry

I say that as the child of an age gap relationship which obviously worked for quite a few years, but the gap became very apparent and then it all turned terribly sour and bitter.

But you can say that about any relationship that fails, it's not about age per se.

OP I am sad to hear that about your parents. As you say, you're a woman not a girl, and a mother, so it seems very extreme to label your dp a pervert.

To the poster who was worried about their partner dying - DH has terminal lung cancer and is probably going to die in the next few months. It's breaking my heart but cancer is no respecter of age and he could be 30 and dying, it just happens that he is 60. We have had the most amazing life together, 19 years of happiness, so I feel lucky for that.

None

How have his children reacted?

In honesty how much do you think you would do for him personal care wise, where would you draw the line? (Assuming still together in future and you are in good health yourself)

I have a 22 year age gap. My DH is 6 months older than my Dad. They get on great and it's not been an issue for us. I don't see an age gap, we've not had any negative reactions too so I suppose we are lucky like that.

I'm sorry about you and your parents you being happy is all that should matter xx

Rose it's not right that your parents have cut you off. I have a DD your age and although I can't pretend I wouldn't be worried and disappointed, I would not lose contact because of it. I know without doubt it would take me a long time to come to terms with her being with someone in his mid fifties, just being honest here.

My question will sound shallow but here goes...
You will be reaching the prime of your life sexually in your thirties. How will you cope with the fact that your DP at that point, his sexuality will be waning, he could well be suffering from erectile disfunction just as you are in your prime. Does that not worry you? What about when he's 65 or 70 and really not interested in sex, and you are totally the opposite...

I'm so sorry to hear of the breakdown of the relationship between you and your parents. What your dad did is awful!

I'm glad you're happy op, everyone deserves to be happy.

Was he married when you started driving lessons?

DH has terminal lung cancer and is probably going to die in the next few months. It's breaking my heart but cancer is no respecter of age and he could be 30 and dying, it just happens that he is 60.

I am very sorry to hear that. I do take your point. However, as I said, anyone can die at any age. But the odds are massively increased, the older you are.

I'm a lot older than my age men never act there age imo.

I know this is AMA but, god, I hate that stereotype. It is ridiculous. Sure, you're 'more mature' than most people your age and all men are just big man-babies. You do know that this 'you're so much more mature than other girls your age' line is the classic chat-up line that creepy pervs use? I met my DH when he was 22 and I was 24 and he was very mature, hard-working and sensible and still is now, 15 years later. Many young men are. All that stereotype does is give creepy old men an excuse to chat up young women.

For the OP, do you ever think ahead to later in life, when your DP is in his 70s and you're still relatively young? Your relationship is early days, as you say, but the thought would be there at the back of my mind, I have to say. Do you worry you'll just end up as a nurse / carer?

Do you get along with his children?

Yes I do, but we don't really see much of them as they don't live local.

How have his children reacted?

His son handled it much better than his daughter, but they both seem happy for us. Don't get me wrong, I would find it odd if one of my parents started a relationship with someone my age so I completely understand that it must have been difficult for them to grasp at first.

In honesty how much do you think you would do for him personal care wise, where would you draw the line?

It's hard to say because at the moment he's in better shape than a lot of men who are my age. If he became ill and needed my help in terms of personal care then I would do as much as we both felt comfortable with, obviously bearing his dignity in mind. He's still so young and healthy though, I don't need to worry about that for a while

My question will sound shallow but here goes...
You will be reaching the prime of your life sexually in your thirties. How will you cope with the fact that your DP at that point, his sexuality will be waning, he could well be suffering from erectile disfunction just as you are in your prime. Does that not worry you? What about when he's 65 or 70 and really not interested in sex, and you are totally the opposite...

This might surprise some but we have an agreement that if I ever feel unsatisfied (sexually) then I can look elsewhere for sex - as long as it is purely sex and there are no feelings involved. It's not something I can see myself wanting to do but the option is there if I ever wanted to in the future. As I said before, it's not the most typical relationship.

Was he married when you started driving lessons?

No, he had been divorced for 2 years before he met me.

For the OP, do you ever think ahead to later in life, when your DP is in his 70s and you're still relatively young? Your relationship is early days, as you say, but the thought would be there at the back of my mind, I have to say. Do you worry you'll just end up as a nurse / carer?

I do think about the future and what it will be like but it's hard to see DP as an 'old man' because his personality and everything else is just so young and positive - even when he's in his 60s/70s he will still be the same man I fell in love with. I will care for him for as long as we're together but if he ever did need actual care then it wouldn't all be down to me.

As I said, I have no issue with age gaps relationships. Who am I to judge, we all do things that others wouldn't do or find unusual.

But it's statements such as He's still so young and healthy though, I don't need to worry about that for a while and even when he's in his 60s/70s he will still be the same man I fell in love with. make me think people are not thinking clearly.

He isn't 'so young he is approaching pap status. There's no point pretending otherwise or not acknowledging it. Ignoring these things will not help. Its much better to accept it, imo.

People change and as he gets older he will continue my change. Everyone does. Its wether you can change together or at least compromise and find a happy middle when both of you change. That's not just age gap relationships, thats all relationships.

Don't ignore the differences, acknowledge them, maybe think about how you going to deal with them (as much as you can) and then enjoy the time before that happens, if this relationship is what you want.

But you can say that about any relationship that fails, it's not about age per se.

Yes, of course you can generalise, but in this instance I was talking specifics and from my own direct experience.

Regarding personal care, I never thought I would be in that position, mainly because the older folks in my family have never needed any kind of care and all lived independently well into old age (80s and 90s) so wasn't something I considered.

When DH was diagnosed, I struggled with the label of carer, but when it came to actually caring for him (helping him wash and dress, helping him use a portable urinal bottle, dressing his wound post surgery, even spoon feeding him in the first few days after his op) it didn't feel weird, it just became part of life. As he has recovered from surgery and gradually become more independent again, my caring duties are mainly dispensing meds, advocating for him etc and drying his back after a shower, and not so much the dressing and washing, but I know it wont be an issue now, even if I had to help with toileting. I'm not sure I'm expressing that well, but while it can be tiring, I don't find it has changed the way I see DH. He's still him, just sick.

Hi OP.
My SIL is in a relationship with roughly the same age gap as yours she's 27 and he's 55-60. Going from what I have seen from them he is clearly the boss. He is older therefore he knows best, he's a twat, I hate him and refuse to be anywhere near him but for now that doesn't matter

Do you find that because he's older, and maybe more experienced that he has the final say?

Do you think you were looking for a father figure?

I think you sound very naïve, tbh.

Do you think you were looking for "someone" ("anyone") to come and be a father figure/complete your family/give you security, and if it's possible that your rose tinted glasses are being boosted by that desire?

(And also his, to have a pretty young wife etc...)

I was kind of with you till I got to the part about him being happy for you to go elsewhere for sex if you wanted more than he could give, because that sounds more like trophy than love