I'm adopted and have gay parents - ask me anything.

[Broadbeans]

Just that really, jumping on the bandwagon a bit.

I was adopted by my adoptive mother and father as a young child, but from the age of 10 was raised by lesbians. Ask me anything.

Was it a different couple who raised you, or did your adoptive mother enter a lesbian relationship?

Have you grown up feeling secure and loved?

@hungryhippie my adoptive mother entered into a lesbian relationship (it all gets a bit confusing I'm afraid - I'll try to be as clear as possible!)

Have you felt the urge to make contact with your biological parents? If yes, would it change the relationship with your adoptive parents ie will they still be considered your real parents, full stop? ( hope that makes sense). Also, do you find you have much in common with them ?

Were you ever bullied about having gay parents?
Did you accept your mother's relationship straight away or did it cause issues?

@shockers loved, very much so.
My stepmother (my adoptive mother's civil partner - for clarity!!) is particularly warm and loving and I'm pleased to have her as a part of my life. She really is wonderful and I'm so glad to have met her.

Secure? Not so much. I felt very insecure, especially as a teenager.
I think at times I bore the brunt of the homophobia - other teenagers at school were more judgemental towards me than my mother's very feminist friends were towards her.
I did suffer a fair amount of trauma from my adoption - it's difficult to pinpoint quite what was a consequence of my adoption and what was because of my mother's sexuality. They both involved feeling very different, and feeling a need to really comply and try to fit in with everyone else.

@starlightjazz I tried to make contact with my birth parents.
My birth father stayed in contact with me until he remarried when I was about 14.
My birth mother always rejected contact (though there was a very outing incident a few years ago, I can't think of any subtle way of describing it though!).

My adoptive mother would be very supportive in me having contact with my birth family (although her views on this may have changed after aforementioned outing-incident!).
My brother had contact with his (different) birth mother, and they have a great relationship.

@hungryhippie yes, unfortunately I was bullied terribly. My brother seemed to fare better in this department, although whether he just kept it more quiet I don't know.
He stayed at our old high school, whereas I moved to a particularly rough one, this may have played some part I guess.
But the bullying was really bad, yes, and the teachers didn't really know how to deal with it as it was new to them.

I dealt with it pretty well at first, although they did keep up the illusion of being "just friends".
I moved straight from being with my mum and dad to with my mum and step-mum, I think a break between would have served me better.
They didn't actually tell us they'd had a civil partnership until over a year later (I was in my late teens), and I've never really forgiven them for that.
I dealt with it worst around age 13 when I suddenly realised they'd been sharing a bed the whole time and that the other kids calling my mum a lesbian weren't just taking the piss - that was a bit of a shock, I can tell you! Talk about cognitive dissonance.

Broadbeans, thank you for this post and your honesty. My two youngest are adopted and I hope they’ll always feel loved too (because they are, so very, very much). I’m sorry you went through so much at the hands (mouths) of other kids. I suspect that their opinions would be completely different now.

@starlightjazz and from what limited information I have about my birth parents, I'm amazed at how much I'm like them.
Musical, athletic and very academic.
My adoptive parents, in the nicest possible way, weren't.

I am nothing like any of my adoptive family, but descriptions of my birth mother could easily be talking about me.
It's crazy.

@shockers it's a bumpy ride, and teenage years will have their challenges I'm sure!
However, I've reached adulthood and have a wonderful husband and beautiful children (and even the stereotypical white picket fence!) - for years I thought this would be unattainable for me, but honestly? I barely think about the past now at all. I was truly about as troubled a teenager as you can imagine, so however hopeless it may seem in a few years time when they're in peak-hormones, there's still every chance they'll live totally blessed adult lives.

That’s a shame your bio dad stopped contact once he remarried. I’m glad you got to discover your real parents though and find out, where you get your talents from.

@starlightjazz there's been a bit of a hoo-ha regarding my records and what I have about my mother all comes from a letter from my social worker.
I'm glad my birth dad kept some contact at first, though I do sometimes think he ought to have considered what his actions might have been upon remarrying before doing so.
I tell a lie, he has written twice since, but only to send pictures of his children (my half siblings I guess, which is odd as they're younger than my children!!).

It does sting a bit that they're at a very naice prep school when I slummed it at a failing special measures comp, teaching myself a-level maths. But I'm pleased he has done well.

Do you still have contact with your adoptive mum and her partner? what kind of relationship do you have?

It sounds like your dad wants to keep some form of contact. Is it his new wife that is the reason for the distance? I just can’t get my head around why he couldn’t maintain contact with you.

Broadbeans, they’re 18 and 19 now and they’re still fab!

You sound absolutely lovely- I’m so glad your life is going well and that you’re happy.

The fact that you started this thread shows that you know your experience might help someone else too.

@shockers I misunderstood, I think I saw "youngest" and imagined 5 year olds!
Hardest bit's done then, or so they tell me. It's lovely to see people recognise the difficulties and show concern for the people they love.
I'm sure your two feel very loved!

My eldest is 30. I’m very old indeed .

@starlightjazz me neither, though I suspect his new wife doesn't know about me.
I suspect it was just never mentioned, then got too late to say anything without seeming like he'd been hiding it, iykwim. That's just conjecture though.

He was quite blunt with the announcements of his other children (and also quite late - he didn't inform me straight afterwards or anything), he always used to ask lots of questions to illicit a reply and there was nothing of the sort here.
It came after nearly 10 years of no contact though, and I'm sure I probably read between the lines too much! Insecurity can do funny things.

I've started a letter to him several time in recent years.

@hungryhippie we still have contact, yes.
I'm not particularly close with them, not for any reason other than we were never really a "family" type of family. Visited cousins and grandparents once a year, that sort of thing! It's funny how much I underestimated how lovely families could actually be until I had my own - visiting relatives was always sold as a chore!

We text a few times a week, meet up a few times a year. More distant than your average family I guess, but for my adoptive family that's positively full-on!

It could very well be the reason why.
I really hope you do finish your letter - why wouldn’t he like knowing you think about him and would like to stay in contact ? and send it to him. Hopefully it might open up the communication again.

DH’s family is very distant and cold as well. But DH doesn’t care because he has someone who loves him, me and you have your own lovely family. Some people are just strange, but it’s all to do with them, it’s their issues and their loss at the end of the day.

@starlightjazz yep, as my adoptive father always used to say - there's nowt so queer as folk. (In this case - quite literally!!).

I probably will soon, I think I've long been deferring the risk of another rejection. I'm definitely at a point of apathy about the situation now though - which does seem the best time to stick ones neck out!

At least you will know where you stand instead of wasting more time wandering.

@starlightjazz thank you.