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Original poster

Thrown off Hinge

139 replies

Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 12:49

I saw a trans woman on my hinge feed with a photo of them holding a "terf tears" cup. I messaged that they should ditch the offensive cup if they want a date. The convo started and I said I wasn't trans exclusionary or radical but didn't think it possible to change sex. I was subjected to the usual aggression and condescension plus links to books about trans journeys. I said I didn't need education on the subject but I sincerely wish you well. This morning I couldn't log in, my account was shut down and was given a link to appeal.
I've emailed to say I've been removed without warning or notification.
They're allowed to kick off whoever they like I assume but is there anything I can do? Surely people on Hinge have varying beliefs...

OP posts:
PrimitivePerson · 12/09/2023 08:24

Flickersy · 12/09/2023 07:50

I think you'd have to give a reason as to why you're reporting that and their support team would react accordingly.

The part OP fell foul of, quite aside from common sense and basic decency, was this part of the rules:

"We encourage Hinge Daters to respect the opinions of others, even when they don't agree with them, and simply skip or remove users they aren't interested in. Commenting or matching with someone with the sole intention of antagonizing them for their beliefs is misaligned with our values of empathy and kindness"

Show quote history

"Sole intention of antagonizing" - well, quite.

EasternStandard · 12/09/2023 08:16

A dating site has different purpose and you can see in their rules it is for dating only not debate

If this tshirt had had another group before the tears part I’d hope someone would report and the image would be taken down / replaced

Just do that, report but don’t engage

Ereshkigalangcleg · 12/09/2023 08:14

This person was deliberately fishing and you took the bait.

YY.

MargotBamborough · 12/09/2023 07:56

WunWun · 12/09/2023 07:49

Nothing would happen unless either of them reported it!

Show quote history

Well yes, that's why I said the other fake user should report it.

To see whether you can get banned just from expressing the view that humans can't change sex as part of a perfectly civilised conversation, or whether it was initiating a conversation with this person for the express purpose of antagonising them that got you banned.

Flickersy · 12/09/2023 07:50

MargotBamborough · 12/09/2023 07:38

Perhaps we should put this to the test. Two Mumsnet users could create fake Hinge profiles and start chatting to each other as though they are interested in a date, then they could just casually start talking about trans rights and one could say, "I support trans people and respect people's right not to be discriminated against due to their gender identity but I don't believe that humans can change sex" and the other could report them to Hinge and see what happens.

I think you'd have to give a reason as to why you're reporting that and their support team would react accordingly.

The part OP fell foul of, quite aside from common sense and basic decency, was this part of the rules:

"We encourage Hinge Daters to respect the opinions of others, even when they don't agree with them, and simply skip or remove users they aren't interested in. Commenting or matching with someone with the sole intention of antagonizing them for their beliefs is misaligned with our values of empathy and kindness"

WunWun · 12/09/2023 07:49

MargotBamborough · 12/09/2023 07:38

Perhaps we should put this to the test. Two Mumsnet users could create fake Hinge profiles and start chatting to each other as though they are interested in a date, then they could just casually start talking about trans rights and one could say, "I support trans people and respect people's right not to be discriminated against due to their gender identity but I don't believe that humans can change sex" and the other could report them to Hinge and see what happens.

Nothing would happen unless either of them reported it!

WunWun · 12/09/2023 07:48

Justwrong68 · 12/09/2023 07:14

Boiled down: I was banned for saying sex is immutable. Regardless of who I said it to or what platform, or how entitled you think I am; this is where we are now.

This isn't even vaguely true. The app is for dating, nothing else. You had no business messaging them at all. That's why you were banned.

MargotBamborough · 12/09/2023 07:38

Perhaps we should put this to the test. Two Mumsnet users could create fake Hinge profiles and start chatting to each other as though they are interested in a date, then they could just casually start talking about trans rights and one could say, "I support trans people and respect people's right not to be discriminated against due to their gender identity but I don't believe that humans can change sex" and the other could report them to Hinge and see what happens.

Flickersy · 12/09/2023 07:28

Justwrong68 · 12/09/2023 07:14

Boiled down: I was banned for saying sex is immutable. Regardless of who I said it to or what platform, or how entitled you think I am; this is where we are now.

No, you were banned for attacking another user. A dating app is not the place to seek out debate, even if that really was your genuine intention.

You started this - it's your own fault. Stop trying to make out that you're the victim here.

Original poster
Justwrong68 · 12/09/2023 07:14

Boiled down: I was banned for saying sex is immutable. Regardless of who I said it to or what platform, or how entitled you think I am; this is where we are now.

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 11/09/2023 08:04

Justwrong68 · 10/09/2023 23:14

You could have sent a message about the cup, then reported and blocked but it seemed like you wanted a "robust debate" on a dating site. As you've witnessed, it gets you banned.

hits nail on head
Apart from a couple of trans academics who give their opinion, it's impossible to even mention the subject, let alone have a discussion. I've admitted to being facetious, but the messaging facility often involves serious conversations, it's never "do you fancy a drink?" "Yes" THE END. Where are we if we can't say: you'll get more dates without the offensive mug, without getting kicked off? I think certain subjects around the debate are taboo which is extremely dangerous (see Roisin Murphy). I know a teacher and a lecturer who are all but living double lives because they can't state biological fact at work and they're far from isolated.
It's terrifying.

Yes but if I saw someone on a dating site wearing a T-shirt saying "abortion is murder", I wouldn't message them and say I might be up for a date if they were wearing a less offensive T-shirt.

I might report them to the app.

I certainly wouldn't engage with them.

Because I don't want to go on a date with that person even if they take that photo down.

And you don't want to go on a date with someone wearing a T-shirt that says "TERF tears" because you already know just from looking at them that their views are completely incompatible with yours.

Yes, some people are happy to be in relationships with people whose political views don't align with their own. But they don't tend to make their profile picture something that immediately invites controversy. At best, if they wanted to avoid wasting their time, they might have a completely normal profile picture and then in their bio write something like "unrepentant Tory boy" or "trans rights are human rights" to signal what is important to them. And if that isn't your thing you leave them alone.

This person was deliberately fishing and you took the bait.

WunWun · 11/09/2023 00:08

You didn't want to date them, so you shouldn't have contacted them. So how serious dating conversations are generally isn't relevant

PrimitivePerson · 10/09/2023 23:30

Justwrong68 · 10/09/2023 23:14

You could have sent a message about the cup, then reported and blocked but it seemed like you wanted a "robust debate" on a dating site. As you've witnessed, it gets you banned.

hits nail on head
Apart from a couple of trans academics who give their opinion, it's impossible to even mention the subject, let alone have a discussion. I've admitted to being facetious, but the messaging facility often involves serious conversations, it's never "do you fancy a drink?" "Yes" THE END. Where are we if we can't say: you'll get more dates without the offensive mug, without getting kicked off? I think certain subjects around the debate are taboo which is extremely dangerous (see Roisin Murphy). I know a teacher and a lecturer who are all but living double lives because they can't state biological fact at work and they're far from isolated.
It's terrifying.

Please stop trying to justify your actions. This is a dating site. It's not academia, it's not a work place, and it's not a conscience or freedom of speech issue.

Someone took offence at your unwelcome comments and reported you. Please stop acting like you're some sort of victim.

Original poster
Justwrong68 · 10/09/2023 23:14

You could have sent a message about the cup, then reported and blocked but it seemed like you wanted a "robust debate" on a dating site. As you've witnessed, it gets you banned.

hits nail on head
Apart from a couple of trans academics who give their opinion, it's impossible to even mention the subject, let alone have a discussion. I've admitted to being facetious, but the messaging facility often involves serious conversations, it's never "do you fancy a drink?" "Yes" THE END. Where are we if we can't say: you'll get more dates without the offensive mug, without getting kicked off? I think certain subjects around the debate are taboo which is extremely dangerous (see Roisin Murphy). I know a teacher and a lecturer who are all but living double lives because they can't state biological fact at work and they're far from isolated.
It's terrifying.

OP posts:
WunWun · 10/09/2023 22:48

I don't think they check every single photo. The best thing the OP could have done would be to report the picture without contacting them

dimorphism · 10/09/2023 22:31

I'd spread the word too - it's not going to be a very successful dating site once all the women disappear once they realise it's populated and run by misogynists.

Or maybe it'll be successful as a dating site for men only, who knows.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:29

Having said this I'm very unimpressed that Hinge allowed a photo like that. If the cup had said 'Jewish tears' or 'black tears' it absolutely wouldn't have stayed up I'm sure. However, it indicates the type of site it is (where allusion to violence against women is ok) so I'd personally just use a different site.

This.

dimorphism · 10/09/2023 22:28

DarkDayforMN · 10/09/2023 05:46

You weren’t being transphobic and that person is a dick, but you shouldn’t message someone on a dating site unless you’re interested in them. Especially not an unstable aggressive man who makes the fact that they’d unhinged and aggressive obvious IN THE PHOTO.

I think you’re lucky the aggression limited itself to getting you banned. Undesirable men get very few messages on dating sites; they could have fixated on you because you are a source of female attention.

Yes, this.

When someone tells you who they are etc....

Having said this I'm very unimpressed that Hinge allowed a photo like that. If the cup had said 'Jewish tears' or 'black tears' it absolutely wouldn't have stayed up I'm sure. However, it indicates the type of site it is (where allusion to violence against women is ok) so I'd personally just use a different site.

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 22:28

Justwrong68 · 09/09/2023 13:48

I am facetious, but I was clear I'd like a discussion in my message, I was polite whilst keen for a chat about it. I kind of regret it now but that's not the point. I dipped my toe in and now the reality of cancel culture has hit me. I've used their email facility for "appealing", so I'll see what they say.
Unless you've been hiding under a rock you'll know the issue here is that denying the ideology is punishable, the action of which doesn't adhere to a democratic system.

How entitled are you ? Someone is identifying as trans on a dating app and you want to take issue with it because you want a discussion. They clearly don't.

Just move on they are right to remove you

saraclara · 10/09/2023 22:25

Calistano · 09/09/2023 13:33

Tbh transphobic gets chucked about a lot, this is actually transphobic though. Get a grip.

Yep. That was an entirely transphobi act on your part, so of course you were banned.

Also this
If you don't want to date someone on a dating site, don't contact them, and don't then start a deliberate argument with them.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:23

I'm not saying that it was a good thing to do, I was pointing out that a band t shirt or a positive slogan that didn't actually personally attack anyone else wasn't a good analogy.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:21

As I see it, the correct analogy would be a t shirt that attacked trans people as a group, or another specific group of people. It's abuse.

PrimitivePerson · 10/09/2023 22:20

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:13

It's actually a very good analogy.

No it isn't. It would be a good analogy if the hypothetical T shirt said "fuck trans people" or similar. But it isn't a good analogy without the attacking of a specific group of people.

The hypothetical message in either the supermarket or the dating app isn't the point.

The point is that you wouldn't randomly confront a stranger in the street over their beliefs, so you shouldn't do it in a similar way online either.

Certain things in certain places aren't up for debate. There's ways of dealing with them, as we've said.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:19

Why? One place is for food shopping, the other was for dating. Neither place is suitable for a debate such as this.

It's not about the debate, it's about the abusive misogynistic message.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 10/09/2023 22:13

It's actually a very good analogy.

No it isn't. It would be a good analogy if the hypothetical T shirt said "fuck trans people" or similar. But it isn't a good analogy without the attacking of a specific group of people.