Name changing

Agreed. I'm divorced, I took on his name, changed back when I started my family (didn't want that name on the certificate!)and I'm still taking on my second husband's name. I'm as proud to take it on now as I was then and nothing's changed.

Most women are proud to take their husband's name - why on earth would anyone have a problem with whatever a couple decide to do? it's up to them and no-one else.
I've never met a married woman who regrets changing her surname to that of her husband.

Yeah, but then I'd be married to my brother and not going there! I like the sound of my married name better and it makes better business sense to use his name.

at stir fry sauce!

The professional angle is an interesting one. One gets a professional reputation based on hard work, dedication, putting in the hours, and establishes literally a name for oneself. So, it seems to me, patriarchy aside, that this is a good reason to keep one's own name as it's a bit of a brand in itself. It's really demeaning for a woman to essentially start over again with building up a professional reputation simply on the basis that she has gotten married.

I have a different surname to my DCs and it hasn't ever been an issue. Think perhaps once a US immigration official asked me why they had different surnames and I said because they were illegitimate

I changed my name for lots of reasons:

1. Didn't see the difference between two patriarchal names

1. Don't like children having different surnames from me

1. Travel and work in countries where children having different surnames can cause all kinds of legal issues

1. My first name is so unusual, no chance of professional loss of identity

1. Double-barrelling an Asian and European surname can sound ridiculous (in my instance, it made me sound as if i was some kind of stir-in sauce, not good)

All this double-barrelling is all very well for the first generation but what happens one generation later- quadruple barrelling?

If not, which bits do you drop?

Did you consider him changing to your name, confuddled?

I plan to change mine, we're making a family together (well, we've already got one but we're formalising it I guess) and I like that a family has the same name. I wouldn't care if we all changed our name to something new (although the stepchildren are a good reason not to!) it was just the togetherness of being a family. It's just easier to keep the name we'll automatically all be known as.

When we registered our first child's birth after her death we decided to double barrel, would only ever be for her. The registrar said normally they strongly advise against it (but could totally understand our situation).

I've never changed my name, even though I've been married. A touch of feminism, and a larger dose of laziness about sending forms off .

What I do regret though, is giving my two children their father's surnames. But only a little bit. I couldn't give a gnat's knickers if people raise their eyebrows at us all having different surnames.

But as regards anybody else's decision- you can mention it in passing, but you really shouldn't harangue anybody about what they choose to do.

Hee. Your husband sounds great. I am wont to collect the mail and tell mine that his relatives have sent birthday cards to his other wife (the one called Mrs HisFirst HisLast).

That's interesting, tortoise, because I was really bullied about changing my name (by my mum! who is ultra-patriarchal) and because I couldn't do it at once for visa and passport reasons (got married in the UK but work abroad, here in the USA) I changed my name on the bank account, changed my email address, and basically moved back to my flat in the USA and ignored doing anything about changing my name the rest of the way 'because I can't right now'.

I didn't ever want to.

Now, 2 years on, I know that not only am I not going to change it, but anyone who wants to chat about why I should can fuck right off.

oh, and DH did offer to take my name, and might still. All he cares about is us all having the same name, he says. But he also felt angry for me about the social pressure I was under to change mine, (including being challenged, basically, as to why I was even getting married if I didn't 'love my husband enough' - good grief!)and angry with all the reasons why women do change their names - enough to not push me. We might hyphenate later, we might change HIS later - but both living abroad makes it easier to just keep both our own names for now. And I don't feel a teensy bit 'less married' for it.

I wonder how many women change their name in the stress and pressure of the run up to the wedding (to not offend his family, her new ILs, for example,) and then regret it?
Mainly, I'm just relieved I didn't change my name. I'm lucky that in my line of work most women don't, so that at least isn't an expectation - but my bloody mum still addresses letters to me as Mrs DHfirstname DHlastname.
DH has a tendency of picking up the letters and saying "darling, your mother is writing love letters to my mighty phallus again...."
Which diffuses the tension

"Many Welsh people refer to themselves by their middle name, for example."

Gosh, I didn't know this was a cultural phenomenon! My maternal side is Welsh, and both my grandmother and mother go by their middle names, as do I. But I didn't know it was a Welsh thing. The things you learn on MNet.

"I was thinking earlier, if I were to [have a sudden brain transplant and then decide to] change my name, it would annoy me every time I talked to someone who had kept theirs. Like they had cheated the system somehow?"

Elephants, I hyphenated when I married at 24, which in my mind at that age was a feminist compromise. I've regretted it ever since, pretty much, but not done anything about it because, well, it's been eight years now, all my professional qualifications are in this name, I'd have to apply to the Bar Association to get it changed on their Rolls, etc., etc.

And I do feel like other women cheated the system! It's totally irrational of me, because my husband never cared one way or the other - in fact he assumed I'd just keep my name and was surprised when I hyphenated - it was a more nebulous patriarchal expectation I was bowing to, I fell for the mythical "it's my father's name" crap, etc.

So, my fault, my bad, but grrr, I am always annoyed when I meet women who were smarter than I was, and kept their names.

This is an interesting Polemic Against Name-Changing @ Bitch PhD. I seem to remember them posting something around the same time, in response to it, at Pandagon as well.

I think it's very personal.

A friend of mine who is a feminist happily changed her name to her husband's because he has always treated her with respect and her father (whose name she obviously had) was both a flawed individual and a useless parent.

So although I'd never change my own name.... I don't think I'd talk somebody else in or out of changing theirs.

This is an interesting thread for me, I'm getting married very soon and I always swore I'd stick with my maiden name. Except my DP is the only one in his family with his surname (he changed it to distance himself from his abusive family) and despite adoring my family name, I love the idea of being the first generation of his chosen family name.

It's made me wonder if people are looking at us and thinking I've gone back on myself due to pressure rather than choice. It's an interesting thought.

At least it is more common now for it to go either way, one of my friends has double barrelled her name and her husbands - insisting her name was first of course

I'm not married, but just to reassure people about a family having different names, I am MyName, dp is HisName, and our dcs are Myname-Hisname.

We have never had the slighted difficulty with this, we have travelled a lot all over the world, and never had any queries about our 3 different names. The children are happy with their last name - it's never been a problem at school, hospital, drs.

So don't feel you have to change your name becaue life will be difficult if you don't.

Sorry E&M I'm afraid I can't remember - almost 15years ago now. It was just fairly obvious she thought I was doing the wrong thing (or at least needed to think about it a lot more!). Although I think one of her main concerns was that I should be checking out more guys before getting married, so a bit of a different agenda I guess.

I agree with the others who are saying not to push it - after all she may have perfectly good reasons for wanting to change her name, if she does want to.

LouAnn - I think it's all very well to say "She is probably aware that it is perfectly possible to keep her name if she chooses to. Its not unusual or uncommon so its unlikely that she won't have come across the idea before.". I agree that it's not that unusual, but I do think a lot of people don't think about it or think of it as something that applies to them iyswim, depending on what others do around them. Certainly worth bringing it up with her, without pushing.

i am getting married this year and LOADS of people have asked me what i intend to do so i wouldn't worry about raising the question with your friend.

i am going to play it by ear i think.. keep my maiden name for work and on my passport as long as it lasts (another 7/8 yrs) but might consider using my 'married name' if we have children, at least for their school stuff.. i don't forsee a huge problem in having two names, i'll tuck a copy of my marriage certificate in with my passport so i always have it if need be.