Name changing

Having the same name does not make a family any more solid than the families where there are two names. As far as I know, this makes no difference to divorce rates. Does anyone seriously think that a couple who keep their own names is somehow less committed or less of a family? If you do, you need to think about your views on gay and lsbian couples I think.

It sounds to me like you need to find a new name that you both like if you really want the same name. What's more important to you: having the same name or refusing to give up your own?

In an ideal world we would, coincidentally, have the same name so no one would have to change. My parents and his parents have been together for 30+ years and our sense of family is really quite rooted in this example so it does feel important to me, hence why i'm a bit stuck.

Couldn't have put it better myself Elephants. I didn't even think about changing my name and enither did dh. To be honest, if he had wanted to take my name, I would have thought that as odd as my taking his name.

My feeling on the matter is very much like sprogger's, although this is my personal view only and I have no issue with what anyone else chooses to do. Ds has dh's surname - we had agreed that if he was a boy he would have dh's surname and if a girl mine, can't say for sure what I would have done if ds had been a girl. Ds has never blinked about having a different surname from me (admittedly he is 5!) - much as I didn't about having a different surname from my mum. She remarried when I was 7. So for me, from a family perspective, surnames are irrelevant.

I never really thought of my surname as being my dad's. I thought of it as being mine. I am still me, therefore why would I change my name? (Equally I understand why others would argue: I am still me, therefore why would I not change my name?).

Certainly I would advocate keeping one's maiden name for professional purposes, having had multiple occasions of having to find out work colleagues are getting divorced by their sudden disapperance from the email directory or whatever. But you can hardly broach that with someone about to be married!

Msrisotto: what would you like to happen in an ideal world?

msrisotto - you really should not have to change your name when he won't consider changing his. If neither of you wants to change your name, then IMO there are only three fair outcomes:

• double barrelling

• both change your names to a third name that you choose together

• both keep your names

Personally I went for option 3 (but then I've never understood why it's important to have the same name as your husband anyway).
However many people who want to have the same name choose double barrelling - could that work for you and DH?

Up to him to change I mean.

You could do what friends of mine did and both change your surnames. Mind you they did split up. But then that's a statistical likelihood with all marriages.

If he wants you to have the same name, and you don't, IMO it's up to him.

Mind you I had major arguments with Mr Inferior as to whether our children should have his surname or my surname first in their two-part non hyphenated surnames . Should I ever accept his repeated offers of marriage, a name change of my own will not be on the cards .

I will be getting married in 2 years and don't know what to do about the surname thing
DP wants us to have the same name (as do I) but wouldn't consider changing his and i'm not in love with the idea of changing mine. My family went silent when he mentioned that I wasn't necessarily changing my name. I don't know what to do. Oh, and i'm not happy with being Mrs either (something that went down even less well).

I also feel very strongly about this and never dreamed of chaning MY name. It helps to define me, it maintains my autonomy and individuality and MY family history.

This does not mean that I think all women should retain their own names. Of course it's an individual choice, but to me the question of name changing IS a feminist issue.

It isn't wrong for a woman to change their name, if that is what they want to do.

It is wrong for a woman to think they ought to or have to change their name. It is also wrong for any man to tell or persuade his wife to change her name - especially if he's not willing to consider changing his own name.

Elephants - regarding your friend, I'd say keep out of it, unless it sounds like she is planning to change her name but isn't entirely happy about it or is coming under pressure from her fiance. In those circumstances I would certainly step in and reinforce the message that it's her choice alone and there is no reason for her to change name if she doesn't actively want to.

I'd always thought I would keep my maiden name on marriage but in the end decided to take my husbands name (partly because my previous name was very long and frequently misspelled and pronounced and partly for ease in having the same name on everything). A lot of my friends have got one name for work and one for home and it causes no end of confusion (in my profession it is more common not to change your name at work).

I've had my married name, my husband's name, for far longer (25+ years) than my maiden name (18 years) and it will be my name until the day I die - hardly associated baggage.

My children are as much their father's children as they are mine. One day we will have a name that represents the four of us as a family, my children have that name already, why shouldn't they?

I see changing my name as being about unity as a family not about any ownership - even if that's what it's a leftover from.

And agree with Malificence:

"I still don't find anything wrong with taking your husband's name, I'd be very annoyed if someone told me that doing so negated me as a feminist."

Absolutely Elephants, if that's what you chose as a couple, of course he should feel pride to do that.

My own surname wasn't the "right" one in any case, I was adopted so had a completely different birth name, the only name that would be mine would be my mothers' maiden name, ( birth and adoptive mothers were sisters).
I'd have gone double barrelled if our names had gone together.

I still don't find anything wrong with taking your husband's name, I'd be very annoyed if someone told me that doing so negated me as a feminist.

If some people are using the "I don't want a different name from my children" arguement then why do you give your children your husband's name and not your own?

IMO it's more of a feminist issue to give your children their father's name than whether an adult woman changes her name.

I really don't think that it is particularly "smart" not to change your name (partly I guess because it implies that those of us that have changed are stupid, which I would challenge), nor do I have any feelings of envy toward those who choose a different option to me. That seems slightly bizarre. There could be all sorts of reasons why people make the decisions they do about their surname. I wouldn't for example assume that someone who kept their name was more of a feminist than someone who didn't - indeed if I didn't meet them in a family context I'd have no idea if they had the name they had at birth or had changed many times over, for whatever reason. I don't usually know if they are married or not unless they tell me (I've never really worked in an industry where titles are used, except for professional ones) because it's not generally terribly relevant.

But then I don't really use my surname much - a definite advantage to having a very unusual name (plus I got married at 25, so the established professional thing wasn't very relevant to me).

Personally I am a bit indifferent on the whole name change thing- willingly admit I wouldnt have changed if I hadnt liked the new name!

I don't really buy the professional thing. I can see that if you had your own business branded as your own name, it could be an issue, but if you're a lawyer, doctor, banker, etc, people adapt without mishap- it's not as though they cant compute that you're the same person.

Most IT/phone systems can deal with 2 names to single email address/line in the transition period and I just got my PA to send an email to my contacts whilst I was on honeymoon. Only had one person out of about 300 who got confused and thought I was a completely new person.

It's interesting, cos when my mum said, aghast, "you should be proud to take your husband's name!" I said - why? What am I being proud of? That I've avoided dying a spinster? That someone loves me enough to make an honest woman of me? That I've finally attained the world's highest calling of wife? What am I supposed to be so proud of?

As it happens, I'm very proud of my relationship with DH - we both work at it, and it's the most precious thing in my life. But proud to take his name? That suggests I'm proud to have 'caught a man' or something - proud to be married, which is a different thing, and about which I just don't have any emotion at all.

[shrug]