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Original poster

My formerly estranged brother has transitioned and wants back in mine and my mother’s lives.

213 replies

Rimding · 14/10/2026 14:50

I will preface this with the fact that I do not believe that humans can change sex in any meaningful way and I find men appropriating the female experience profoundly offensive.

I have two toddlers and I don’t know how to move forward with this. My mother feels she has to accommodate his name/pronoun changes because she worries about his mental health and doesn’t want to be cut off, despite not buying in to the whole trans ideology.

I don’t know how to approach a discussion with him re his new identity and my personal beliefs and boundaries. I am not going to lie to my children and say he’s their Auntie or use his frankly ridiculous new name. I will not describe him or his female partner as lesbians.

For background his behaviour towards other family members in the past has been callous and personally I’m not too bothered if I ever have a close relationship with him again but it must be at least functional for my mother’s sake. Whether I like it or not he’s back in our lives and I have to navigate it. Advice or just any experience of the situation welcome.

OP posts:
Onceuponatime32 · 14/10/2026 15:32

Rimding · 14/10/2026 15:20

He wants involvement. I am ambivalent and just want to support my mother. I suppose this is a vent and seeking anyone with similar experience more than anything. I support my mum’s choice to try and maintain a relationship.

It’s irrelevant what he wants. You can support your mum without getting involved yourself.

Rhaidimiddim · 14/10/2026 15:29

I've got a newly transed relative. Also a man, who lives with a woman but now wants to be called Lulu.

I avoid him (which is not hard, thank God, since he lives abroad).

Like you, I don't want to deny reality, pander to a bloke's fetish, or lie to my children. I also don 't want crazy in my life; and, up until five minutes ago, a man demanding his family play long with delusions this strong would not have flown.

He has been callous in the past, and this is just another stick to beat people with. Expect to be bullied and harassed if you do try to build a relationship with him.

Support, support, support.....

gamerchick · 14/10/2026 15:28

You don't have to have contact OP. Just focus on past behaviour as a reason. Nothing can be said about that.

Shouldgivethisup · 14/10/2026 15:28

Well, if he invites you out or round to his home, you might choose to go. However you don’t need to invite him anywhere.

see him with your mum at her home or at his. Don’t take the children to his.

DialSquare · 14/10/2026 15:26

OP, there is at least one poster on this board who has a trans sibling and from what I can remember, they no longer have a relationship. Personally, I would not let him back into my life due to previous behaviour. And I say that as someone who has lost both my siblings.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 14/10/2026 15:25

Keep him at a distance and focus on supporting your mum. I wouldn't want him around my children either.

Summerstuff · 14/10/2026 15:25

Rimding · 14/10/2026 15:20

He wants involvement. I am ambivalent and just want to support my mother. I suppose this is a vent and seeking anyone with similar experience more than anything. I support my mum’s choice to try and maintain a relationship.

He “wants” involvement with your children?

A callous man you have been estranged with.

Surely you just don’t allow it?

And you honestly think this “chat” would be well received? Massive drama. Just support your mum and leave it at that

Original poster
Rimding · 14/10/2026 15:20

He wants involvement. I am ambivalent and just want to support my mother. I suppose this is a vent and seeking anyone with similar experience more than anything. I support my mum’s choice to try and maintain a relationship.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 14/10/2026 15:14

I don't think that you need to have a conversation with them. If they are that horrible I would not be in contact with them but if you must you can call them by the name they now use. Treat them as you would a stranger. No need for big discussions etc.

alcovecupboards · 14/10/2026 15:13

You don't have to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to. You have no right to dictate who your mother has a relationship with. It's really that simple.

MissChanandlerBonng · 14/10/2026 15:09

His trans delusion is a red herring. If he’s a horrible person, you don’t have to have anything to do with him, and nor do your DC.

Porridgeontheroad · 14/10/2026 14:54

How often do you see him? Why have someone callous and horrible as you describe around your children ever?

Porridgeontheroad · 14/10/2026 14:53

You don’t need to have any discussion with him
bizarre you think you do
and even if you did, it will fall on deaf ears.

All you do is support your mother. That’s it.