My formerly estranged brother has transitioned and wants back in mine and my mother’s lives.

@Rimding going to post here what I've posted before, because I notice the twist-everything-to-attack-the-OP termites are crawling out of the woodwork

Just a word about Mumsnet - there are a proportion of posters who will deliberately try to be contrary in order to put the boot in. There are, in fact, some men who deliberately try to be downright nasty in order to make Mumsnet a place where people feel unable to post.
It's worth weighing the useful posts (which can include robust talking, but doesn't include deliberately misunderstanding or nasty posts) and just ignore the rest. On top of the deliberately unpleasant people, there are also many who pass comment on situations they've never been in and think 'oh this is how I'd handle it' without having the experience or insight to realise that actually being in a situation is often different from how you think it'll be.

This is most obviously shown by the very high suicide rates transpeople have. Shame on you. Do better.

The claim about suicide rates is incorrect as Chase Strangio had to admit in the US Supreme Court.

https://www.city-journal.org/article/aclu-attorney-confesses-transgender-suicide-claim-is-a-myth

This may sound harsh but I think you are hugely in the wrong, as far as the trans issue, and it's not much of a stretch to guess that's why your sister felt the need to back off from the family in the first place. I suggest you step back from your very rigid and unknowledgeable position and reconsider it. The fact is, unless you are a doctor or other expert in a related field (or have even taken any fair stab at studying the issue) your opinion, by definition, is based on ignorance. Your tone seems a bit self-satisfied too, so you may want to step back on all that pride and take a deeper look at where that's coming from.

From what you've said, you seem to be digging your heels in based on a gut reaction and societal prejudice only, as if it was something more solid than only that, which it is, again by definition, not.

There always has been and always will be a few unfortunate souls among us whose appearance does not match their gender identity, for various reasons. Some are born with mixed sex organs, which is not always noticeable on casual observation. For example, someone who presents as male could actually also have ovaries. Other people's XY (male/female) chromosomes do not match their outer gender appearance. Still other people's gender in their mind does not match their gender appearance. That one is more tricky but it's unfair and unintelligent to take a stance on it without know anything about it, aside from whatever happens to be in your mind about it and whatever prejudice you've absorbed from society.

At this point, I think your sister should keep a distance from you, frankly. It's hard enough whenever you are unfortunate enough to not be able to fit in with society's prejudices in a major way, without your supposed nearest and dearest judging and dismissing you, announcing what they will and will not tolerate and labelling you "ridiculous," without even trying to learn anything about something so very central and crucial to that other person. This is most obviously shown by the very high suicide rates transpeople have. Shame on you. Do better.

You describe them as callous and then write that lovely callous quote in bold.

It sounds like you are cut from the same cloth. So it's probably best to stay out each other's lives.

Look up grey rock. If you have to engage with him focus on discussing neutral topics, the weather, local events, the cost of milk etc.

Oh dear, how could he possibly bear to live a lie like that and conceal his authentic self. He must have been gutted.

So the situation is: "my father has just died, my mother is grieving him and is in a bit of a bad way as a result. I know what! Why don't I make everything all about ME ME ME!!!!! That's sure to cheer her up."

I think "we didn't speak outside of the barest minimum" is your best course of action in future too. And protect your children.

So the dress and make up haven't made him less of a shit then?

I can't imagine a strictly civil relationship that requires any discussion, or even passing mention of your different beliefs. You can exist in the same familial spaces without really interacting at all - it's what some of my family do. If they've changed their name, fine you can refer to them only by the new name.

But I think that is focusing on the wrong thing. If you don't want to have a relationship with them then you are not obligated to. If your mother is as susceptible to outside pressures as you've suggested then she will surely be susceptible to your pressure to keep you out of it.

Putting the transition to one side. If you have been estranged from your sibling and therefore NC, then there was obviously a reason behind it; likely a combination of several incidents over time.

While your sibling may want a relationship with you, you don't have to concede. You do not have to have a relationship with them if you don't want to.

Does he really? Or does he want you to validate his life as a 'female'?

If he's been callous and uncaring before, I'd suspect he wants you and your children as props in his own life to make him believe his own view that he's a woman now - no matter what he knows, very deep down in his heart.

Did he come to the funeral? I slightly assume not, because if he had, his transness would have been known from that moment on.

Honestly, this stinks to heaven as far as I am concerned. Whatever else, he is showing no empathy for your poor mother when he adds another lot of pressure on her when she has enough already.

Ah okay....

As someone with experience of NC in immediate family.
I'd just say no for now..

Let your mum proceed and see how it pans out...theres nothing stopping you from changing your mind in 6 months.

I would do everything in my power to keep him far, far away from me and my kids, if I were you, especially since you say he has also behaved callously in the past.

Hi Op.

You are already estranged for good reasons, unrelated to trans issues. These issues may not have changed so think about what you are prepared to go through again, esp as you have children. If someone is so abusive or difficult that a relationship has ended it is only worth rebuilding if it is healthy and not coercive. Your brother's feelings are not the only ones that matter.

It is especially cruel of your brother to try and line up your wider family and coerce your mum (and I assume you) to submit to his fantasies about being a woman and have contact with him. You mum will never forget the son she has given birth to and this is an element of cruelty that raises red flags for me. Wider family will not be so strongly impacted.

links for relatives of people who ID as trans

-If you want to chat options through with other non judgemental adult siblings on a private group online this link is helpful.
https://genspect.org/support/
I believe that Emma (link here) facilitates one of the groups but not sure who else does.
https://childrenoftransitioners.org/about/

-Re potential impact on your children you may find this helpful ,written by children of transitioners with a variety of experiences good and bad - not siblings.
https://childrenoftransitioners.org/

-There is a film of interviews with female partners of men who Id as women called Behind the Looking glass (free on youtube)

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.. xx

What your brother is doing sounds mighty like some of the shit my brother does sometimes. I wouldn't worry too much, OP. Just keep your distance and before you know it, he'll piss off again for some reason or other only known to him.

Presumably because the OP has discussed it with her mother, as she said.

Why would you think you know better than the actual people involved? OP’s mother is presumably allowed to speak for herself.

You have been estranged for years…. Something pretty awful must have gone down in the past. So yes - just keep at arm’s length if he does indeed decide to go further than just mention to his mum that he’d like to start up a relationship again

So the fact she’s his mother and happy they’re are back in contact is also a factor