Page 3 | My formerly estranged brother has transitioned and wants back in mine and my mother’s lives.

Rimding · 2026-10-14T13:50:57+00:00

I will preface this with the fact that I do not believe that humans can change sex in any meaningful way and I find men appropriating the female experience profoundly offensive. I have two toddlers and I don’t know how to move forward with this. My mother feels she has to accommodate his name/pronoun changes because she worries about his mental health and doesn’t want to be cut off, despite not buying in to the whole trans ideology. *I don’t know how to approach a discussion with him re his new identity and my personal beliefs and boundaries. I am not going to lie to my children and say he’s their Auntie or use his frankly ridiculous new name. I will not describe him or his female partner as lesbians.* For background his behaviour towards other family members in the past has been callous and personally I’m not too bothered if I ever have a close relationship with him again but it must be at least functional for my mother’s sake. Whether I like it or not he’s back in our lives and I have to navigate it. Advice or just any experience of the situation welcome.

Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:38

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AuraBora · 14/10/2026 19:37

I don't have personal experience of this but I know in your situation id feel exactly the same...

I agree with other pps that maybe somehow you can support your mum - but without getting involved directly with your brother, and definitely not involving your children.
Beat of luck Op. Awful situation to be in.

Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:37

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sweetpotatopie2 · 14/10/2026 19:34

Tbh, I can never stay on these types of threads for too long. There's always just so much dumbness, stated with great zeal and self-satisfaction lol.

There's a huge body of knowledge about trans issues out there, from people who actually have advanced education and experience with it.

So, what I don't understand is why so many people who do not know anything about an issue think that they do? This applies to many other issues as well, of course. I'll never understand it. Or maybe I do. Here's a quote I read somewhere and always remembered, though I don't know who it's from:

"Many people are stupid. Once you realize this, the world begins to make sense."

Ha. It's so true, yes? Unfollowing now. Yikes.

Original poster

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:34

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I had no idea stating boundaries was so controversial a concept.

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Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:32

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Original poster

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:31

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/10/2026 19:22

I don't understand where the compromising your beliefs comes into it. If you had not been estranged and your sibling had come out as trans, presumably it would not have been a reason for you to estrange yourself(?)

If it would not have, then surely the civil relationship that the two of your can find has the same characteristics as it would have had, were you not estranged. So, presumably, you would ignore the matter, treat each other with some distance and keep the focus on other things.

If you are so anti your siblings transition that it would have estranged you regardless, then there should be no consideration of reestablishing a relationship.

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His transition is new information for me and has nothing to do with our prior relationship breakdown. The idea of what constitutes civil is subjective really, this post is a lot about gauging what people think that is.

I can’t really say if we weren’t estranged how his transition would have affected our relationship because we are, and his prior behaviour stands regardless. The fact is that he has mentioned to my mother he wants a relationship with me going forward. All I can say with certainty is we’ll never be close 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Limeandfigs · 14/10/2026 19:30

His transition is totally irrelevant.

The fact is this is a person with whom you already had little contact because of his behaviour in the past.

He's got back in touch, fine, but you don't need to build a relationship if you don't want to.

I'd be basically polite and civil for the sake of family gatherings, but if he's behaved as badly as you say I personally wouldn't be building any kind of relationship with him outwith weddings / funerals / birthday parties.

Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:29

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AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/10/2026 19:23

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And we only had it for about seven weeks and that was months or even years ago!

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/10/2026 19:22

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:18

Thank you 🙏 To be fair to some my original post is not as well thought out and clear as it should be. I have never posted before and wanted to hear others experiences because this is a unique situation I never expected to find myself in. Despite the impression some people are getting I really just want to find the mature path where I’m civil but equally not wildly compromising my beliefs.

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I don't understand where the compromising your beliefs comes into it. If you had not been estranged and your sibling had come out as trans, presumably it would not have been a reason for you to estrange yourself(?)

If it would not have, then surely the civil relationship that the two of your can find has the same characteristics as it would have had, were you not estranged. So, presumably, you would ignore the matter, treat each other with some distance and keep the focus on other things.

If you are so anti your siblings transition that it would have estranged you regardless, then there should be no consideration of reestablishing a relationship.

Original poster

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:18

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 14/10/2026 19:00

@Rimding going to post here what I've posted before, because I notice the twist-everything-to-attack-the-OP termites are crawling out of the woodwork

Just a word about Mumsnet - there are a proportion of posters who will deliberately try to be contrary in order to put the boot in. There are, in fact, some men who deliberately try to be downright nasty in order to make Mumsnet a place where people feel unable to post.
It's worth weighing the useful posts (which can include robust talking, but doesn't include deliberately misunderstanding or nasty posts) and just ignore the rest. On top of the deliberately unpleasant people, there are also many who pass comment on situations they've never been in and think 'oh this is how I'd handle it' without having the experience or insight to realise that actually being in a situation is often different from how you think it'll be.

Thank you 🙏 To be fair to some my original post is not as well thought out and clear as it should be. I have never posted before and wanted to hear others experiences because this is a unique situation I never expected to find myself in. Despite the impression some people are getting I really just want to find the mature path where I’m civil but equally not wildly compromising my beliefs.

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alcovecupboards · 14/10/2026 19:16

Summerstuff · 14/10/2026 17:28

To be fair, the way the Op said brother went round and secretly canvassed all the extended family coming out to them first and telling my mother last. certainly indicates that she also thinks there was an ulterior motive

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There's a theme on here that if a trans person does something then it's automatically nefarious. It's utterly barmy.

Somethinggg · 14/10/2026 19:14

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Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:13

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Pessismistic · 14/10/2026 19:12

Hi op he doesn’t sound like he’s changed his personality tbh. Why not say to your mum if she wants a relationship then go for it but you will have to learn to trust him again after all his past behaviour. If he thought much of your mum surely he would have told her first. He might have an agenda so keep your guard up and eyes wide open with your mum. If that was me trying to make amends I would have told her first then you then other relatives.

Mykneesareshot · 14/10/2026 19:12

MissChanandlerBonng · 14/10/2026 15:09

His trans delusion is a red herring. If he’s a horrible person, you don’t have to have anything to do with him, and nor do your DC.

Absolutely this.

sweetpotatopie2 · 14/10/2026 19:11

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Thank you.

Roomview · 14/10/2026 19:10

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sweetpotatopie2 · 14/10/2026 19:09

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:07

This plus the audacity to think that just because I came to a different conclusion to them that I can’t possibly have actually really thought about my position on trans ideology. THEN to throw the suicide rates line in at the end… 🤌

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We seem to have cross-posted. As I said, what you do with my intelligent and true advice doesn't affect me and your anger is not my concern, either. Best wishes.

OneNewEagle · 14/10/2026 19:09

You would be better off posting in the stately homes thread OP as I mentioned before for advice about estrangement and what to do if they suddenly want con tact.

Original poster

Rimding · 14/10/2026 19:07

spannasaurus · 14/10/2026 18:55

This is most obviously shown by the very high suicide rates transpeople have. Shame on you. Do better.

The claim about suicide rates is incorrect as Chase Strangio had to admit in the US Supreme Court.

https://www.city-journal.org/article/aclu-attorney-confesses-transgender-suicide-claim-is-a-myth

This plus the audacity to think that just because I came to a different conclusion to them that I can’t possibly have actually really thought about my position on trans ideology. THEN to throw the suicide rates line in at the end… 🤌

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sweetpotatopie2 · 14/10/2026 19:07

Rimding · 14/10/2026 18:50

My brother has no idea I hold gender critical views

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Since you responded to my post, I see that you read it. Since your response is to want to argue, and a weak argument that's far from the main issue at that, I see that it's not sitting well.

That's good, getting uncomfortable is often the first step to possibly questioning yourself and possibly accepting a wake-up call.

What you do doesn't affect me anyway, though, dear, it affects you and your family. Good luck to you.

OneNewEagle · 14/10/2026 19:07

My siblings are NC with me. They all still have plenty of time with my mum, I hear about in in phone calls as and when .it doesn’t mean I am involved in anyway.

our estrangement is not going to change anytime soon and it certainly wouldn’t change if one of my siblings transitioned. That would have absolutely nothing to do with why we are estranged.

hoe long has your estrangement been OP. And what were those reasons? Unless that has altered significantly don’t change anything.

Angeruish · 14/10/2026 19:06

sweetpotatopie2 · 14/10/2026 18:47

This may sound harsh but I think you are hugely in the wrong, as far as the trans issue, and it's not much of a stretch to guess that's why your sister felt the need to back off from the family in the first place. I suggest you step back from your very rigid and unknowledgeable position and reconsider it. The fact is, unless you are a doctor or other expert in a related field (or have even taken any fair stab at studying the issue) your opinion, by definition, is based on ignorance. Your tone seems a bit self-satisfied too, so you may want to step back on all that pride and take a deeper look at where that's coming from.

From what you've said, you seem to be digging your heels in based on a gut reaction and societal prejudice only, as if it was something more solid than only that, which it is, again by definition, not.

There always has been and always will be a few unfortunate souls among us whose appearance does not match their gender identity, for various reasons. Some are born with mixed sex organs, which is not always noticeable on casual observation. For example, someone who presents as male could actually also have ovaries. Other people's XY (male/female) chromosomes do not match their outer gender appearance. Still other people's gender in their mind does not match their gender appearance. That one is more tricky but it's unfair and unintelligent to take a stance on it without know anything about it, aside from whatever happens to be in your mind about it and whatever prejudice you've absorbed from society.

At this point, I think your sister should keep a distance from you, frankly. It's hard enough whenever you are unfortunate enough to not be able to fit in with society's prejudices in a major way, without your supposed nearest and dearest judging and dismissing you, announcing what they will and will not tolerate and labelling you "ridiculous," without even trying to learn anything about something so very central and crucial to that other person. This is most obviously shown by the very high suicide rates transpeople have. Shame on you. Do better.

You aren't the loathsome so-called doctor Helen Webberley by any chance?