Page 7 | Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

BlueLegume · 2026-03-18T10:07:43+00:00

Good morning all. I am normally rooted over on the Elderly parents threads. Just as I thought life couldn’t get more difficult it has. A week ago my adult daughter told us she was in a relationship with someone who identifies as male. This person was born female - daughter troped out the ‘gender assigned at birth’ nonsense. She has utterly ripped the family apart as she clearly has drunk the kool aid and cannot understand our concerns. She has a great job, we are normal family where she says she has always felt safe and is loved. Any advice welcome navigating this. Happy to answer questions but I will caveat this post with the following: I am a sex realist. I hate the term gender critical. I do not buy gender ideology. I think it is a term being used to expect society to accept trans etc off the back of the hard won rights for lesbians and gay men. I do not believe anyone can change sex. The ‘be kind’ mantra is a weaponised term to justify the nonsense. Advice welcome.

SugarPuffSandwiches · 26/03/2026 08:54

scientista · 26/03/2026 08:05

Your posts come across as though you feel that you are superior to posters who have different opinions. There are a few where you belittle people who are perhaps not as educated as you.
Just saying, it’s not very nice and rather patronising

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Also every time they post after a different opinion it just seems like another chance for them to say either "social contagion" "mutilation" or "cult" on loop. Which is all they seem to want, sadly think you're wasting your breath.

SugarPuffSandwiches · 26/03/2026 08:51

BlueLegume · 26/03/2026 07:02

@terfterffff Can you please refer me to any of my posts using the word ‘bits’?

What are these ‘bits’? This is the definition of……

noun
plural noun: bits

1.
a small piece, part, or quantity of something.
"give the duck a bit of bread"

Also please refer me to any post using the word ‘hate’.

Also I am not familiar with the word ‘fav’. Can you explain its meaning?

Also please refer me to any post mentioning ‘genitals’.

Unfortunately your post has reinforced in me the fact there is no sensible debate ever put forward in this whole gender wang. You have simply gone off on a rant, all in lower case, which spews nonsense.

Edited

Fav means favourite.
You've seriously never heard the term "bits" before?
It doesn't mean give the ducks a bit of bread (,not in this context anyway, not sure why you think it would) - it's a well known colloquial term for genitals if you would prefer and understand that term better.

Original poster

BlueLegume · 26/03/2026 08:27

@PrettyDamnCosmic thanks you have neatly put my views in your post.

I have zero issues with people’s sexuality so any posters suggesting I do are wrong.

@scientista apologies if you feel I am patronising and superior. What I am is a believer in the reality of sex. Men cannot become women. Women cannot become men.

Being told to accept this can happen under the mantra of ‘be kind’ is the ultimate display of patronising.

Social contagion amongst young girls in particular has always been part of society. In the past we safeguarded them by getting them help for eating disorders, self harm etc. The social contagion of girls thinking they can be boys and vice versa is now being ‘affirmed’.

That is not safeguarding.

As for adults involved in thinking they can opt into a different sex, that requires therapeutic intervention to explore why they believe this. Not radical surgery. That is unethical and any surgeon who complies with these surgeries should be thinking about malpractice. I have said this before. This is a medical scandal.

OP posts:

PrettyDamnCosmic · 26/03/2026 08:16

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scientista · 26/03/2026 08:05

BlueLegume · 23/03/2026 09:18

Thank you @Inmyuggs

Why is my view disgusting and please point to my posts that have suggested that I think this?

Your second sentence is somewhat confusing but I think the gist of what you are saying is that I should accept anyone she is attracted to. I have at no point said I will not do this.

Your final sentence again is difficult to comprehend but I think the gist of it is that a friend of yours knows more than me and that their view is sacrosanct and overvalued to my concerns as a mother.

Edited

Your posts come across as though you feel that you are superior to posters who have different opinions. There are a few where you belittle people who are perhaps not as educated as you.
Just saying, it’s not very nice and rather patronising

Larose123 · 26/03/2026 07:54

U ok hun?

Nosejobnelly · 26/03/2026 07:48

My adult DD is non-binary and says she’s a lesbian (try and get your head around that). Recently been seeing someone with a male name and ‘they’ pronouns. I haven’t even asked their bio sex as I’ll get told it’s not my business, which is fair enough but I am curious. Most recently dated a bio woman with she pronouns (ended badly).

I don’t really get how you can be gay/straight and get with someone of the opposite sex you’re attracted to. I know my DD would not want pv sex (she has done in the past and decided it was a no, but it wasn’t a great experience and I think it put her off men entirely).

I just eye roll internally at it all, I can’t change DD, we have a lot of differing opinions on other issues and some upset me, but if I want the good relationship we have to put them to one side. We agree to disagree on these matters for a harmonious family. My dh feels the same as me - do what you want but we’d be devastated if you had a mastectomy (thankfully she is skint so it won’t happen any time soon).

ParmaVioletTea · 26/03/2026 07:38

SternJoyousBeev2 · 23/03/2026 17:26

I really wish these posts wouldnt get reported and deleted. Much better to let them stand for all to see.

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Yes, posts like that give new meaning to #bekind or “educate yourself.”

Original poster

BlueLegume · 26/03/2026 07:02

@terfterffff Can you please refer me to any of my posts using the word ‘bits’?

What are these ‘bits’? This is the definition of……

noun
plural noun: bits

1.
a small piece, part, or quantity of something.
"give the duck a bit of bread"

Also please refer me to any post using the word ‘hate’.

Also I am not familiar with the word ‘fav’. Can you explain its meaning?

Also please refer me to any post mentioning ‘genitals’.

Unfortunately your post has reinforced in me the fact there is no sensible debate ever put forward in this whole gender wang. You have simply gone off on a rant, all in lower case, which spews nonsense.

OP posts:

terfterffff · 26/03/2026 03:57

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Oneearringlost · 25/03/2026 08:36

@BlueLegume
"But she isn’t she is with a biological female saying she is male. What a bloody riddle"

Yes! See my post 15.25. It had a happy outcome, in the end. Although i don't envy you...it will all right....honestly, you've got to see that it will, for your own sanity and wellbeing. What a riddle, indeed. Xx

SternJoyousBeev2 · 23/03/2026 17:26

SternJoyousBeev2 · 23/03/2026 13:38

Can you clarify exactly what you mean by “your kind” please?

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I really wish these posts wouldnt get reported and deleted. Much better to let them stand for all to see.

Missj25 · 23/03/2026 16:46

anyolddinosaur · 23/03/2026 10:50

@scientista I have a young trans relative with a trans partner. They are the same sex. Both are suffering the adverse health effects of inappropriate medical procedures. They could, and should, have been happy, healthy, same sex attracted people. Naturally I wish them both to be happy - but they will never be as healthy as they could have been. So I know what someone gets into when they take a trans partner. Even if they are not trying to control everyone around them they will still have problems for the rest of their lives. They will also be living a lie for the rest of their life and that is exhausting. If they detransition they cant reverse all the changes. Maybe they'll have other qualities that make up for their issues - but it's going to be hard work.

Their attempts to portray themselves as a different sex also dont remove the problems that made them vulnerable to this ideology in the first place. It's very common for these young women not to realise exactly how much damage they are doing to their bodies. I hope your daughter gets some proper help to identify why she is unhappy with being a woman and realises before she harms herself permanently that this is not the way to deal with her problems.

I must have read this thread incorrectly, I thought OPS daughter is in a relationship with a woman who identifies as male ?, not that she’s isn’t happy being a woman herself.

SternJoyousBeev2 · 23/03/2026 13:38

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Can you clarify exactly what you mean by “your kind” please?

ParmaVioletTea · 23/03/2026 13:24

Their attempts to portray themselves as a different sex also don't remove the problems that made them vulnerable to this ideology in the first place.

This 100%

ParmaVioletTea · 23/03/2026 13:23

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When you have no arguments, yes, best to resort to ad hominem.

The demands of transactivists to have full access to single-sex spaces are the problem.

The attempts by transactivists to erase language used by women about our bodies is the problem.

The attacks by transactivists on people who think differently are the problem.

The violence and threats of violence by transactivists against women speaking in public are the problem.

Not @BlueLegume who is trying to balance her rational & valid views about sex and gender with her love for her DD.

SexedUpDossier · 23/03/2026 11:11

Tonissister · 18/03/2026 10:31

But you truly don't have to be. I am a sex realist and one of my DC has had two long-term relationships with transmen (female to male). Honestly, I just look past that and focus on who they are to find common ground.

Focus on the individual. My philosophy is that being trans is by far the least interesting thing about a transperson. It is not a substitute for a personality. Trans rhetoric bores me, but neither of them were dying to spout it. And I bet neither of them had any interest in my explanations of why JKR isn't transphobic, so I didn't spout those at them. They were more interested in discussing books or gigs or wild swimming spots or good hikes or recipes or what their pets had been up to, like any other partner an adult child brings home. They were interesting people. Being trans was immaterial to this.

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This is great advice OP. I'd be feeling similar to you and I have similar views, but you maintaining a good relationship with your own daughter is presumably paramount so this is the route I'd also (try to) follow. Anything else risks alienating her and it might fizzle out anyway

Original poster

BlueLegume · 23/03/2026 11:05

Thanks @anyolddinosaur A cautionary tale of our apparently progressive world.

You may well not get the common sense sex reality responses as sadly with lack of any evidence we just have to accept we are bigoted and uneducated when actually many of us have followed the queer theory ideology and trans activism trying to socially engineer a society that has a very murky moral compass. But we are the problem, concerned parents and relatives.

I am truly of the mind that those of us with sex reality views care very deeply about the mental health of anyone thinking they can solve anxiety or mental health issues with body modification. I have the same views about people who are slaves to the beauty and aesthetics industry.

OP posts:

anyolddinosaur · 23/03/2026 10:50

@scientista I have a young trans relative with a trans partner. They are the same sex. Both are suffering the adverse health effects of inappropriate medical procedures. They could, and should, have been happy, healthy, same sex attracted people. Naturally I wish them both to be happy - but they will never be as healthy as they could have been. So I know what someone gets into when they take a trans partner. Even if they are not trying to control everyone around them they will still have problems for the rest of their lives. They will also be living a lie for the rest of their life and that is exhausting. If they detransition they cant reverse all the changes. Maybe they'll have other qualities that make up for their issues - but it's going to be hard work.

Their attempts to portray themselves as a different sex also dont remove the problems that made them vulnerable to this ideology in the first place. It's very common for these young women not to realise exactly how much damage they are doing to their bodies. I hope your daughter gets some proper help to identify why she is unhappy with being a woman and realises before she harms herself permanently that this is not the way to deal with her problems.

Original poster

BlueLegume · 23/03/2026 09:39

@viques sorry I didn’t respond to your post from yesterday. Just re read it and you make a lot of sense.

Any dramatic behaviour from me has been focused around both of their vulnerabilities and their vulnerability around some of the people they are mixing with. It has been a slow process I have watched over several years with her immersing herself in queer theory and taking a stance that anyone questioning the trans identity of various people is simply a hateful bigot. I have sat quietly and not got involved assuming that she may also be seeking out the other side of the debate. But she has not so is now redefining her lesbian identity, which I have always been happy for her, to fit the relationship with a woman saying she is male. Your points are sensible.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueLegume · 23/03/2026 09:18

Thank you @Inmyuggs

Why is my view disgusting and please point to my posts that have suggested that I think this?

Your second sentence is somewhat confusing but I think the gist of what you are saying is that I should accept anyone she is attracted to. I have at no point said I will not do this.

Your final sentence again is difficult to comprehend but I think the gist of it is that a friend of yours knows more than me and that their view is sacrosanct and overvalued to my concerns as a mother.

OP posts:

Inmyuggs · 23/03/2026 09:13

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Original poster

BlueLegume · 23/03/2026 09:06

@JustSawJohnny thank you for your good wishes. We have come to an arrangement to ensure we still have our daughter in our life and she has us. She is clear that we will not change our stance on the situation. How she moves forward with that information is something we now have to wait and see as she still feels we are uneducated on how trans people feel about gender. I am digging very deep today.

OP posts:

PrettyDamnCosmic · 23/03/2026 08:34

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scientista · 22/03/2026 19:13

JustSawJohnny · 22/03/2026 18:41

There are some people in the World who believe being gay is a choice, not how people are born.

OP would, rightly, argue against that claim.

It is interesting then that she is so adamant that trans people are just confused gay people and that she closed to the notion that she could be wrong.

Trans people have always happened, as gay people have.

It's one thing to rail against the current narrative around trans rights (trans women are women/forced use of pronouns etc) but in truth, OP will never know how a trans person truly feels and we should all remain open to hearing people's life experiences.

If we shut down discussion, we get nowhere.

I hope your child finds their way in the World and is HAPPY, as I also wish for OP and her family.

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Thank you for your warm and thoughtful response