Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

TRA-speak right there. TRAs are the only ones obsessed with genitals. The rest of us know that male and female bodies are different in many other ways, and also that male/female affects so many things in life, from who is expected to do the cleaning to who dominates in board meetings and who commits the majority of violent crimes.

But go right ahead and show who you are by going on about genitals.

Getting along with people is one thing, but parroting things they believe when you don't is different.
To use the religion comparison, if I (I'm agnostic) go to a wedding/funeral/whatever in a church and there are prayers, I don't join in with them but just sit or stand quietly.
If someone says to me, 'I praise God/Allah/Waheguru/whoever for my health' I smile and nod and may say something like 'Well, it's good that you're feeling better.'
In neither of these scenarios has someone ever grabbed me and demanded I pray, or that I say, 'Yes, it is God/Allah/Waheguru/whoever who gave you back your health.' No one has ever threatened to end their relationship with me because I do not think or say things like 'Praise God'.

Someone demanding that I refer to a woman as he or him, is quite different. I don't really believe that people can't see that.

I understand what you're saying but I wouldn't do it. Words have meanings. If we agree that certain words are now meaningless, what do when we need a word to convey the now-lost meaning?

Is it possible to say things in a way that makes your non-meaning clear to people who haven't caught up with your position on this? You say "Sam can help you with that, she's over there" and they go over there, see a man and wonder where this Sam is.

And why would anyone choose to use language with no meaning?

The comparison with religion works to some extent. I'm an atheist; I respect that some people are strongly committed to their religion. It is fundamental to their 'identity'. If I'm introduced to a priest, I will not call him Father. He's not my father and, in any case, I didn't like mine so it's not even a mark of respect.

I have had occasional need to explain my position to trans people and, to date, none have taken great offence.

Please ignore. I am sorry OP I had mistakenly thought this was a new thread and never noticed all the pages. I obviously posted without having rthft.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I see some people have given very helpful advice.

If you can possibly stay calm, welcoming and friendly, while also neutral by saying ‘they’, I hope that will give her space to not dig-in in defence of her new girlfriend.

If my daughter began a relationship with a married man, drug dealer or someone that I believed would manipulate her, I’d not stop loving my child but she’d soon know that I wouldn’t welcome them. If she thought I’d welcome them with ‘open arms’ she’d be very mistaken. Her choice would be if she loved and respected me, she’d have the choice of how our relationship would continue. Not me.

Edit…my Dd is only 4 so I’ve a few years to go yet 😁

Supporting someone doesn't mean agreeing with them.

FWIW OP, I agree with you that people cannot change sex. What i do disagree with is your constant citing of the 'transgender playbook'. I mean, surely if your daughter had bought home any person that you didnt agree with, the idea that youd need to support her or lose her would stand. If she bought home a drug dealer, or a married man and you didnt agree with her choice, the same applies. Support her or lose her. You cant blame your lack of support on the 'playbook'.

Oh, oh are we playing that game?! 😁 Will be interesting to see what response that gets off the board as it's usually *nobody cares how many likes you get, it's not a gotcha" or some such nonsense lol

my daughter is a biological female. She is dating a biological female who says she is a man. She is not she is an woman. Either way people cannot change sex
There are men. There are women. There is no new human or third sex

Has anyone on here actually said otherwise? You can legally identify as the opposite sex, you can't literally change your bodily sex though.
You can either accept that people are trans/identify as the opposite sex (which I don't think we know enough about yet) or we can all just continue to shout past each other at cross purposes in the guise of "I just want to know how to relate to my daughter!" when it's clear you're just wanting to "educate" people, churn out links robotically and pretend "you're all ears."
As I said upthread, it's like the online version of the andwich board person in the middle of a town square.

It's starting to appear that you enjoy your opinions more than you love your daughter, OP.

I do hope your resistance to swallowing them, at least whilst in her company, doesn't lead to you losing her.

Is being right worth that?

No. You accept that the OP’s daughter is confused into pretending her girlfriend is a man, and trying to coerce her family into colluding with her in a false scenario.

That’s what I thought.

OP because you said ‘male’ that can only mean biologically male/born male. That does not apply in this case as she is a female who says she is a man.

I don’t blame you, most people must be confused.

Are you being deliberately obtuse or are you having a problem with comprehension?
The OP is talking about consenting (or not) to playing along with the fiction that this person is a man by referring to her as he/him.

Some posters have told OP to “suck it up” if she wants a relationship with her daughter. I agree that there can be no compromise if OPs daughter is demanding that she goes against her own beliefs and uses incorrect pronouns.

When they're both unwilling to listen to each other, not really sure how the relationship can be maintained? Which is why I was genuinely asking upthread how they were "going about keeping a good relationship and communication" (paraphrasing slightly as can't remember their exact wording and don't have the post in front of me)

Strange isn’t it that some posters don’t seem to think that your daughter should have any responsibility in maintaining a relationship with you, OP. Her demands are putting a strain on the relationship too.

I'm of the opinion that OP is quite within their rights to call their daughter's partner what they like (not sure where they're getting that I'm offended from!)
but a consequence is that they can't be that surprised if the relationship is broken or damaged as a result.

From my perspective as the mother of a trans identified young woman, I'd prefer there to be more people in my daughter's life who will hold on to reality. Our family and I are the only ones who have not caved on the pronouns and new name. My daughter is able to accept this and knows how much we care about her in spite of what activists would have her believe.

I think anyone who complies with using male pronouns, even if they're internally rolling their eyes because they know humans can't change sex, are just as complicit as the true believers. I wonder how quickly she would have left this behind if everyone around her didn't preach the word at her.

So for me, I'd like more people in her life like you OP.