Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

Do you expect her to date a trans woman or non-binary person because she’s made it clear she would in the past? If it’s just because she’s a lesbian then I don’t think that makes her any more likely she’d date a trans woman than a straight woman would be to date a trans man (not very likely). I’m a lesbian and i definitely wouldn’t date a trans woman. Even the most pro-GI lesbians I know have never dated a TW and I’m almost certain they never would (although they’d never admit that!) despite the fact they claim TWAW

You can be gender critical and your daughter can believe in gender ideology. It doesn’t have to ‘rip your family apart’ or destroy you and your DD’s relationship. So OTT! If the person she’s dating is a nice person and treats her well, that really should be the end of it. It’s two opposing political beliefs at the end of the day. No one in your family is actually being hurt or suffering here (apart from your self-imposed suffering it seems). You think a difference in political opinions should be more powerful than blood, love and family?! That’s insane

Arrgh, too late to edit... "I can't imagine," of course

I can imagine it would go down well, or be seen as neutral, using "they" for the TiMs in my life. It would be a stark contrast to everyone else using "she" and it would be obvious that I was making a point.

This is difficult. I’m also a sex realist / gender critical, but I think if you want to maintain relationship with her, you’re going to have to find a way to skirt the issue.

That doesn’t mean compromising your own beliefs though. I would: refer to the partner by their name rather than their gender, change the subject to safer topics and wait it out, see what happens. It might yet “blow up the family” if she won’t accept that as a strategy, but I’d make sure my words and actions were consistent, moderate and kind, so that if things DO escalate, I knew it wasn’t down to me.

In this case, @BlueLegume 's DD will need to calm down from her transactivist script to listen to & respect her mother's opinion. Dealing with difference is not a one-way street.

THIS!!!

In SPADES!!!!

Exactly. Very common in many places.

And I know from experience that it's not easy, and it becomes impossible without mutual respect. As soon as someone demonstrates lack of respect by accusations of bigotry, the relationship is broken, and can't be formed again without honest communication. So it comes down to who is prepared to communicate honestly. The trans community generally (and there are exceptions) refuses to talk as soon as there is any difficulty, any difference of viewpoint.

I think it’s entirely possible for a gender critical parent to have a positive relationship with a trans child or trans child’s intimate partner without anyone having to compromise their integrity or beliefs.

What is needed is mutual respect for each other, including each other’s freedom to view the world differently. Dialogue (as opposed to opining) is needed to work out how to navigate the tensions so they don’t get in the way of the mutual love and support they can still offer each other.

Exactly, and if you're talking about getting a wash - "don't forget to wash your bits and pits" (as in armpits 😁)

Still threatening parents, I see.

I'd hope I would find it in myself to swallow my conscience as much as possible if I were at risk of losing my child because of my opinions.

If OP and her DD are sitting on opposite sides of the same debate and both absolutely believe they are right, there is going to have to be some compromising, like it or not.

Or rather, stay close or not!

You might not say it but it's commonly used language in some parts of the country, eg 'lady bits'.

How to miss the point completely.

I find it interesting and, frankly, shocking how many people are happy to recommend that other people ignore their consciences.

That's your choice. For other people, having been hit with a plimsoll for not pretending to believe might have only strengthened their resolve not to lie or collude again.
Personally, I won't lie or collude. I do find it to be skin off my nose, and off the noses of any woman (or man) who doesn't agree with or subscribe to gender ideology and with whom I feel and want to demonstrate some kind of solidarity.

I spent 13 years of my life saying prayers I didn't believe in and singing hymns to a god who doesn't exist, because if I didn't I would be punished (hit by an adult with a plimsoll in primary school). Going along with some pronoun nonsense for the sake of a quiet life is no skin off my nose compared to that.

Thanks. Please don’t blame the parents though. You may think this would never happen to you because you’re such a great parent but that’s what I thought too. I will also leave this thread now.

Some TRA will argue that the brain is the most important part of the body. So if the brain 'knows' it is one sex or the other, this overrides the rest of a person's physicality. These are the people who believe they have always been men or women, so no 'change' required, simply acceptance from society that some 'women' have the type of body we traditionally associate with males and vice versa. Hence we are told 'some women have penises'.
Others believe that sex can be changed. That it is hormones that drive sex, and if a person has enough estrogen it will change their body to one that is more female than male. Vice versa with testosterone and the female body.
Others still believe that you can be one sex but a different 'gender', so that some people of the female sex see themselves as men, and that society should go along with treating them as such, because it hurts no one and makes the person concerned happy.
For the avoidance of doubt, I don't believe any of these things. However these will be the arguments your DD has grown up hearing, and are accepted as fact amongst her peers. And no doubt she believes at least one of them to be true.
Just as no one will convince you they are true, neither will you convince her they are not. My point, attemps from either side at 'convincing' in this debate is a fools errand. If you're on different sides from a loved one, the best you can hope for is that you tolerate each others views and avoid the subject as much as you can.

Yes. How is it that the girlfriend in question, who says she is a man, cut off her healthy breasts if such things as breasts are supposed to signify nothing about ‘who “he” is’ and don’t matter?

And if she is taking testosterone she will be knowingly and purposefully using it to modify her genitalia.