Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

My DD always has described herself as bi-sexual, but clearly favors women as she hasn’t had a relationship with a man since 2019 and has had a few longer term lesbian relationships. She has also said that she likes women for their emotional intelligence; i.e. their mind, but likes very masculine/butch women for the physicality side. So I guess now this person is the best of both worlds to her 🤷‍♀️

I think a trans identifying male is a trans woman?

But anyway she's dating a trans man so she's dating a woman. If she's happy with that then I don't really see why it's such a disaster.

Would you be upset if she was just a lesbian dating another regular woman?

As long as she's happy you should just leave her to it. And try and forget that the partner identifies as male socially.

Although I agree that it’s not something that I think needs to be the end of the world - that your child is dating a person whose trans, it is not in any way the same thing as accepting your daughter being in a lesbian relationship. The first is about identity and a clash of the fundamental beliefs of some people who do not believe it’s possible to change sex. Therefore referring to their daughter’s partner as ‘he’ is denying their fundamental beliefs and going along with something they know to be false. If I was in this position personally I’d just suck it up and be grateful my daughter was happy and I’d betray my own beliefs because my love for my child will always be more powerful than my personal values. However it’s still a lot simpler to accept your child is in a same-sex relationship, because that is just a fact - you’re not denying anything you can see with your eyes, or going along with a fantasy. Homosexuality exists and no one is pretending to be anyone else. Even if you’re a massive god-fearing homophobe and think your child will go straight to hell, you still know your child is not pretending to be that way

Is your daughter a lesbian or bi? Not that it matters in itself but surely a straight woman wouldn’t date someone with a female body.

@Husky0830 does your daughter still identify as a lesbian? If the person she’s dating sees herself/himself as a man it must be a bit devalidating (I know that’s not a word, but best way I could think to describe it!) to be fancied by a lesbian? Doesn’t that just prove that she’s attracted to him because he’s actually a woman? And if she still calls herself a lesbian while dating someone who I assume they both see as a man, then that must also be ‘devalidating’ to his identity. But at the same time, if she started identifying as a straight woman I suspect that would be ‘devalidating’ to her own identity as a lesbian. How do they deal with all that?

If you are happy for your daughter to be in a lesbian relationship then is it a hardship to refer to their partner as he?

I disagree with lots of things my children believe in but we can agree to disagree. The world would be a dull place if we all thought the same.

Is the person she’s dating a good person in your opinion, from what you know of them? Have you seen evidence that he is mentally unwell? Does he treat her well? Are they happy? If the answers to all those questions are yes (apart from the mentally unwell one) then seriously I just don’t get what the issue is. I’m not saying it might not be a bit of a shock at first and won’t take some adjusting, but surely the important things for a mother is that their child is happy, and treated well by their partner? Think about the millions of parents with daughters in relationships with biological men who are horribly abusive and brainwashed by them. That is a truly awful situation to be in.

It must be very hard for someone when the fundamental basis of their relationship is blown away in a moment.

But each person needs to find their own way through that.

In the OP's case there seem to be no coercion issues - just a clash of principles. If the DD's principles involved actively harming others then argue away; but she is just sharing her life with someone she loves, that is all. A lot of parents are less than delighted with their ACs' choices of partner, but it is not their life and they have to go with the flow and hope for the best. Keep the channels open, keep the love in the open and just be there to pick up any pieces that might fall.

She can't get pregnant so from that perspective excellent.

My Mother never interfered with anything and I never appreciated that till I met MIL who is always attempting to enforce her ideals on me.

The only time you can intervene is if something is illegal or they are at a stage where they are at risk of genuine harm.

I would not be happy myself but people can ‘ stew in their own juice’ as my Mother used to say.

Whether a situation is coercive or not depends on the particular situation. Many parents do find themselves being coerced, or under pressure to act against their consciences. I am not attempting to judge OP's situation, which is different from mine.

I am pointing out that a unilateral reframing of a relationship may be coercive. We see this when, for example, a husband transitions, and demands (not necessarily in so many words) that his wife treats him as a woman and that she reframes herself as a lesbian. I have huge sympathy for David "Debbie" Hayton's wife, who has decided to stay in a relationship that has been changed drastically from what she signed up to when they married. That must be incredibly difficult.

This is not "live and let live", it is "behave as I say or else".

I don't think it is really.

I have a DGC who is transitioning - I can't say it makes a whit of sense to me, but they are happy and all I have to do is try and remember to use "they" which I forget all the time and they don't mind in the least. I don't really see that as any different from being asked to use Ms. They know I can't make head nor tail of it - I have told them this - but that I love them dearly and want them to be happy. I have to say that they are massively happier now they are under treatment (which they saved up and paid for) so why would I get on my high horse?

It is impossible to see people in any different way from the way you see them. If someone demands that you see them the way they want you to see them, and make the relationship depend on that, it is coercion if the relationship is an important one (particularly if it is a longstanding one, such as parent-child). This is not "live and let live", it is "behave as I say or else".

Just go with the flow and leave her to lead her own life.
She is living by her own principles, not yours. Whether you agree with them is irrelevant.
Love is in short supply ... let her enjoy hers where she may. She is doing no-one any harm.

This isn't a deep conundrum. There have been hundreds of responses trying to convince you that driving your children away for the sake of your own political disagreement is sooo morally right that it doesn't matter how lonely you might become. Or that, because it's the right thing to do, they'll "see sense" if you austerely ignore them (after they've already cut you out, of course) which is sickeningly condescending.

Respect goes both ways and if you can't respect the identity of your children or their loved ones then they don't have any reason to respect your identity as their mother and no amount of ephemeral internet comments can fill that gap.

You have my sympathy, OP. Genderism is a very dogmatic ideology and demands obedience from non-believers. Of course you’re expected to toe the line and respect girlfriend’s fantasy, while she ignores your belief in reality.

Let’s hope, as a PP suggested, your daughter’s attraction to her girlfriend may fade away if she continues to make herself appear more masculine. Till then, I suppose you just have to smile blandly and refuse to engage with any further demands.

Best of luck to you and DD. And indeed to GF when the damage she’s doing to herself brings the delusion crashing down.

Check out Genspect’s www.beyondtrans.org I’m in a similar position and they give support to parents of adult children

I just came here to say that I am in the exact same situation. Adult daughter (she’s 27) has dated girls for years and is now dating a trans man (born female, identifies as male). Has been through the top surgery and hormones. This has been very difficult for me and is far beyond the acceptance of her coming out as a lesbian years ago. Sometimes you just need to find someone else who is going through a similar situation, because no one else I know has a clue and it can be very isolating. Most of our family on both sides has been made aware of the situation through social media. I guess it shouldn’t matter but it really is difficult from a societal perspective, family dynamics, etc. And someone else here on this thread mentioned a much more important facet of this. This individual’s mental state should be of concern, and I really worry about my daughter carrying that burden. It’s good to have some company here on this site!

BlueLegume

I am also very sorry your daughter has changed recently, and sorry it seems she is being so aggressive in wanting to 'educate you'. I can see how frustrating that may be.

Good luck OP.

I just wanted to say you do not have to change your beliefs or understand the position of your daughter's chosen partner. This may well fizzle out quickly. Or may not. One things is for sure if you are open about disapproving she may not come to you to talk when/if it does fizzle out.

I'm inclined to agree; I think most people want their parents' full approval and are upset when they don't get it, especially when they have made their "gender identity" their defining identity. It must be galling for our son to realise that we don't see him as our daughter when he so much wants to be looked on as a woman.

It isn’t about two conflicting ‘opinions’. It is about one person wanting those around them to lie in order to support their idea of themself.

Ah my bad, well in that case yeah that’s more likely. Although most of the lesbians I know that have dated trans men started out dating them when they identified as females then stayed with them after they transitioned

It shouldn't be, but you would be amazed how many parents have been rejected by their trans-identifying children for failing to affirm them enthusiastically enough. Mine is still just about in touch but he won't acknowledge me at family gatherings, precisely because we have differing political opinions, and I know dozens of other parents in the same or similar situations over gender politics. Gender ideology encourages its adherents to reject those who don't agree with them. See also the hounding and cancellation over the last several years of people who spoke up in public.

I said woman who identifies as a man - a 'trans man' not a man who identifies as a woman. I wouldn't expect a lesbian to date a man.