Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

She’s a trans-identifying FEMALE, not male!

Apart from that everything you feel is right

Seconded with the middle aged exhaustion.

Also caught between aged parents on one side and children sucked into the ideology of transactivism on the other. Could have done without the transactivism as there are undertones throughout its adherents pushing children to test their parents and cut them off if they “blaspheme.”

Therein lies the problem. It isn’t a neutral situation or one where other opinions are tolerated. I see grandmothers convinced that the younger generation must see something they’ve missed or that it must be right because doctors on the NHS support it. Unfortunately I think they are wrong and the damage is very real and impossible to undo, but I have no answers because the adherents to gender identity ideology act as if they are in a cult and are almost impossible to reach.

It really is the most pernicious and damaging movement that has occurred in my lifetime.

"She is my child and she has been indoctrinated. There I said it. She is too nice and has been sold the lie".

Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Posters who tell you "there's only one way to parent or else..." are demonstrating a very rigid approach. And likely some of them won't be parents. It's a challenge to be on your child's side while watching them go into something that you fear is not right for them or that challenges our own values.

I hope that you've found some use from this thread @BlueLegume and that even the dismissive contributions have given some food for thought.

High dose testosterone (assuming ftm?) is very much a happy drug at first, until it wears off and just leaves the unpleasant side effects, including early menopause, permanent facial hair, baldness and a deep voice. Which the many young women who are detransitioning are stuck with, for life.

We are aware some of those family and friends in same sex relationships feel threatened by the TRAs who expect them to accept a man can be a lesbian and a woman can be a gay man.

Yes, @BlueLegume it's extraordinary how homophobic extreme transactivism is, and how a lot of people don't see this.

You're not wrong. But.... your DD is an adult. What you mostly need to do is keep your mouth firmly closed. Be polite about the partner to DD and be polite to the partner. Don't give an opinion about any of this unless she asks, maybe not even then. Don't discuss the partner's mastectomy or her potential mental health. Really force yourself to take the view that this is none of your business. DD is an adult making her own choices. She is part of the family and she and her partner are included in the family but these topics are not family conversation.

Pronouns are tricky. I would avoid them altogether or go with they/them "because that's what I can manage".

But do not try to change your DD's mind about anything. Some things really can't be influenced (detranstioners talk about how little effect anything their parents said to them had on their decisions). Your DD has taken up views and made a decision that means you and she will have to be more distant. That's part of growing up. As adults you can discuss other things.

Don't listen to "daily rants" from DD, Instead take these topics off the table altogether. Solid boundary. Tell her you will not discuss sex or gender or her relationship with her partner either. Factual stuff like where they're going out, opinions like what did they think of an exhibition or a gig (unless everything they go to is all about the T in which case that's off the table too), but you don't want to hear about or talk about their opinions about sex, gender or each other. Base your conversations and relationship with DD (and her partner) on other topics.

And as for ‘oh I suppose (partners name) is just being a typical man’.
well she shouldn't be moaning about her partner to you in the first place since she doesn't want to hear your views. I would shut the complaints down, her relationship is her business, doesn't she have any friends to complain too? But if she insists and you want to be a listening then a bland "Oh, do you think so?" covers that and a whole lot more. OK, I'd be very tempted myself to go "typical man? isn't that a bit sexist?" but if your DD just wants to stir a fight I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

In the meantime come over here to share your opinions and have a good rant about it all. But quarreling with DD is not going to change society. Or even change your DD's mind, for that matter.

Op my DD has lots of trans friends, one particularly close. I have always been clear that I think gender ideology is nonsense and i refuse to use silly pronouns, I call them their name instead. Sometimes a correct sex pronoun will slip out as their sex is blatantly obvious, but it's not intentional and as such nobody seems to mind. I'm not the only one. I think the key is to focus on the person. Many of the young trans and NBs, the women especially, are confused and a bit lost. I won't participate in their delusion as I think that makes it worse but I will have compassion and care for them as human beings. I don't think you need to give up your GC views and certainly dont allow your DD to hold you to ransom. You can agree to disagree. Avoid the stupid pronouns altogether and respect her as a person not an identity.

I suppose it depends what the OP's end aim is. If it is to stand up for her beliefs at all costs, then that is fine, but will inevitably lead to a rupture in her relationship with DD, which would be very sad, for there could come a time when this young woman needs her mother's support.

If it is to show love to her DD by being by her side and seeing that she is finding her way in the adult world and needs friendship and care, then another approach entirely is needed.

Personally I would favour the latter.

I am located int the US and stumbled on this site as I was searching for people who are dealing with this difficult situation.

Genspect is your best bet then @Husky0830 - or possibly the WDI - the Women's Declaration International, run by the amazing Kara Dansky. But the WDI in the US is more focused on legal & high level administrative challenges to TRA extremism.

genspect.org/

Has been through the top surgery and hormones. This has been very difficult for me

Difficult for you?

Thanks @ParmaVioletTea . I am located int the US and stumbled on this site as I was searching for people who are dealing with this difficult situation. I will look into this group to see if they have virtual forums. There is a group here in the US called PFLAG which is very prevalent across the states, but I’ve found they are heavily run and administered by trans and LGBTQ individuals, so the perspective is very different and not sympathetic at all to parental challenges. I felt it was more focused on pushing acceptance at any cost.

And to @BlueLegume @Husky0830 and @Parentingisharder - you might find your local Women's Rights Network groups are also a place of sympathy & understanding.

In my local WRN group there is at least one woman whose DC has swallowed the TRA handbook. It's a harrowing story, but she knows she can speak freely with us.

I said that if you zip the lip you do not have to lie to anyone. That is true.

I can imagine it does feel really weird. You know that they will never be doing ‘man things’ because man things involve things that ONLY men can do. If a woman can do them too, then they can’t, by their very nature be man things can they? I know it makes no sense but not much of this stuff does. Sorry not much help other than to say it’s a difficult situation to navigate.

I am not telling you what to do. I am advising you that your current course of action will end in sadness for all.
The noncommital shrug and change of subject are useful. In the scenario above you do not have to agree; you just have to say nowt.

You do not believe this person is a man ... and neither do I ... but they are a person who has made some choices in life that you find seriously weird ... as do I ... but there is no need to challenge them. They are doing you no harm. There are plenty of people in this world whose decisions seem wrong to me, but they are doing no harm so there is nothing to say.
Sometimes standing on principle is neither productive nor as in this case necessary.

Yeah I completely understand what you’re saying OP .

I have an issue being made to lie.
To whom are you lying?
Just zip the lip and you do not need to lie to anyone.
Being loving towards your DD does not involve lying.