Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

My daughter is a lesbian and I'm fully prepared for her to date a woman who identifies as a man or non binary. She knows my opinions on gender (sex is real, gender is a misogynistic and homophobic idea which I personally think is a waste of everyone's time and as useful as segregation by star sign). However, I accept her right to have different opinions to mine and form relationships with people whose life choices I might feel are dumb. If I were in your situation I would keep my mouth shut and welcome my daughter's partner as best I could. Hope it works out for you and your daughter op.

My son is in a relationship with a woman who think she's a man. The only thing I've ever said was that I knew she was autistic as soon as I might her, and that every trans person I know (which is a hell of a lot for someone like me, also autistic, with a small social circle) is autistic.
I try not use pronouns, if I do I use they/them, as i can't use he, it's a lie. I use their chosen name as it's how I was introduced.

They both seem happy, and basically if my son is happy, then i am happy.

You can believe that - just don't tell your daughter.

Don't say he or she - refer to them by their name. It's not hard. Just be civil and accept that you and your daughter have a difference of opinion.

You say it's either 'him' or 'them' depending on the day anyway so surely just using their name is the safest option anyway.

Your allowed to feel however you feel, but you also generally have to be respectful towards people. wouldnt you hate for someone to be horrible to your daughter cause they don't accept lesbians? Trans or not, not accepting your child's partner (unless they are criminal ect) is quickest way to lose your relationship

In as far as it's "just the same" as religion, it's already clear that OP not joining in is not acceptable: "She insists we say he about the person.". This religion requires affirmation, there is no agreeing to differ.

How about - I am pleased you have met and are dating someone you connect with and if that makes you happy, I’m happy.

i don’t hold the same set of beliefs with regards to gender, but they are most welcome in our home and I will always be polite to them and happy for you.

Then avoid pronouns, and hope it fizzles out.

A trans identified male is a man who thinks he is a woman though?

The "this isn't important, you are making a big deal out of nothing and you will lose your child if you don't comply" argument is straight out of the TRA playbook.

Of course it is important, of course it has the potential to really damage family relationships, and the threat that if you don't pretend to believe the gender ideology and use the language they insist upon and deny reality you will lose your child only emphasises that this is not 'being dramatic'.

Perhaps another way to look at it is, if your DD brought home someone with a severe lifelong or life limiting health disorder of some sort. Of course you would worry that they were making a big life altering choice if they made a long term commitment to that person. You would I hope still not make that person unwelcome

So you'd rather hold firm on your POV than have a relationship with your daughter?

Yet trans-supporters are the crazy ones?

The person your DD is with is a woman and no amount of gender cultspeak or hormones make this otherwise. The more this person masculinises themselves the less physically attractive to your lesbian daughter they will become. I think it will sort itself out eventually and the relationship will end.

But you truly don't have to be. I am a sex realist and one of my DC has had two long-term relationships with transmen (female to male). Honestly, I just look past that and focus on who they are to find common ground.

Focus on the individual. My philosophy is that being trans is by far the least interesting thing about a transperson. It is not a substitute for a personality. Trans rhetoric bores me, but neither of them were dying to spout it. And I bet neither of them had any interest in my explanations of why JKR isn't transphobic, so I didn't spout those at them. They were more interested in discussing books or gigs or wild swimming spots or good hikes or recipes or what their pets had been up to, like any other partner an adult child brings home. They were interesting people. Being trans was immaterial to this.

The thing is op, I completely agree with you on everything you say but if I were in your position, I'd welcome the new "boyfriend"( trans male) and in my head just know that my daughter was in a lesbian relationship,.no matter how she or her partner frame it.

I would privately be worried however that my daughters new partner had mental health problems and I would see it as an inability to accept their own homosexuality. I'd also worry for my daughter for similar reasons

I would however say absolutely none of this to my adult child or their partner. I would use all the pronouns requested and would be kind etc. As with many things as a parent of adult children, your job is to stand by, smile and let them do what they choose. Maybe be there if they ask for help but otherwise it is not wise to offer any sort of opinion on their choices.

If asked you can say you do find it hard to accept that peopl can change sex but you can also say that the sex someone is does not matter to you, so you are happy to treat her partner in the way she wants to be treated. As long as your dd's partner makes her happy, does it matter if (s)he is male or female?

I would treat it in the way I would if my son brought home a young conservative or an evangelical Christian as his girlfriend. I would not agree with her beliefs but I would treat her with kindness and judge whether I liked her from her behaviour and how she treated my DS, not on her beliefs

I dont see it as much different really

It’s actually very dramatic.

I agree that apparent 'acceptance' is the smart move here.

But privately, as well as politically, anyone who claims men can have XX chromosomes and a uterus, are stupid, delusional or a liar. That's not a great basis to build anything worthwhile, whether romantically or on the world stage.

Was your daughter same-sex attracted before? If so, I'd be much less worried. She is still dating a biological woman, so at some level she knows the truth. And most youthful relationships, fizzle out quite quickly if left unchallenged

If not, this is very odd and worrying.

It's just the same as if your DD brought home someone of a different religion. You might prefer she had chosen someone else, but it is what it is.
You could agree in advance that nobody will mention religion, and tell DD you won't be pretending to follow said religion just to please her new partner. But you'll be delighted to meet them of course.

Chances are nothing you do will be good enough for this person so I'd be baseline polite but I probably wouldn't be using he or him unless I had I'd always use whatever name they've chosen but I just wouldn't engage with it any further. I'd shut down any sensitive or contentious topics with can we not talk politics or I'm not happy to talk politics. Plenty of that's nice and oh as responses you'll be amazed how effective oh is to finish dodge conversations. If your daughter really wants to get into deep discussions I'd say can we please not. I don't want to fall out I love you and respect your choices even if I don't always agree with them. Please give me the same courtesy.

You’re going to lose the relationship with her if you do this.

Oh come on what on earth is so terrible