Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

I think it's more experience that posters are sharing rather than narcissism.

A glance at many threads on the Relationships board show countless women caught up in toxic relationships and family members desperately trying to maintain supportive relationships for when the whole thing collapses. Adult children will make their own decisions and sometimes they'll be bad ones.

Our job is to walk alongside our children (if they let us 😃) and support them along the way. Swooping in and insisting that this is the wrong decision for them should be used incredibly rarely (risk to life, criminal activity?).

I am thoroughly gender critical and think the whole trans thing is utter bollocks, but you need to calm the fuck down or you will destroy your relationship.

Trans is all over our family life (sister of DIL, girlfriend of our son, another son identifying as trans) and we have great relationships with all of them. I tread a careful path between not upsetting them and also not betraying my own beliefs by using incorrect pronouns. It is perfectly possible.

You need to set aside your feelings and accept that your daughter feels differently to you. Your daughter will choose this person over you, don't let it come to that.

It's how navigating all adult children's relationships work.

You only have to look at the relationship boards to see this.

You don’t have to hold the belief. Just accept the fact your daughter does. Nobody is forcing you to do anything. Let your daughter be, you don’t own her and can’t control her.

Also OP if it helps.

Re my above scenario, a question I ask myself is, does this just offend me or does it impact anything real?

That helps me pick my battles.

Example: BIL: "yadda yadda swivel eyed nonsense about vaccines". Me: "yeah... lots of discussion about that atm... OH I meant to ask, did DNiece pass her music exam?"

Example: BIL and Dsis contact my mum during lockdown to try and scare her into not getting a vaccine. Then I intervene.

It's exhausting but I do think there is a risk of damaging the relationship so I modulate my responses.

Yeah, it’ll be some untreated mental health issue. My female cousin was born a huge 12 weeks early and went through a whole host of non-binary, they/them now they’re a he/him with a new name. She went missing for ages. She’s just “lost” with developmental delays and mental health problems and found a group of unwell teenagers who all decided to “change” at the exact same time.
So now we all call her the new name and say “they” so as not to lose her again.

The trouble is that the more you resist the more likely you will be the person your daughter will distance herself from.

It's a tricky one.

Let it wash by. Do not discuss your views on gender. Just make them a cup of tea.

What is to be gained by pursuing your views out loud? Will it make you happy? Will it make your DD happy?

Just go with the flow and make no comment. She is an adult; she will do as she pleases.

I have a dearly loved young close relative who is on a similar path - in many ways I am sad that this is what they have chosen, but I simply tell them that it is hard for me to understand (I am grandparent generation!) but that I love them and always will.

• sorry, I agree with the PP who said

@WaitingForMojo the partner is a woman, so the pronoun is her, not him.

OP the PP who said "I want you to be happy and respect your choices. Please respect my choice to have my own private views."

As a comparison, DSis lives in the States. She married a man who rapidly converted to a cult fairly extreme form of Christianity and has some repellant views. He is also a Trump voter.

DSis thinks he is wonderful. I don't remotely get it. But I want to keep "a line open" to her.

So, I keep in regular contact, keep it light and breezy, focus on her news and ask after her cat etc. When she starts with the Hilary Clinton is a paedo crap I take a deep breath and just leave it a little then send a text about something else. When nutso BIL appears in the conversation I am Really Polite And Cheerful. I ask him about work, has he been fishing recently. Lots "oh really", "oh that's great.... btw have you planted anything new in the garden this year?"

That is how I would play this.

This would be my nightmare and I honestly have zero helpful advice 😅
I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t call her a “he”. At most I’d refer to them by their name and leave it at that.

”Does Jeff want a sandwich?”
”Will Jeff be coming round on Saturday?”

I could also use a “they” where it seems normal.
DD: Jeff won a competition.
You: Oh did they? Say congratulations to Jeff for me.

I wouldn’t want to risk my relationship with my child but I also couldn’t tiptoe around the utter tripe of pretending she’s now a man.

There is no 'him' in this scenario.

OP, I agree with you that sex cannot be changed. But the reality is that your daughter is an adult, so she can date who the hell she likes. I'm not sure how it "rips the family apart". You don't have to get involved. Just be polite to the partner if and when you meet them. Otherwise, back off and accept that you may not be seeing your daughter for some time. It's her life, not yours.

OP - I learnt to keep quiet about my adult children's relationships and just to be welcoming - not matter what reservations I might have.
Yes, this young woman may be mentally very vulnerable and potentially very self absorbed - and we always hope that our children only get involved in emotionally healthy relationships. The evidence on Mumsnet says otherwise.

You've evidently got a lot on your plate with elderly parent care but this battle isn't one you have to fight. Take a deep breath - appreciate that she's an adult and maybe try to reassure her that your comments come only from love. You were a bit shocked at the announcement but you trust her to make the right decisions in her life. You're always on her side and of course you'll welcome anyone who's important to her.

Remember - there are a lot of people around who promote "parental alienation" and breaking family relationships who would revel in an opportunity to suggest to your daughter that you're "unsafe" and she should alienate you.

Our adult children have to forge their own paths and while we may disapprove of some of their choices, they are their choices. It doesn't stop us having our own informed views but we do need to tread carefully and allow adult children to make their own choices.

Does this person make your dd happy?

See, non-binary makes no sense to me at all - it’s the worst BS to come out of the trans movement. I agree with you that people are male or female and that’s it.

Basically, it’s the Emporer’s new clothes.

Sorry not to have better advice but I do empathise.

I hold the same beliefs as you do. And I think I would be most concerned about the mental health of the person my DD was seeing the the potential impact of that. I think I would try to be welcoming the the individual and supportive of my DD (and hope to God that it would fizzle out).

If I was feeling really facetious I might leave out some condoms and a lecture about safe sex.

While I agree with you and would be highly uncomfortable, I do think you need to bear the relationship in mind. My mum as an adult has really struggled to accept some of my choices and my right to make them, and it has damaged our relationship. Despite lots of discussions and how it has made me feel, she can’t accept that what I want/need from her is the respect that I can live my life how I choose, she will never let go of the judgement and that hurts. Mainly about disagreement on religious views so it’s strongly held beliefs involved on both sides.

This is different in that it’s about both beliefs and you being expected to become involved in those beliefs by playing along. I think to respect your daughter you have to be supportive of her choices, but find ways to remain honest to yourself. Ie avoid pronouns and just use the name. Welcome this woman and get to know her. You don’t need to change your views at all but you need to behave decently.