Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

I very much agree with this - I have to separate the ideology from my children, despite sometimes feeling very angry. As another person said, they are victims. I see it as them being in a cult and by maintaining a good relationship with them I am hopefully demonstrating that terfs aren't the evil-doers that their fellow cult-members claim we are. This is particularly important with my trans-identifying child as it is so common for non-compliant parents to be cut off.

How did she get the money to pay for private breast removal? I take it her family support this?

Not a 'him'. This new partner is a 'her'. Always using her name is a handy way to avoid the pronoun debacle.

Trans men are women. Both according to science/truth/facts, and legally under the Equality Act 2010. Trans men are biologically female, and will always be women. Humans cannot change their sex.

I think you are seeing your daughter's partner as a representation of gender idiology rather than as an individual. Can you try and separate the two in your mind?

How would you deal with any other individual that follows a belief system that you don't?

Also, does this person treat your daughter kindly and with respect? I think that's the most important thing.

Why does the dynamic not feel safe? Has her partner done or said anything to suggest he is abusive or controlling?

I would get round this by just using the persons name, did Sam like the cake today and is Sam going to take some home

Is Sam ready to jump in the car yet, is Sam dropping you off

So all the bits where you would normally say 'is Sam going to take some home with him', you leave off the 'with him'

I cant do it either OP

It will fizzle out because I believe that 'Sam' is probably quite emotionally unstable and probably isnt able to fulfill a long term relationship. Sadly

As always with kids pick your battles. If this woman is making her happy fot now then tell her you are happy she is happy. You are willing to respect her partners belief by referring to her by her chosen name and you'll avoid referring to her as she. Ask her in what other way she wants you to treat her partner differently because she wants to be seen as male? You wont, for example, buy her female clothing, perfume or make up because that would be disrespectful. Tell her you expect respect for your belief by no trying to force you to refer to her as he.

You son and daughter's relationship would change anyway as partners enter the mix. Try to encourage him to see that your daughter will need support later if this relationship breaks down. Ask him to avoid the topic if he can and if not to focus on the controlling nature of the relationship as his concern not someone else's surgery. If the woman wished to push tra lines - as these young people often do ignore, sorry I dont find that interesting or I have to go now.

It's perfectly normal to be concerned that your child is with someone who is both mentally unwell and controlling with it but you have to let them make their own mistakes.

OP tbh if you deem your adult daughter getting into a relationship with a trans male as "ripping the family apart" then you are the one that should seek therapy not her. It's a very extreme reaction.

I would probably feel the same way as you in your position @BlueLegume, but honestly what can you do? You are not going to change your daughter's mind. You either have a very different (ie. distant possibly broken) relationship with her from now on, or you do your best with her new partner for the sake of keeping her in your life. I think it really is an either or situation, unfortunately.

I am so sad about the number of young lesbians who think they are trans. A girl in her early 20s in my wider family has died in excrutiatingly sad circumstances because of this.

Even my 48 year old butch lesbian sister has said she thinks she would be wondering if she was trans if she were born 20 or 30 years later. She is very grateful for that not being the case!

I though MN used ‘trans indented male’ to mean a trans woman? Does it mean a trans man now?

How confusing 🫤

Religion is exactly the example we use when explaining to our kids that while they're free to choose which words they use, they can't compel us to also use them. So if my son wants to describe the woman he's seeing as "he/him" that's up to him, but we won't. However, we respect that she finds it offensive for us to use the words "she/her". So we work around this, using her gender-neutral name more than feels natural in conversation 😆

Yes, your OP made it clear but I agree with pp that your title is confusing.

A trans-identified male is a biological male, a transwoman. It’s a term GC people sometimes use as it makes biological sex clear.
You meant a trans-identified female.

I'm sorry op your daughter hasnt ripped family apart is she happy and if she is that's all that matters. What you think or say doesn't really matter as it's your daughter who is with him

breasts are not limbs...

I’d look at this young girl as a victim of gender ideology not a perpetrator. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. Privately feel sorry for her, in person show her that you see her as person with interests and a personality, not a gender.

Young relationships never last long, she won’t be in your lives forever.

Just use her name rather than them and they or he. Practice your “this is not at all shocking to me” face.

It really isn’t though. People of a different religion don’t generally require everyone else changes how they speak about things. Adherents to trans ideology expect everyone to use things like preferred pronouns etc even where they don’t reflect reality.

OP not the same I know but my son’s partner is basically a heterosexual female who identifies as NB. Nice enough girl but I basically told my son at the outset I wouldn’t be an arse about it, but there was no way I was calling her “them”.

Christ..
I thought being a doctor meant ,first do no harm ...
What sort of doctors remove healthy breasts ..

Don't get involved,she's an adult,let her crack on with it .
You don't have to be dragged in to the lunacy
Just accept the person she's shagging and treat them with the respect you would any other partner.

The good thing is that your DD is lesbian or bi, an the new partner is bio female, so there is no social coercion on that front.

I do agree that person with such a huge issues doesn't seem as the most perspective long term partner.

Statistics are on your side, just don't push your DD away.

If you and the family would use They and treat the partner as generic Human, would it work for everyone?

I totally agree with your POV (including about the narcissisnm) but I think you need to take a step back here and let your DD get on with it. You've brought her up to be sensible; now you have to trust her. She knows how you feel. Call this person by their name. It should be possible to avoid pronouns, but in your shoes I'd bite my tongue and say he if necessary.
Hopefully it'll blow over.

It's a total head fuck and I cannot understand why my otherwise highly intelligent, critically thinking adult children go along with it. To an extent I think that it's a form of rebellion and there's nothing that makes people dig their heels in more than arguing. So I don't. They're aware of my views but I hope that by not making it a big deal between us that it gives them space to back down in the future. We'll see.

I would be concerned if my daughter had any sort of relationship with someone so clearly suffering from mental health issues. However you will have to find a way to hold your own boundaries whilst not forcing your daughter away. Explain yourself, clearly and calmly and state what your own boundaries actually are. She is an adult, you can't stop her.