Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

There is so much about this that is grim, not least the inability to speak out at work, for instance, for fear of reprisals.

But family is different. My trans relative is still a kind and decent person and that is what matters most. I do not bombard them with my views, nor feel the need to lie. I just maintain a good relationship with them because I love them and that trumps everything else for me.

The DD is insisting the OP says ‘they’ or ‘he’ rather than ‘she’ about a woman. This is the definition of being forced into something.

I’d suggest ordering a couple of books on how to deal with your child joining a cult and seeing what advice they offer. At least that’s what I would do.

It’s very common in our social group (home educators, almost all of us ND). I can see it coming for us too.

I do sympathies with them though. The world they are growing up in is not like ours was. I grew up with Annie Lennox on tv, Thatcher and QEII in power, Madonna changing her whole look every year, and a general feeling that being a woman was a good and infinitely varied thing. My kids are growing up with Bonnie Blue, Gisele Pelicot, morally weak but politically and financially powerful men seeing women and girls as objects to be used, and even colour coded toys FFS.

Id probably be NB if I was 14 now, just to take myself out of the whole mess.

There is a degree of emotional manipulation in threats of no-contact when it comes to whether someone believes a person can change sex and whether someone should be forced to use language that doesn't follow the standard English language conventions to suit someone else's philosophical belief.

What do you have to gain by not lying though? You certainly have something to lose - your relationship with your daughter. You don't have to change your views outside of this specific relationship and interaction with your daughter and her gf. Just like the fact that I go along with the lie at work doesn't change my opinions or views outside of the workplace, or limit my capacity to express them.

I think you have made a whole lot of assumptions about Prion that you simply cannot know.

It may well be, as Prion has said, that her daughter by simply knowing that Prion holds the belief that sex cannot change and that she campaigns for female single sex provisions has rejected her.

In which case, your accusation about it being her 'attitude' is totally baseless unless your intention is to shame women who don't agree that any male person can be female in regards to access female single sex provisions.

It literally doesnt have to get in the way of her siblings relationship.

Im an adult that cut contact with my parents easily after they failed to support my choices.

Dont let it happen to you.

You risk loosing your relationship with your daughter over this.

She's an adult.

as a previously close relationship has been touched by what I consider to be a social contagion gone mad I am concerned.

Your relationship has been damaged by your attitude. Not her relationship with her new partner. Careful you don't push her totally away.

This a million times over.

Is this partner a nice person? Are they well matched? I think maybe stay out of thinking about what’s in the person’s pants and just consider whether your daughter is happy. Your opinion won’t matter to her, in all likelihood.

I would welcome them into my home but i would not be lying for them. Why should the OP have to bow down to a stranger in her own home ?

It’s a cult and it uses the cult playbook. Potential/new converts and sympathisers are encouraged to act in ways that provoke opposition, so they get their feelings hurt and run back to the safe space where everyone feels like they do, where they are reassured and told they are the best of people, so much more righteous and good than those angry family members. Exactly like any other cult.

(See numerous articles on why various religions send people knocking on doors).

Also, breasts are not limbs. 🧐

not the same at all!

sounds to me like op's DD is in a relationship with someone with poor mental health which I'd be worried about if she was mine

I’m as gender critical as you can get, in that I don’t believe in gender at all, but you are coming across as very dramatic and controlling here.

Your daughter is an adult, she is entitled to her own views and opinions and she is entitled to date who ever she wants. You can’t force her to think the same way you do, the more you insist the more you will push her away. Saying she is ripping the family apart because she’s dating someone who is trans or non-binary is extremely dramatic. If they treat her well and she is happy then that should be the most important thing.

The best thing you can do is be respectful to her partner and their relationship, while using gender neutral pronouns so as to not compromise your own beliefs while also respecting theirs.

If you continue to try to force your views onto her or turn her against her partner it’s going to have the complete opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve.

I’ve worked closely with a lot of trans, my son is gay. My opinion is that trans is a mental health issue. Saying that you have to let her do her own thing. I think you are being very dramatic by saying it’s ‘ripped’ the family apart. It’s up to your daughter who she dates and it’s your choice to either back her or lose her.

I honestly don’t get why people find it so hard to lie. I refer to males as ‘she’ and ‘her’ all the time at work and nod and smile and agree in our compulsory diversity training despite thinking it’s all utter tripe. It’s easy. Getting along with people whose views and beliefs you hold in contempt is part of being an adult.