Adult daughter dating trans-identified male, struggling to navigate family concerns

She is utterly brilliant!

@Husky0830 Especially if you are in the US you might find this three-part podcast interesting. It's called "Strange Bedfellows" and it's a history of how the LGBTQ movement(s) started and got together and how this alliance is under increasing pressure from the inside. The presenter is a gay man and he has fascinating conversations with some of the people who created that alliance.

Part 1 When LGB Met T
Part 2 The Q
Part 3 Backlash

The third part shows that dissenting voices aren't just on the right or homophobes and transphobes, even in America. There is conflict and disagreement among liberal people and LGBTQI people in the US too though the big organisations that claim to represent them deny it.

@BlueLegume, I honestly feel like you are writing my own story. My DD is entrenched currently in the most liberal leaning university in America 3,000 miles from where we are, and where she grew up (which is BTW also a fairly progressive area on the opposite coast). I have no doubt she is living in a bubble of acceptance and skewed perspectives where she is, but at this point I’m not sure that even if she relocated things would be completely different as she is now 27. She’s also on the entire pro-Palestine, anti- Israel, etc etc agenda. Every day I feel she is slipping away a bit and it’s so sad.

I hold liberal views myself and do not consider myself a conservative. It’s just that this new situation with the trans partner has pushed me to a new level that I frankly am having a very difficult time coming to terms with. It’s a dichotomy. I try to dig deep to figure out if this is really a societal problem for me, culture, tradition, true fear for my DD’s well being…or more than likely a combination of it all. For instance, when she was in same sex relationships for the past 6-7 years, we learned to accept it to the point that we invited her partner on vacation with us. We never rejected her and never will. But I am tired of being classified as a homophone and now a transphobe. I am entitled to my own beliefs as much as any queer person is. It’s a 2-way street when we’re dealing with adult children. They need to understand that.

That sounds so positive. It is not an easy balance as I know only too well with my DGC but I just need to keep the love flowing, as do all the family.

You can lose a relationship with your adult child for many reasons. My FiL is cut out of DH life for his behaviour, and there are loads of Mumsnetters who have cut off a parent for a huge variety of reasons.
As a thought experiment, what would you do if DD had a relationship with a local drug dealer? Would you want to maintain a relationship if she refused to leave him?

There is also the narrative here that you must accept anything from your child or lose them.
It's not about losing them. It is about wanting to support them through life's challenges and showing unconditional love. This has been my approach to my DGC (now adult) - they know their choice makes no sense to me but they also know that my love for them is rock solid and I will always be there for them.

@BlueLegume I was the wife of a person who decided he was a woman. The story is long but essentially I (an now staunchly GC person) was pulled in and caught up I the absolute chaos and trauma of the whole thing. I can tell you honestly that if my parent had at that point put me in the middle of their own values and beliefs and my partner's, it would have absolutely destroyed my relationship with them.

I don't disagree with your views, in fact mine are similar, however I would stop at nothing to support my children and ensure that our relationship was not fractured by an external situation, and for that reason I'd be honest with them about my views however address their partner (not speak about them, but address them directly) as they chose to be addressed. Believe me when I say I needed my parent more than ever after that experience.

@Missj25 I was trying to explain to another poster why sensible people are unhappy if their child starts dating a trans person. We all want our children to be happy and have healthy relationships. Trans people come with a lot of baggage and the activists with a determination to separate their partner from anyone who sees the world differently. They are full of hate but ascribe this to anyone who disagrees with them. No disagreement is not "hate" - but forcing your views on others is controlling and bullying.

There is also the narrative here that you must accept anything from your child or lose them. Well in some cases maybe it's not much of a loss. Of course most people will try to cling on to some sort of a relationship so their child has a way back when they realise how much harm they have suffered. But you cant force a relationship on someone who has decided you are hateful and evil for daring to have a different view to them. Maybe they will grow up one day, maybe not.

Trans identified male = transwoman = man

To put the space between 'trans' and 'woman' suggests that a transwoman is simply a sub-category of "woman,' like "black woman" or "tall woman."

It's gender ideology extremism. And therefore bollocks (quite literally in 80% of the cases).

Trans identified male is a GC term. So most people completely reject trans as the modifier that genderists think it is.

I don’t believe in their ideology so I’m not going to call a group of women “men”. Ditto the men.

Occasionally I've seen surveys that ask if I know what those words mean. I never know what to say because I know what I mean when I use those words but I don't know for sure what anyone else means! Different people think they mean different things and I have to work out what they really mean from the context or from what I know about their own views and usage.

Haven’t read the full thread, but my eldest went through a wanting to be called he stage (it’s a bit uncertain now and I just avoid pronouns just in case), there was also a period of dating a six foot, broad shouldered person in ill fitting dresses. I’m not a believer, but we took the view that our relationship with our child was more important than having to be dogmatic about how other people like to present themselves and we try to just be nice and polite and tried to use the right names, but avoided pronouns.

It wasn’t ideal from our point of view and our eldest is in a different relationship now, which seems more mainstream, but we don’t enquire about pro nouns.

We took the view of suck it up and accept that this is how they wanted to live there life and we could be part of it or not. and it wasn’t as though they were in a relationship with a reform voter or worse a Birmingham City fan!

This. “Ripped the family apart”. Get a grip.

MumofYoungTransAdult has it right. See above.

From OP: As a middle aged heterosexual woman, if I was single and looking to date I want a biological man not a woman pretending to be a man. But that is you and has no relevance to what your DD wants and feels. Love is a form of madness, we all know that - she, like all of us have been or are, swept away with this relationship. It will go where it will go, and arguing your case will not achieve anything except likely entrench it more firmly.

One way to achieve good relationships with AC is to make sure that they know you respect them as well as love them. I do think you need to respect her decisions - you do not have to agree with them - you just have to stand back and bide your time.

I wonder if you are concerned about how you will look to your friends and family if you are not seen to take a firm stand over this? I can think of no other reason for your stance, knowing as you do that it will destroy your relationship with your DD.

The road of trans people is a rocky one and she will need you by her side.

It is confusing and I also think it’s deliberate. Many people don’t think a man should be called a woman even if it has trans in front of it so;

Trans identified male = Man
Trans identified female = Woman

i personally try to use the above when I can.

Indeed and this makes me sad. But she is an adult and must make her own choices. All I can do is to be there for her and love her. And tell her so.

The language is super confusing (possibly deliberately so) There are a lot of arguments about it and people complain bitterly if you get it wrong. For a long time the terms "trans identified female" and "trans identifed male" were not allowed on MumsNet and using them could get our posts deleted if someone complained. I don't know if the rules have changed. They were considered offensive because it was rude to point out a person's biological sex.

I still use the terms "transwoman" (meaning biological male, identifies as woman / wants to be female; "trans identified male") and "transman" (meaning biological female, identifies as man/ wants to be male; "trans identified female")

"Trans identified male/female" is in many ways clearer and it also covers non-binary and other non-standard identities which are all "trans", but as I said above it's deprecated.

Whether you put a space between "transwoman" and "trans woman" is a whole other argument. I don't because (a) I am old, and (b) the space makes things more confusing because "trans woman" and "trans identified woman" mean exactly opposite things.

I hope this helps and I do hope it doesn't get my post deleted!