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Original poster

So apparently I am a hateful bigot. Who knew?!

188 replies

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 21:59

This has been playing on my mind since it happened. In a pub on Thursday night just gone. Very old building - toilets not great. No separate mens/ladies. Go through one door and there are 3 cubicles for all. Everyone has to queue together in this very small space. Big queue - a 6 foot 4 ish man with a beard wearing a flowery blue dress and lipstick, who was stood behind me, suggested that we speed things up by "us girls" going in together. I refused. That led to a tirade of abuse including that I was a hateful old bigot and it was known that 'girls' always shared a loo. Obviously he told all his pals at the table he was sat at, and they loudly discussed my transphobia until I necked my drink and left. It has been bothering me ever since! Just sharing/venting more than anything.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 20/08/2023 02:10

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 22:20

I do think it was more that he wanted validation than anything else. Just two girls sharing a loo, like we all apparently do...

Show quote history

Sounds more like plain old sexual harassment to me. Dude wanted to make you uncomfortable.

NitroNine · 20/08/2023 00:50

I’m so sorry OP. Noticeable that the Beardéd Ones little chums were happy to attack you, but didn’t leap into validating action themselves. A mystery.

literalviolence · 20/08/2023 00:45

"A girl is a female child. I've been an adult for over 30 years. Also, are you assuming my gender identity? You need to stop mis-gendering me you hateful bigot. This is literal violence"

So sorry you had to go through this OP. I think this is awful. The man tried to use you for his own gratification and his friends bullied you.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 20/08/2023 00:36

You should of told him you identified as a man op.

Back in my dodgy nightclub days, I'd go in the loos with my mate, but only because they either purposely didn't have locks on the cubicles or locks were broken, so one would hold door shut while the other went the loo, then swapped.

Men thinking women all go the loo together is just another wank fantasy.

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 20/08/2023 00:17

Kat19899 · 20/08/2023 00:13

Yes, of course. Just trying to picture the scene and whether this was someone trying to pass for female or long beard, hairy chest etc.

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Usually their physique and gait give them away even if they are a baby faced smoothie.

Sounds awful OP!

ThreeLocusts · 20/08/2023 00:16

OP it sounds absolutely dire - especially the other ppl in the queue ignoring the situation, and the idiotic handmaidens. No wonder you are still thinking about it. Kudos to you for standing your ground. Flowers

Kat19899 · 20/08/2023 00:13

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:11

Let me think...like hair growing out of the chin and face of an adult male?

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Yes, of course. Just trying to picture the scene and whether this was someone trying to pass for female or long beard, hairy chest etc.

RealityFan · 19/08/2023 23:49

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:43

You'd shout out in any other situation you felt at risk, why not this one?

Honestly? Because I was embarrassed. Nobody else seemed bothered. Although they were all men. I didn't want to "make a scene". It is hard enough getting out and about with my disabled husband. We already draw attention. He is stroke disabled and it makes him look and sound pissed. I have had SO many arguments with SO many bouncers about how, no, he isn't drunk, he has had a stroke. I wasn't able to deal with something else, which I knew I would be blamed for, by being a woman over 40 with a voice.

and breathe.

Sorry, no pressure.

I am wondering what sort of world it is that this suggestion/tactic can even be considered.

And that if you were to make it known to people around you, you would be ignored or even belittled.

It makes me very angry that men have lost so much status, they should be at the very least supportive if you felt the need to ask for help.
For you to feel like men would not support you is maddening.

Had I been there and overheard this, you would not have been alone in dealing with this guy.

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:43

You'd shout out in any other situation you felt at risk, why not this one?

Honestly? Because I was embarrassed. Nobody else seemed bothered. Although they were all men. I didn't want to "make a scene". It is hard enough getting out and about with my disabled husband. We already draw attention. He is stroke disabled and it makes him look and sound pissed. I have had SO many arguments with SO many bouncers about how, no, he isn't drunk, he has had a stroke. I wasn't able to deal with something else, which I knew I would be blamed for, by being a woman over 40 with a voice.

and breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:34

RealityFan · 19/08/2023 23:30

Serious suggestion. Time to alert everyone else in the vicinity. I'm sorry, but this is akin to premeditated assault.

You'd shout out in any other situation you felt at risk, why not this one?

Time to see who amongst Joe and Joanna Public are prepared to stand up and defend a woman under pressure.

The city it happened in is very....taken.

I don't know why I am flowering around like it's some state secret. It was York.

OP posts:
RealityFan · 19/08/2023 23:30

Serious suggestion. Time to alert everyone else in the vicinity. I'm sorry, but this is akin to premeditated assault.

You'd shout out in any other situation you felt at risk, why not this one?

Time to see who amongst Joe and Joanna Public are prepared to stand up and defend a woman under pressure.

OnAPostItNote · 19/08/2023 23:24

He’s just a sicko. Forget it. It takes x amount of seconds to pee per person. Cramming yourself in a cubical with a man won’t make it any faster. To suggest you are the problem is incredible.

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:22

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/08/2023 23:21

Maybe it's what men really think, women go to the toilet in pairs when out frequently, Maybe they do believe we go in the cubicles together. Only ever seen it happen a couple of times and they were so drunk they were holding each other up.

I can certainly say I have shared a cubicle with my best pals and sister. Usually whilst heavily in the cups. It is never quicker. Often funny though.

Random 6 foot 4 man in flowery blue dress? No.

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 19/08/2023 23:21

Maybe it's what men really think, women go to the toilet in pairs when out frequently, Maybe they do believe we go in the cubicles together. Only ever seen it happen a couple of times and they were so drunk they were holding each other up.

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:18

Don't be daft. He was a girl.

A strapping bearded over 6 feet tall girl. I would definitely have had a pillow fight with him, after we had shared a cubicle and swapped tampons Wink

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 19/08/2023 23:17

Badgaston · 19/08/2023 22:15

How creepy! I’ve only shared a loo with my female children. I wouldn’t share a loo with a female random stranger yet alone a male stranger.

Don't be daft. He was a girl.

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:15

agent765 · 19/08/2023 23:15

I think I might have looked him slowly up and down and asked "us girls?" in a sneery voice.

If I'm a victim of male violence in a women's toilet so be it. It's bound to happen one day soon when men are trying to gain access to our spaces.

I wish I had. Had more drink been taken I probably, foolishly, would have done. I was in a queue trapped with a man over a foot taller than me and other people ignoring it and staring at their phones.

OP posts:
Hepwo · 19/08/2023 23:15

NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 22:57

I've been on MN, on and off, since 2003.

As I mentioned, I rarely post on FWR because I am still learning and am usually left speechless by the intellect of the posters here. So I read, and digest.

I posted because it has been playing on my mind since Thursday. Nothing more.

Can you put something on an anonymous Google review to earn people?

agent765 · 19/08/2023 23:15

I think I might have looked him slowly up and down and asked "us girls?" in a sneery voice.

If I'm a victim of male violence in a women's toilet so be it. It's bound to happen one day soon when men are trying to gain access to our spaces.

RufustheFactualReindeer · 19/08/2023 23:14

mtw · 19/08/2023 23:10

Everyone is missing the bigger picture!! He shouldn't be allowed to go into the women's loo period!! Never mind about having a conversation about sharing like he's one of us!! No
You are a man.

No one is missing the bigger picture

he wasn’t in the ladies loo…

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:11

Kat19899 · 19/08/2023 23:10

What did the beard look like?

Let me think...like hair growing out of the chin and face of an adult male?

OP posts:
Kat19899 · 19/08/2023 23:10

What did the beard look like?

Original poster
NoChanceYouMetalBastard · 19/08/2023 23:10

How would that have sped things up? I would never go into a cubicle with a stranger man or woman, and if I see two women going in together I would assume they're on drugs - that's probably what's I'd have said.
Sounds like this very tall person was looking to pick a fight

I keep answering this! It doesn't speed things up, but, in my experience, it is not unusual for women friends to share a cubicle. From a basic point of view, it makes the queue seem shorter to those waiting. He wasn't trying to pick a fight. He was seeking validation from the only woman in the queue - me. Had he wanted to fight - he had many other men to pick from.

OP posts:
mtw · 19/08/2023 23:10

Everyone is missing the bigger picture!! He shouldn't be allowed to go into the women's loo period!! Never mind about having a conversation about sharing like he's one of us!! No
You are a man.

mtw · 19/08/2023 23:08

It's a slippery road we are on, for all the other people who are replying with oh well , move on kind people f response I challenge you to imagine your young daughter being in a bathroom with this big hairy man.