Working with teens, I'm struggling with the pronoun issue in the office.

It's not HRT if men take it.

@ValancyRedfern playing devil's advocate a bit and not trying to deliberately provoke you. But I do think unconscious iteration of an unthinking culture is problematic if you are teaching youth. It is part of where the problem stems from in the first place. I do have the utmost respect for teachers who see their profession as a true vocation. And I know it is a ridiculously demanding job that isn't given the status it really deserves. But I think teachers of youth need to lead. I think it is a responsibility. We all learned to speak at one point in our lives, we also learn languages, we can relearn things.

@Blackoutbeans I can't speak for the other poster but that is indeed a lot of school's policies informed by stonewall.

It's surprising how few times I have to talk about any of the teenagers as opposed to to them. I mainly get by using their chosen name, and I put in a lot of confidence building, acceptance of oneself and resilience type of content without going anywhere near sex or gende in the hope that the teens I work with will feel happy enough in their own skins.

Sorry, completely clueless here and shouldn't take over op's post with my questions, however I am shocked!
Do you mean to say that if a pupil (male) comes to you and says 'I now identify as a female and want you to start calling me Samantha', that you are not allowed to tell the parents??
I really hope that I misunderstood this, because if that is how things are now, the world has really gone bonkers.
Sorry again op for derailing your post.

I'm not convinced that avoiding use of pronouns is a complete solution. While it avoids controversy, it nonetheless allows girls the illusion that they are not girls, for example.

I just don't think it's possible to only use names not pronouns, unless you work in a very slow paced job which allows a lot of thinking time before you speak. I used to try and use 'they' or names for some students and I think I managed about one sentence before reverting to 'she' completely unconsciously. When you're managing the behaviour, learning and wellbeing of 150 kids in a day in a practical subject, there is no headspace to re-form unconscious aspects of the English language at the same time.

Yes the misgendering issue goes away then. I have noticed several people skipping using any pronouns at all. Colleague X is "off camera" rather than "off her camera". Colleague Y is at lunch rather than "on her lunch". I think there will be adjustments, but it seems a way forward for those of us who find it so difficult. The problem is though enough of us need to do it, for it to become usual and therefore not stand out. It can done, the introduction of Ms into the English language was successful and somewhat normalised over time.

If you just use names you can't accidentally 'misgender' someone and it's easier as your brain is already conditioned to expect names to be individual as that is the function names fulfil in the English language. With pronouns it's virtually impossible not to slip up if you use mostly sex-based pronouns based on observation or previous usage, because what you're asking your brain to do is apply a rule in most instances and then make an exception some of the time. A bit like asking your brain to very occasionally say 'giraffe' when you see an elephant. Really tough cognitively. If you just use names, it's simple.

Honestly, I'm a big fan of this. I also think it's better for trans teens / children also for a myriad of reasons .

I think in certain situations this is the only way to get any work done. There was a thread a while ago (i can't remember what it was called sorry) where one of the posters explained how difficult it made doing anything because everyone in her workplace was changing pronouns with frequency and keeping up was becoming a full time job because everyone kept getting them wrong and having to go back and correct and then there was confusion because some people used 'they' pronouns individually so there was confusion whether it was an individual or group who were doing things.

Using names saves a lot of time. If pronouns are individual and not a signifier of belonging to a particular class (male, female or a group) then arguably they are redundant anyway as serve the same function as names in language. You might as well use names - means you have to only remember one thing for each person instead of two.

I've noticed increasing numbers of people not using any pronouns at all. I wonder if we all did that what would happen. The language would change over time. It might not be a bad thing at all? I do believe there are several languages that are entirely gender neutral. If it is insisted that our language changes, then maybe this is the way to guide it longer term by common usage. Not much help OP. But the lying about children on a daily basis would cause me a breakdown.

One of the things I've started doing is checking why whichever names and pronouns are being used. Is it the child's request, does their resonsible adult know, have they changed back? Sometimes there are different names on different systems or lists.

Just don't use pronouns.

I just use names. It gets easier if you do it a lot, honestly.

I find it actually helps the teens I deal with - often trans ideology becomes this huge thing that they spend hours obsessing over. Using names and not focusing on pronouns (where it's so easy to slip up) helps to focus on more important issues for them in my experience. Focusing on what they're doing with their life, what they CAN do , positive changes they CAN make rather than making it all about other people (who they ultimately can't control) and the impact of other people on them.

It's a really unhealthy way to look at the world, to be constantly looking for the slightest sign someone is unsupportive / needing constant affirmation they are supportive as the critical factor in your mental health. It doesn't prepare them well for adult life where the fact is, most people they'll encounter won't care about them either way.

No please don’t speaking freely doesn’t get easier

when any one says my pronoun is I just say no thank you set out the equality’s act refer to them by their name and leave it at that

compelled speech is not legal

No real advice but you have my sympathy. Good luck. You're doing important work. You might actually be the saving of somebody who needs help.

Don't even get me started on the occasions when I have to do a parent evening using their given legal name and sex yet address them as something else during school hours. Don't tell the parents they have a different name and gender, "it's all about safeguarding and the child's wishes must be respected" is the SLT mantra. Only it's the opposite.

I totally get it. I work in post 16 education. It's a minefield. Some want to talk about how men are taking over women's spaces and some compel us to affirm they are something other than male or female. I can't keep up and it fries my head. I do my best to use just their names if they are in the second camp. I get it wrong often. I apologise whilst inwardly seething that I shouldn't have to refer a clearly female ASD student as they, or a boy in a miniskirt as she. I just keep hoping that the strides being made towards biological reality as being a protected belief will keep being made and then I can get on with my job of teaching science rather than affirming gender ideology woo. I feel nothing but compassion for the students as they are swept along in the contagion and lack the wisdom and critical thinking skills to see how damaging this can be to them.

I think Dissidente has it right - you can do far more good for these young people if you can stay in role. I actually think any pronoun use in the presence of the young person is more damaging (social transition) than use in the office. I would go with names wherever possible. I don’t really think there’s an option other than name or preferred pronoun, unless ‘they’ is always acceptable in your office.

It is important, though, that you find a way to make it ok for you - remembering that it is critical these young people have access to someone who will offer them a route back, not just cheer them on might help?

I'd just use the name. The pronouns would be lying. And if it sounds clunky, which it will, people will notice but not be able to say anything.

Hi OP. I'm in a similar situation, have been for a while. It's really hard. I started asking questions a few weeks ago, (after my probation finished) taking it very cautiously. My feeling is that leaving would not help the young people. Neither would getting fired for saying the wrong thing. So slow and careful it is.

I work in pharmacy so not in direct patient care but I come across them everyday obviously.
We get loads of trans women picking up their very in short supply HRT scripts and I always use their name, never ever use a pronoun. I just can’t do it.
Our local GP is a specialist in gender affirming care for (thankfully) adult trans people, so we get loads of them in our shop.

I was thinking of your own mental health which I think will suffer in this role but if that's not helpful I'll bow out.

I would think very carefully about talking to these teens about transition unless that's your role in company. I don't think that would end well for you.