Angry with my non binary brother- how to help SIL

Ironically, Barbie and Ken, whilst being at different ends of the gender spectrum, are both sexless, having no genitalia at all.

When someone at work did it, they sent an "all staff" email announcing it, giving their new name and their pronouns.

No Think about it.

That's exactly what you are saying. You are saying abandon her to it because it's none of your business. Don't give her support because it's going to be a car crash and your involvement isn't worth doing.

Oh it absolutely is because what she needs now is to know she's not alone and she's not going mad and yes her husband is behaving in an appalling way to her.

I genuinely mean that. Its such a lonely cold place to be. It's like your whole world is collapsing. Knowing someone gets it, means the world.

Agree.
Plus not telling SIL privately shows complete disrespect.
Id walk away, he’s being abusive

Classic controlling abusive behaviour by this man. Most of this fad is about controlling others if you ask me. Your SIL needs to distance herself from this prick asap. She needs to protect her kids from his abusive behaviour.

please keep reiterating to your brother he is a he, he is the father of children he has a responsibility to those children they are not there to validate him. He can call you all the names under the Sun but he is a nasty man who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about any of the people in his life.

im sorry your family are going through this.

It must be hard to respect pronouns when they are a constant reminder that your marriage has become a sham.

Oh just realised they might mean She as in the SIL - have reported my post for removal 😂 <slaps wrist>

Or green 😁

How does your SIL feel? For me, if I was your SIL, I’d leave. He’s not the person she thought he was. I think all you can do is offer support and keep the lines of communication open so she knows you’re there for her. It sounds like your brother is being hugely abusive towards her.

I didn't mean that and well you know it. Given his behaviour so far do you think it's going to make a blind bit of difference.

If OP's brother had any consideration whatsoever he would have shown it to his wife.

I also wonder how he managed to cope with the “harmful wrong pronouns” for the previous 40 years of his life?

Well, exactly. I agree that most (all?) people are non binary - because what would the opposite of that be? Some hyper feminine/ hyper masculine Barbie/ Ken type people?

What I am sure about is the person’s gender identity needs to be respected and accommodated.

Does it?

Why?

"Keep your mouth shut and let your brother emotionally abuse your SIL and her kids cos it's not going to end well anyway"

Hot take that.

It's all very well saying it about a friend or someone you know too.

I think the whole thing is like shoving a grenade into a family and expecting everyone to carry on as if nothing has changed.

The reality of it is so enormous it's difficult to comprehend from 'the outside' where other people feed you inane pathetic ill thought out shallow platitudes like

'They are still the same person'

Or

'It's just the same as being gay'

Or

'But it's only pronouns, you should respect them if you love them'.

It's clueless. Utterly clueless.

And has such a massive blindspot to the emotional abuse that accompanies it.

I wouldn't get involved. The whole thing isn't going to end well and not for your SIL. All you can do is be there for both of them independently.

What I am sure about is the person’s gender identity needs to be respected and accommodated.

So everyone else in the family must shut up and put up with abuse whilst this person figures out whichever gender identity is their 'true self' ?

Who they really are is man, because they’re an adult human male. What they want is for everyone to play along that they’re something other than what they really are. That is in no way comparable to the homophobia gay people experienced, or the homophobia that gender ideology is now reintroducing by claiming same sex attraction isn’t a real thing, it’s same “gender” attraction.

Their point was "I'm still the same person after all"

Absolutely this point about it being the greatest lie.

They say this, whilst simultaneously asking to be treated differently and behaviour in a different manner.

It's a contradiction that can not be unpicked.

And that's without all the hurt and betrayal on top.

They are a stranger. They are someone totally different to the one that the SIL married.

The lack of respect really caps it off.

I do. Gasp maybe I'm non-binary and I didn't know?

Whatever ‘feeling’ like a man or woman is. It’s all gender bollocks and I’m not afraid of saying it or being accused of being a transphobe (whatever that is either).

People like your brother are attention seeking, narcissistic twats. I know there are people who really suffer from gender confusion and truly believe they were born in the wrong body and suffer a lot of genuine anguish because of it and for them I have sympathy but people like your brother, who seems to be revelling in the attention are, in my view, frauds.

The problem here is the 'good faith' problem.

The good faith problem assumes that there is a willingness for the women in the equation to be respected by the other party.

This simply doesn't play out in practice and there is something of a social expectation for the woman to do all the accommodating.

This man is already making demands and using emotional abuse to get what he wants and to manipulate the SIL.

He has absolutely no intention of giving an inch. Why?

Because the whole point is about control and asserting power over the rest of the family.

This pattern repeats constantly. The drive to remove agency from the woman and to stress that any desires / identity issues she may have come secondary to the man.

That is coercive.

It also assumes that the rest of the family MUST be Believers of the Faith.

Newsflash: they are under no obligation to become signed up members of Genderism if they don't believe in it.

The psychological impact on the wife and kids and how damaging this is, isn't a minor thing. Why should they be collateral damage to Dad's revelations?

I'm sorry but no.

"No" is a complete sentence. The wife did not consent to this, nor does she have to if she is unhappy. She is within her rights to say no and not try and play 'happy families' if it means she's living a lie and it makes her miserable and unable to express her own thoughts and feelings for fear of hurting the man's feelings.

And that's what it is - walking on eggshells and constantly having to bow to the slightest infraction.

I’d like to recommend an American book for the SIL, sister, and others experiencing the pain of autogynophilic men transitioning away from marriage. Christine Benevento’s Changes: A Memoir of Marriage, Gender, and Moving On is the autobiography of a wife and mother of young children becoming a trans widow and leaving her former husband who now identified as a woman. The former husband is AGP, and resents her wife’s unenthusiastic reaction to these changes and how they will affect their marriage and children. It was written in 2012, but anticipated many trends. I have no financial interest, but the book is a good way to gain affirmation while you find support from a therapist or trans widow.

I've posted before about a conversation I had years ago with a TW.

They were very hurt by their wife and children's difficulties in coming to terms with their "authentic self" and spoiling their happiness.

Their point was "I'm still the same person after all".

They simply couldn't accept their happiness had come at a great cost to their family and that no, they were not the same person their wife and children thought they knew.

Either they had been lying for years by failing to disclose their gender identity and in doing so selfishly denied their wife the ability to know who she was marrying and having children with, or he was lying now about the reasons for wanting to transition.

His wife and children didn't look at Lola (made up name) and still "see" Len. They saw a total stranger who looked exactly what they were - a man in women's clothes who was demanding to be called by a new name and had renounced the word father.

Imagine what that does to a child. You can't call me Dad anymore....but then be hurt because the child doesn't "see" the "same person they have always been".

The person they thought they knew wouldn't have behaved in this way, been so selfish and narcissistic. They had become a very different person or had spent over a decade pretending to be someone they weren't.

Your brother wants to have his cake and eat it and frankly he's not presenting as NB - he's presenting as a TW.

I'd be supportive of your SIL and tell her to get the hell out of this marriage sooner rather than later.

She might be worried about the children but they will do better with her than if she tries to stay. He may apply for contact but it's hard to enforce if the children don't want to see him (and he is bullying them re: pronouns) and tbh he's likely to be far too immersed in his gender euphoria to give a shit about them anyway.

Personally I'd pack my bags and move as far from him as possible to start again.