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Original poster

Using "they/their" pronouns by default?

33 replies

CascadiaHoney · 22/03/2023 11:05

DD goes to an all-girls state secondary school. Every week, they send out a newsletter which includes any special achievements by the girls, eg "Olivia S (9 Ash class) got a distinction in her grade 5 piano exam". They have a few trans boys and non-binary students, so sometimes you might see, "Felix B (8 Willow class) raised £124 for the RSPCA with his sponsored litter-pick", or "Clay P (10 Beech class) will be selling free-range eggs from their chickens at break time this Friday".

Recently, I have noticed that all the students in certain year groups seem to have they/their pronouns (there are usually about eight students mentioned per year group). First one year group, then another, and now a third year group, seem to exclusively use they and their. The other year groups (so far) are still mostly using she/her.

Is it really likely that all eight of a random sample of children (per year group of 240) are now choosing to use they/their pronouns? It seems so sudden - this has happened over just a few weeks. Or does this reflect the ideology of the HoY of certain year groups (the list of students with special achievements in each year group is collated by their HoY) who perhaps want they/their pronouns to become the default for everybody? In which case, surely the girls who haven't chosen to use they/their pronouns are being misgendered! Should I query this with school, or will I be "that" parent? I'm otherwise very happy with the school and think they do a great job under difficult circumstances.

For context, DS is at the brother school and their newsletter is full of he/his...

OP posts:
JacquelinePot · 22/03/2023 13:24

PomegranateOfPersephone · 22/03/2023 13:13

I have said it before on other threads but I suspect that the non binaries will win because it is easier for people to default to they/them. I see it everywhere now.

As we all know, and as Caroline Criado Perez pointed out in her excellent book, when gender neutral is the “norm”, it generally ends up meaning that male is the default, or what comes out on top.

I agree with CurlewKate about defaulting to female pronouns when we don’t know or it doesn’t matter. I continue to do this and I love how empowering it feels, as with using other words of the female sex, sister, mother, daughter.

Gender neutral spaces are easier for businesses and public services to administer, especially now because “No policing anyone’s gender” which is absolutely fraught.

People are lazy and using he or she for some reason is 3 letters too much for many people.

Non-binary, gender neutral, mixed sex, pretending there are no differences between the sexes is easier in public policy and business. It is however bad for women and girls when none of our needs can be acknowledged and we are just smaller, weaker, more inconvenient (due to biological processes) employees or service users.

I am not quite sure how those who want “validation” as the opposite sex get what they want in this system either but I imagine that the “AMAB” ones will work it out.

My workplace has mixed sex toilets and changing rooms labelled “Staff Only” for the “staff”, one room per floor. I don’t like it but I don’t feel able to say so.

If everyone is they/them, nonbinaries don't win. They/them only carries cred when it is limited to the special few who are clever enough to not be boring old women or men like the rest of us

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 22/03/2023 13:21

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PomegranateOfPersephone · 22/03/2023 13:13

I have said it before on other threads but I suspect that the non binaries will win because it is easier for people to default to they/them. I see it everywhere now.

As we all know, and as Caroline Criado Perez pointed out in her excellent book, when gender neutral is the “norm”, it generally ends up meaning that male is the default, or what comes out on top.

I agree with CurlewKate about defaulting to female pronouns when we don’t know or it doesn’t matter. I continue to do this and I love how empowering it feels, as with using other words of the female sex, sister, mother, daughter.

Gender neutral spaces are easier for businesses and public services to administer, especially now because “No policing anyone’s gender” which is absolutely fraught.

People are lazy and using he or she for some reason is 3 letters too much for many people.

Non-binary, gender neutral, mixed sex, pretending there are no differences between the sexes is easier in public policy and business. It is however bad for women and girls when none of our needs can be acknowledged and we are just smaller, weaker, more inconvenient (due to biological processes) employees or service users.

I am not quite sure how those who want “validation” as the opposite sex get what they want in this system either but I imagine that the “AMAB” ones will work it out.

My workplace has mixed sex toilets and changing rooms labelled “Staff Only” for the “staff”, one room per floor. I don’t like it but I don’t feel able to say so.

piedbeauty · 22/03/2023 12:27

Our school now uses they/their for all students. Presumably to make things easier for teachers/admin staff.

Catabogus · 22/03/2023 11:21

I have seen this occasionally in school communications but assumed it was the use of a template - eg weekly names just get added to a sentence which already says “Well done to X of Y class for their great achievement in Z”. Could it be this?

JacquelinePot · 22/03/2023 11:18

Doesn't this mean that (within their own ideology) they are 'misgendering' i.e. committing 'literal villence' against most of the children?

CurlewKate · 22/03/2023 11:18

Personally, I will always use people's preferred pronouns if I know them. If not, I ALWAYS use she/her. We have a lot of years of default he/him to make up, and I feel I need to do my bit.

PriOn1 · 22/03/2023 11:12

Social contagion. Hopefully, if nobody makes a big fuss, they’ll grow out of it.