DD said babysitter told her men can become women

Makemetry · 16/02/2023 00:07

I’ve had similar. I just told her no that can’t really happen. People can wear any thing they want but you can’t change from boy to girl. If I put some bunny ears on a cat would it now be a rabbit?

tartanlass1 · 15/02/2023 22:59

I’d be getting a new babysitter

Rainallnight · 15/02/2023 18:32

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 13:20

I know what the phrase 'legal fiction' means, having been heavily involved in the adoption process, so your Wikipedia link isn't needed.

What's the comparison you were making? You either think adoptive parents are parents (just not biological ones) or aren't parents at all. If you fall into the latter camp then your opinion is absolutely bizarre tbh.

FYI I'm adopted and my parents are my parents. HTH.

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@ChateauMargaux You made the point in public, so you can defend it in public. My parenting of my children is not a legal fiction.

OP, the babysitter has way overstepped. I think I’d be inclined just to never use he again and tell her why.

Delphinium20 · 15/02/2023 18:26

Knowing how much teenagers are bombarded with TWAW and other gender nonsense, if she's otherwise lovely, I would assume your babysitter may think she's being a good person by talking with your child. This is an excellent opportunity for you to have a friendly, yet clear and firm conversation with babysitter that this wasn't an appropriate discussion with children and that what she's speaking about is most likely not shared by all parents and children are very susceptible to all kinds of beliefs and this is a belief not fact based assertion. Give her guidance.

nepeta · 15/02/2023 18:11

This is no different from a babysitter teaching the child about Jesus or Buddha or Mohammad etc. Not something the sitter should do as it is the job of the parents.

ScrollingLeaves · 15/02/2023 14:42

It isn’t an opinion, but a belief on her part.

If she is very confused about biology it may be pure ignorance not even a belief. She is as wrong about the biology of sex as she would be saying the earth is flat.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2023 14:31

MiniEggsz · 15/02/2023 10:50

I would say something along the lines of:
She's probably a bit confused.
Some people think that what makes you a boy or a girl is your name, hair or clothes, but we know that isn't true.
Did you know that people used to think girls couldn't wear trousers? Some people still are a bit upset by that! Very silly. Whether you're a boy or girl is determined when the baby starts growing in their mummy's tummy, nothing can change that. Boys and girls can wear anything, play with any toys and it doesn't actually change anything about them.

Maybe start a little project together about mammals, which will gently and indirectly reinforce.
'My body is me' is a nice book too.

But I would like to know how an earth this came up in conversation. I would be very concerned. Some people get a kick of messing with little children's heads.

This is the way imo to handle it with a 6 yo imo. I think your approach would be better for an older child of maybe 10.

As for your babysitter. Do you have to use her again? She’s way overstepped. I would be tempted to sack her. Regardless, I would tell her the lesson she gave was confusing and completely inappropriate for a young child. She is not a qualified to teach sensitive subjects in an age appropriate way.

purplecheesecat · 15/02/2023 14:16

I’d simply explain your beliefs to DD, then explain that the babysitter has different beliefs. Then a quick email to the babysitter to say that if similar topics come up, she should avoid talking about them and refer them back to you. Personally I don’t think this is a massive issue

Original poster

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/02/2023 13:50

MadamAndTheAnts · 15/02/2023 13:22

This is clearly an attempt to indoctrinate your DC with hardcore trend ideology at a young age. It should NEVER EVER have come up. It is WRONG!! You should NEVER allow a third party to indoctrinate your child again!!!

I’m assuming this is sarcasm? Or maybe not.

I don’t think she’s trying to ”indoctrinate” in my children. I do think she believes that her beliefs about gender are right and fair and thought, mistakenly, it would be ok to share these views as facts.

OP posts:

lordloveadog · 15/02/2023 13:37

In adoption, the consensus is that it is best to be open and clear about how the children's family was formed. The adoptive parents are the legal parents and the ones carrying out the parenting.

One of the red flags about sex-denialism is that it encourages concealment and shame about bodies and origins.

CryptoFascistMadameCholet · 15/02/2023 13:36

MadamAndTheAnts · 15/02/2023 13:22

This is clearly an attempt to indoctrinate your DC with hardcore trend ideology at a young age. It should NEVER EVER have come up. It is WRONG!! You should NEVER allow a third party to indoctrinate your child again!!!

Give it a rest mate, your ‘jokes’ aren’t funny.

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 13:35

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/02/2023 13:31

I know what a legal fiction is, and adoption isn’t a legal fiction so yes, not a good example on any level.

Bizarre thing for that poster to bring up, wasn't it? Very odd.

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/02/2023 13:31

I know what a legal fiction is, and adoption isn’t a legal fiction so yes, not a good example on any level.

MadamAndTheAnts · 15/02/2023 13:22

This is clearly an attempt to indoctrinate your DC with hardcore trend ideology at a young age. It should NEVER EVER have come up. It is WRONG!! You should NEVER allow a third party to indoctrinate your child again!!!

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 13:20

ChateauMargaux · 15/02/2023 13:13

@monsteramunch not wanting to derail the conversation as it is potentially another controversial and emotive topic, I have sent you a link by PM. Maybe in hindsight it was not the best example to use.

I know what the phrase 'legal fiction' means, having been heavily involved in the adoption process, so your Wikipedia link isn't needed.

What's the comparison you were making? You either think adoptive parents are parents (just not biological ones) or aren't parents at all. If you fall into the latter camp then your opinion is absolutely bizarre tbh.

FYI I'm adopted and my parents are my parents. HTH.

Thelnebriati · 15/02/2023 13:15

I think you handled it well, but I wouldn't hire a babysitter again if they had crossed a boundary like that.

ChateauMargaux · 15/02/2023 13:13

@monsteramunch not wanting to derail the conversation as it is potentially another controversial and emotive topic, I have sent you a link by PM. Maybe in hindsight it was not the best example to use.

wingingit1987 · 15/02/2023 13:10

I think you handled it well. I imagine this conversation will crop up on most households at some point, probably sooner than parents anticipate, because it’s being so widely discussed and becoming more common an occurrence. However, the babysitter should have directed your child to you for that conversation.

monsteramunch · 15/02/2023 13:07

@ChateauMargaux

When we talk to children about religion, we say, some people believe and while we respect their beliefs, we do not hold the same beliefs. When we talk to children about adoption (another legal fiction) we tell them that their adoptive parents are their parents even though they didn't give birth / provide the sperm.

How is adoption a 'legal fiction'?

cigiwi · 15/02/2023 13:05

I don't think the 'everyone has different opinions' approach is appropriate with your own children.

'Some people think the earth is flat, but of course they're wrong' would seem better, no? (Because it's true.)

So ... 'Some people seem to think people can change sex, but really (though we shouldn't be unkind to them, or shout at them or anything like that), those people are really just a bit silly; of course you can't change sex. If you're a girl, you'll grow up to be a woman like mummy; your brother will be a man like daddy when he grows up. What a silly-billy your babysitter is, isn't she? Fancy thinking people can change sex!'

[My own children grown up before this nonsense started, I have had similar conversations with grandchildren.]

Jellycatspyjamas · 15/02/2023 12:59

When we talk to children about adoption (another legal fiction) we tell them that their adoptive parents are their parents even though they didn't give birth / provide the sperm.

What the hell? Comparing adoption to trans issues? In what way are adoptive parents not parents?

OP, I’d be concerned about a babysitter having sensitive conversations with my kids and 6 is too young to understand the complexities around the issue. I think you’ve done well in explaining to your child, and would explore with the babysitter how it came up for discussion with a clear expectation that she redirects your kids to you.

ChateauMargaux · 15/02/2023 12:50

It is very difficult when faced with a close relative or friend who insists that you and your children become part of their fiction and play along with the narrative that gender trumps sex and that pronouns refer to gender and not sex.

Original poster

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/02/2023 12:46

Ameanstreakamilewide · 15/02/2023 11:48

My (so called non-binary) niece told my son that she's a boy.

My husband had to have a word with his brother about it.
Some of the family play along with her nonsense to keep things somewhat sweet. But you don't pull that shit on my son.

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I means it’s a tough one isn’t it. I’d like my children to be accepting of people dressing however they want, calling themselves whatever name they want etc. whilst at the same time knowing that someone cannot change sex and that someone’s sex will remain the same forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/02/2023 12:45

ItsaMetalBand · 15/02/2023 11:13

It's not really a trans issue is it? That's the topic at the moment but the topic could be anything from religion, sex, veganism, Santa, and the tooth fairy where people have different beliefs.

And a nanny should refer all and any of those to you, not impose her own beliefs on your little one. I can be a bit dim but even I knew from 13 onwards if little ones ask those kind of questions, you refer them to mum.

I mean you’re right that if she had asserted her opinion as fact about anything else like religion then I would have had the same issue too.

However I am interested in hearing how people would deal with this specific topic because in its particularly controversial at the moment, and also the existence of sex and the fact it can’t change isn’t really a ‘belief’ in the same way something like religion is. So I was just interested how people respect differences of opinion while also conveying the reality of sex.

OP posts:

Ameanstreakamilewide · 15/02/2023 11:48

Weallgottachangesometime · 15/02/2023 10:03

Wonder how to approach this-

Today my daughter told me that her baby sitter (who is 19) told her men can become women. I can’t recall my daughters etc words but she mentioned something about surgery to make a man a woman. My DD is 6 and so obviously just accepted what she was told.

I basically told my DD the following -
some men and women want to change sex, so a male might want to be female. People can choose to change their names, ask other people to call them different name and can change what their wear or how they do their hair. They can also change their bodies by taking medicine or having surgery but a male will always be a male and a female always a female. I then gave her the example of her dad. Her dad could change his name to Sarah, wear a dress and ask everyone to refer to him as she, he could also have his body changed with surgery. However he would always be a male. He would always have male hormones in his body and would never be female, be able to have a baby or have a womb etc.

I explained that everyone has differ opinions about if people can change sex.

This is a baby sitter we use infrequently so not someone seeing the children regularly and she is generally very good. I’m wondering if I should speak to her about the conversation she had and ask her to avoid sharing her views. However I wonder if, on the other hand, it’s useful for the kids to hear varying opions and that I should help them hear different opions and make up their own minds?

any thoughts?

My (so called non-binary) niece told my son that she's a boy.

My husband had to have a word with his brother about it.
Some of the family play along with her nonsense to keep things somewhat sweet. But you don't pull that shit on my son.