Chucked out of FB group - Host a Sister

Patty2012 · 2023-02-06T21:20:44+00:00

So, I got kicked out of a FB group today. It's called 'Host a Sister'. It's basically couch-surfing for women, but it's also something that's been used by women fleeing war-torn areas or domestic violence. The whole group is intended to be a safe space for women who travel and who would like to be hosted by other women - for obvious reasons. A "queer, non-binary" couple - one woman, one man - otherwise known as a straight couple - were looking for somewhere to stay in Amsterdam. they looked pretty alternative and explained they were into the party scene. They came across as decent people. There must have been a few comments about one of them being a man though because the admin complained about how mean people were being, how offensive and how it was supposed to be an inclusive group and a safe space for women to travel. Hundreds and hundreds of women in the group agreed with the admin. And I just don't get it. So, I said so. And boom! Kicked out. How can these women not see it? How can they not see that predatory men need only say they're trans or non-binary to gain access to their homes? Or that they could be travelling and end up being tricked into staying in a man's house. This is why the group was created in the first place! I don't understand it. And there's no debate. I raised a concern and was ousted from the group. Why can't we just talk about it? Why don't those women know what the word "sister" means? Where are we going with this? It feels like the battle is already lost. AND - this is turning into a waffling rant - a few weeks ago, someone who I considered a very close friend - a man - texted me to ask me why I seemed to be so obsessed with women who have penises these days. I just replied, "There's no such thing as a woman with a penis" and he hasn't spoken to me since. We're CLOSE friends. And it's over. He's a big leftie - as am I - but doesn't seem to have put any thought into this. He just sees me as being unkind. I don't know what to do about it. Why would I suddenly be unkind? He KNOWS me. He KNOWS I'm not unkind.

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 15:10

FatSealSmugSoup · 09/02/2023 14:18

Yeh. No.

Other groups I might be on - eg chicken owners, shiteventers, sewing don’t have their sole purpose as inviting strangers into my home for the night.

Strangers with a penis.

Keep on minimising as much as you want - and yes, you ARE very cool - but women don’t want strange men in their homes and this group is being deliberately misleading. Probably didn’t start out that way, admin are probably too scared to actually outright say “no cocks”.

Jeez, calming down may not be such a bad idea, ya know. If you don't want to invite a stranger into your house, you don't join the group. If you do want to invite a stranger into your house but want it to only be a woman, then you actually research the groups you're joining and don't rely on a funny/quirky name being foolproof. You're asked to read the rules before joining, so if you don't read the rules, don't be surprised if you've misunderstood the group. If that's still not good enough, you use an actual company that has to follow laws, does checks and has your back. Not a random Facebook group. Easy as that ;)

DemiColon · 09/02/2023 14:55

If the group is up-front that guests can be men then it's not a huge issue. People can use it or not as they see fit.

FatSealSmugSoup · 09/02/2023 14:18

Yeh. No.

Other groups I might be on - eg chicken owners, shiteventers, sewing don’t have their sole purpose as inviting strangers into my home for the night.

Strangers with a penis.

Keep on minimising as much as you want - and yes, you ARE very cool - but women don’t want strange men in their homes and this group is being deliberately misleading. Probably didn’t start out that way, admin are probably too scared to actually outright say “no cocks”.

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 12:19

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 11:49

Photographs can be filtered/facetuned or whatever they call it.

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Yes, I'm aware. My point is simply that you're at no more risk in this group than you are in any of the others. As far as these groups go, this one having the "norm" of including photos, descriptions of yourself etc is better than loads of other ones and I don't think it deserves to be bashed. There would be slightly less risk on a group that is solely for women, where it's advertised as such and included in the rules, where the admins verify profiles before accepting new members, etc, yes. People can seek those groups out, if they choose to. They can leave the groups they're not comfortable with. At the end of the day, even an Airbnb host could alter their photo and make people believe they're going to be sharing accommodation with a woman and not a man. But this group isn't just for women and doesn't claim to be in the rules/about section, despite the name "host a sister" which could do with being changed.

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 11:51

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 11:49

Absolutely everything is transphobic.

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Ah, yes! How could I have forgotten?

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 11:49

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 10:39

99.9% of posts on there include photos of the people who are seeking accommodation, you can add them as a friend and view their profile and there's obviously a lot of talk behind the scenes, once someone has accepted the hosting offer, so all of that definitely helps and if the hosts want to take more precautions, they can. If after all that you're not ok with the person you're supposed to be hosting, then you can always cancel. In my view, it's the same risk as any Couchsurfing group - you quite simply don't know the people hosting/staying with you and that's the risk you take.

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Photographs can be filtered/facetuned or whatever they call it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 11:49

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 10:34

But isn’t treating male-women differently to female-women transphobic or something?

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Absolutely everything is transphobic.

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 11:11

Beeinalily · 09/02/2023 10:48

Frustrating isn't it? I used to be in a FB group which claimed to be for freedom of speech. Then the administrator admitted that she was censoring posts and sometimes chucking people out for their views, so - freedom of speech as long as you agree with her! The only thing you can do is start another group if you have the fortitude. I couldn't be arsed.

Freedom of Speech… but not THAT speech.

😬

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 11:09

Beeinalily · 09/02/2023 10:48

Frustrating isn't it? I used to be in a FB group which claimed to be for freedom of speech. Then the administrator admitted that she was censoring posts and sometimes chucking people out for their views, so - freedom of speech as long as you agree with her! The only thing you can do is start another group if you have the fortitude. I couldn't be arsed.

Some groups are mad, I'm in a few that have an admin who's on a total power trip and argues with people over nothing, then threatens to remove them from the group if they don't profusely apologise to them on a public post. Absolute madness, I'd leave some of them if they weren't so damn useful.

Beeinalily · 09/02/2023 10:48

Frustrating isn't it? I used to be in a FB group which claimed to be for freedom of speech. Then the administrator admitted that she was censoring posts and sometimes chucking people out for their views, so - freedom of speech as long as you agree with her! The only thing you can do is start another group if you have the fortitude. I couldn't be arsed.

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 10:39

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 10:30

Mmm - hosts MUST be female, but the people they welcome into their homes can be merely "female-identifying" - and it is left to the honesty of the person seeking a bed to reveal whether they are biologically female or not.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance of anyone abusing the system . . .

99.9% of posts on there include photos of the people who are seeking accommodation, you can add them as a friend and view their profile and there's obviously a lot of talk behind the scenes, once someone has accepted the hosting offer, so all of that definitely helps and if the hosts want to take more precautions, they can. If after all that you're not ok with the person you're supposed to be hosting, then you can always cancel. In my view, it's the same risk as any Couchsurfing group - you quite simply don't know the people hosting/staying with you and that's the risk you take.

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 10:34

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 10:30

Mmm - hosts MUST be female, but the people they welcome into their homes can be merely "female-identifying" - and it is left to the honesty of the person seeking a bed to reveal whether they are biologically female or not.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance of anyone abusing the system . . .

But isn’t treating male-women differently to female-women transphobic or something?

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 10:30

Mmm - hosts MUST be female, but the people they welcome into their homes can be merely "female-identifying" - and it is left to the honesty of the person seeking a bed to reveal whether they are biologically female or not.

Obviously there is absolutely no chance of anyone abusing the system . . .

Lheuredubebe · 09/02/2023 09:51

Patty2012 · 08/02/2023 21:53

Ah! I didn't read the rules of the group. I took "Host a Sister" to mean just that. I've been chucked out anyway. The other posts with men in them didn't show up in my feed. Perhaps this one did because it had so many comments. I don't know how the algorithms work. I think I'd have said something if I'd seen the other posts as well. I ran a wellness club for women last year. A man complained that it was sexist. Not a queer man or a trans woman or a non-binary AMAB person. He was an old fella with a tash. I told him where to go. I said we were talking about our menopauses and periods and I didn't think it was the right place for him, but that he could run a wellness club for men from the same venue - a venue I manage and that I'd help him set it up. When I take part in women's groups, or I'm in women's spaces, I often think about a couple of friends of mine who have had very bad experiences with men. I know these two women would feel vulnerable in the presence of a man. So, they're who I keep in mind when I attempt to do my bit to safeguard women's spaces. Them and my five-year-old daughter who could grow up thinking all this utter bullshit is normal.

Totally understandable, someone asked the question of whether men are allowed on another post I've just seen and this is the response from the admin. I agree they could afford to make it clearer.

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 09/02/2023 09:10

It’s a load of old bollocks and the more of us that say it, the sooner this land grab for Women’s spaces & services will end.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/02/2023 07:32

Patty2012 · 08/02/2023 21:53

Ah! I didn't read the rules of the group. I took "Host a Sister" to mean just that. I've been chucked out anyway. The other posts with men in them didn't show up in my feed. Perhaps this one did because it had so many comments. I don't know how the algorithms work. I think I'd have said something if I'd seen the other posts as well. I ran a wellness club for women last year. A man complained that it was sexist. Not a queer man or a trans woman or a non-binary AMAB person. He was an old fella with a tash. I told him where to go. I said we were talking about our menopauses and periods and I didn't think it was the right place for him, but that he could run a wellness club for men from the same venue - a venue I manage and that I'd help him set it up. When I take part in women's groups, or I'm in women's spaces, I often think about a couple of friends of mine who have had very bad experiences with men. I know these two women would feel vulnerable in the presence of a man. So, they're who I keep in mind when I attempt to do my bit to safeguard women's spaces. Them and my five-year-old daughter who could grow up thinking all this utter bullshit is normal.

The normalisation of BS is terrifying and (sometimes literally) fatal for women and girls.

Original poster

Patty2012 · 08/02/2023 21:53

Ah! I didn't read the rules of the group. I took "Host a Sister" to mean just that. I've been chucked out anyway. The other posts with men in them didn't show up in my feed. Perhaps this one did because it had so many comments. I don't know how the algorithms work. I think I'd have said something if I'd seen the other posts as well. I ran a wellness club for women last year. A man complained that it was sexist. Not a queer man or a trans woman or a non-binary AMAB person. He was an old fella with a tash. I told him where to go. I said we were talking about our menopauses and periods and I didn't think it was the right place for him, but that he could run a wellness club for men from the same venue - a venue I manage and that I'd help him set it up. When I take part in women's groups, or I'm in women's spaces, I often think about a couple of friends of mine who have had very bad experiences with men. I know these two women would feel vulnerable in the presence of a man. So, they're who I keep in mind when I attempt to do my bit to safeguard women's spaces. Them and my five-year-old daughter who could grow up thinking all this utter bullshit is normal.

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 08/02/2023 20:02

Lheuredubebe · 08/02/2023 12:13

Here's what they actually said: "We are both extroverted, love meeting new people and hanging out with them, love parties and interesting events," , people were taking the piss because "queer isn't a thing" etc. It's literally in the group rules to not bully/shame.

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So they didn't mention 'queer' at all? So where did that come from?

Lheuredubebe · 08/02/2023 18:47

I don't really agree, but I do get your point. Before you join any group on Facebook you have to read and agree to the rules and nowhere in the rules does it state that it's woman-only, despite the name being "host a sister" (yes, the name could be better, I agree!). As far as I understand, they don't accept men as part of the group, but men can be hosted (so women post that they're travelling with their male friend/partner) but I could be wrong. Any type of Couchsurfing app/website/community can be dangerous for women, so precautions should be taken regardless and there are definitely Women Only groups for this type of thing that do make it clear from the get-go, this group just isn't one of them.

EsmaCannonball · 08/02/2023 16:18

This group is putting women in danger. They need to make it clear in big letters that any woman using the group could find herself hosting a strange man or being hosted by one, not just that but the kind of man who has deliberately targeted a women-only group. They should be forced to make that clear and to change the name.

I know two women who were raped while using a scheme where travellers could stay with local families. These things do happen.

Airbnb has dedicated black ops teams to help minimise media exposure when rapes, murders and other crimes occur.

hryllilegur · 08/02/2023 15:38

Maybe the group need to rebrand to just couch surfing type travel if it’s not actually about women keeping each other safe

MaureenSowerbuttsCardi · 08/02/2023 15:15

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ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 08/02/2023 13:43

Lheuredubebe · 08/02/2023 13:37

I mean no one has to join, if someone wants a woman exclusive group then there's plenty out there, I'm a member of many. Some groups include men, some don't. This one does 🤷🏻‍♀️

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It needs a rebrand. I’m going to suggest…

’Host A Sister… you might get a Mister! And fuck off and make your own group if you don’t like our dick-pandering rules’

Are the men in the group allowed to host too?
Seems a bit… fucking dodgy?

Lheuredubebe · 08/02/2023 13:37

ShireWifeofNigelFarage · 08/02/2023 13:00

What an utter shit show of a disappointment that group is!

Why can’t women have our own stuff anymore?
Or at the very least, why can’t groups have names that make their mixed-sex membership clear?

It’s all bullshit. I’m sick of it. It’s time to take our stuff back and tell the ball-sac-carriers to cock off.

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I mean no one has to join, if someone wants a woman exclusive group then there's plenty out there, I'm a member of many. Some groups include men, some don't. This one does 🤷🏻‍♀️

MagpiePi · 08/02/2023 13:11

@ShireWifeofNigelFarage
👏👏👏