Men in conversation

My ex's friends used to say to her "your husband is so quiet". I'm not, and can hold forth for some time but ex and her friends literally talked across each other and anyone else so I just sat mute. In hindsight it's quite funny really.

There has been a lot of discussion on these boards about how women are socialised to prioritise the emotional needs of others over their own, to be "support humans", to do all the "emotional labour".

There's a theory that this plays out in conversation too, by women doing all the "interactional shitwork" i.e. all the heavy-lifting in terms of making the conversation work and keep going. That theory was about conversations within couples, but it's what i always think of in these situations!

Here's a blog about it if anyone's interested.

debuk.wordpress.com/2018/12/10/a-womans-shitwork-is-never-done/

I find it really rude when people do this. We find it more and more common. We have 2 mums that join us sometimes, and they do that. I feel talked at !! They tell you all what they want to say but never ask anything back, its wierd. I think society is becoming increasingly selfish and self-centred, though.

The difference in dynamic and self awareness is interesting.

I've been on a series of zoom workshops recently, a couple were women only and the last two had one or two men as part of the group.

In the women only ones, the women talked freely to answer questions and pretty much everyone present commented at some point, and there were spontaneous comments when several people spoke at once such as 'your turn' to women who hadn't spoken yet. In the mixed sex ones, the man (or on one occasion men) answered every single question and dominated every conversation without the faintest awareness that they were preventing anyone else saying anything. And every time, without exception, the women kept quiet and barely participated. The impact of one man on a group of women and their access can be staggering.

Men feel they are endlessly fascinating and I hate how I used to pander to that. I used to feel that my olace in this interaction was to allow them to occupy an entire conversation and if time allowed, I'd get a few words for myself.

Yet he wanted another date. Why?!

Cos he didn't get a jug of water in his face 😆

Hear hear... One of my last internet dates was the worst I'd seen for this. Not only did he not ask any questions, but when I tried to interject during his hour long monologue about his achievements in his hobby, I saw anger flash across his face. Then a shrug, and then back to himself. I can't forget the look he gave when I tried to speak. Yet he wanted another date. Why?!

Some of them are just so self-centered they do it with other men too.

BTW I have started deliberately forcing them to engage, a recent example -interjecting when they went on and on about their Big Job to say “oh I worked there for several years”. They literally stopped in their tracks and you could almost hear the brain cogs whirring before they realised they would now have to acknowledge that and ask me something about it. Reluctantly of course. Actually thinking about it there probably is a degree of sexism in it. We women are primarily there to listen to these types of men, in their minds. Twits.

I see this a LOT. Usually with socially inadequate men, very happy to talk about themselves, no questions directed outwards. They do it to both DH and me so I don’t think it’s misogyny but bad manners arisen from a misplaced ego.

I’ve noticed this too. School dads - I’ll ask them how work is going or whether they had a good weekend and I’ll get loads of details, far more than I’m interested in. And no reciprocal question. So I know quite a lot about them and they know nothing about me. I’ve seen them do it to other women too - one spent hours telling a friend of mine about his hill walking and had no interest at all in asking anything about her.
Women don’t count as full persons to many men.

You could have just told them.

Not the men I know. And if that happened to me I'd have piped up and asked them why they were being so rude or if I were invisible!

You should try internet dating. That's when you realise most British men have no interest in anyone but themselves. :(